In Command

Fifi encouraged me to watch TAKE THE LEAD, a movie that stars Antonio Banderas (ooh hot) and is about delinquent, break-dancing black students with ghetto issues who eventually learn the value of believing in themselves by learning ballroom dancing. The cheesy, almost impossible parts are always inevitable in a commercial film, but the movie just made us groove and entertained us that we didn't mind tolerating them.

There was a line there, I don't remember exactly how it goes but it was said by Antonio Banderas to his female student who refused to let her partner lead her, because she thought he was full of shit. Antonio said there was as much strength in following as in leading. The guy could step forward, as if to command her to step backward, but she had a choice whether to accept it or not. And that's where trust comes in. And I think I lack that.

I lack trust in everyone, that's why I find myself taking the lead in most situations. Simple stuff like what to say to someone on the phone, what to write in a letter, whether to turn right or left, which song to play, when to be serious and when to start cracking up. It sometimes drives me crazy. But unless someone really takes charge, I will continue to step up.

Jel has always been the leader between us, and I feel good following her because I have faith in her. Sometimes she resorts to bullying, and that's just one of her styles (she can also be extremely sweet to the point of diabetes), and I'm a lazyass who tags along.

My mother always knows what to do. Her decisions are out of logic and love for us, so I really feel that her word is gold.

This is why when I have a significant other, whether I want to show it or not, he notices if I don't trust him that much. My dominant attitude shows and he just goes out of his mind, catches himself offguard and asserts himself too little too late, and upon realizing that I've been in control most of the time, he says something like "Hey, I'm in charge here, so back off and shut your mouth." Really, two guys have told me that, and I couldn't quite believe them. Well, if they weren't such wimps in situations where I needed them to be real men, I wouldn't have to open my mouth to save us from deep shit!

Simple things like asking for the check after dinner at a restaurant, doesn't matter if we're sharing of if they're paying for the dinner. Why do they never do it right away? Sweet-talking our way from a traffice offense? Why do they let their egos fly and cuss before they could say sorry and smile at the officer? Carrying what needs to be carried, saying what needs to be said? Am I just impatient? But how the hell do I know if they have the intention to do what needs to be done?

So unless someone sweeps me off my feet and makes me shut my mouth without telling me to, I will continue to step up.

Just like that line from Destiny's Child's Soldier:

I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
THey wanna take care of me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Don't mind takin one for me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna spend that on me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind puttin' that on me (Where they at)

I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things
If you know what I mean

. . . .unless a find soldier, I'll still be in command.

So where the hell they at?
Big momma wants to know, you feel me?