bad idea

In the office, but not at work.
Nothing else to do, work is finished earlier than usual.
Visited all my favorite websites.
Corrected typos in some of my blog entries.
Checked my emails once, twice, three times (a lady).
Read some of my old emails, and my heart sank.

Those were the days.
It was fun, it was funny, it was so exciting.
Well, it's over now.
Can it be salvaged?
I have no idea.
How did it turn out to be a bad idea?
I still don't think it is.
I have the persistence, but to no avail.
I have the will, but against or for what?
I have daydreams, but who cares?
I honestly wish I had a magic wand to make it all good again.
And make the bad things disappear.

I have zero new messages in my inbox.

goals

I have tons of goals in November.
I'm very excited to achieve every single one of them.
These are carefully planned steps towards personal happiness, not even anticipative of others' reactions.
A pat on the back from the people I care about would be fine.
Tons of goals = tons of hard work.
I'd choose hard word over zero work anytime.
If only to know I'm still useful in this world.
What the hell am I talking about? Am I a 50-year old office hag?
I'll make things happen, just like I always have.Forward, always forward.

good one by freud

"One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
– Sigmund Freud

(Not without the sexual implications of every struggle.
That's Freud for you.)

coffee dates

In this lifetime we will meet people who will want to sit and discuss life with us over a hot cup of coffee.
And we will meet people who cannot wait to stand up and get it over with, who will itch to ask for the check without letting us finish our coffee.
And we will meet people who will not even give us the chance to have coffee with them.
And we will meet people who will always want to have coffee with us, but we will never have the time for it.

And sometimes, we just want to have coffee all by ourselves and think of these people we will meet or have met.

Well . . . as long as there is coffee!!!

hair, life

Isn't straight shiny black hair very nice?

We think we are complicated.
But things could be easier for us.
Detangle, untie, straighten.

And we can all sleep a little more peacefully at night.

my job

I now love my job because it gives me the freedom to manage my own time and at the same time the will to do things as prefectly as possible, because this is what I've always wanted to do.

I am very happy and I actually look forward to waking up in the morning and getting dressed for another day of meeting new people and beating deadlines like they were the skinny geeks from high school (easy to beat...up).

And there is enough time to rest and still do the things I love during the week.

I think I have too much time on weekends, but who's complaining?

There is room for growth. They acknowledge my skills and hopefully they'll know what I'm made of.

Therefore there is definitely a possibility that I will not be stuck in one position for a long time.

It's a proactive step to happiness.

Of course there will be shitty days, but they'll be clouded by my smile.

(Just like scissors beat paper, smile beats shit.)

the essentials

Last night I advised someone to travel light.
Drop the things that he wouldn't be needing, and be on his way.
And in his defense he said he was trying to let go, but how can one person NOT be affected by another person?
Of course everyday we touch lives and we can't help but feel for others.
I know!
But if we all feel for others then we would forget about ourselves!
Like that woman on Oprah who just couldn't resist taking stray cats, because the sight of a cat on the street, homeless and lost, broke her heart.
She ended up with almost a hundred cats, and she couldn't handle them all.
Her house was reeking of cat litter and catfood and cat saliva and it was CATastrophic.
So you see, there are things that you would really have to discard if you want to go a long way.
Get rid of these things and take what you NEED.
And he just couldn't imagine leaving someone else who made him feel so special, who adored him, who would give up everything for him.
I still maintain that he doesn't need her, because he has mor important things to work on at the moment and whether or not she loves him doesn't matter at all.
And then he shifted the focus to me.
What?!
He said I was afraid of letting someone in because I was too scared to handle it.I'm not.
I am ready, ready as I'll ever be.
Ready for people who are ready, at least.
And it's killing me everyday to realize that there no such person at the moment.
But I've got my essentials.
The essentials.
Family, friends, good job, values intact (weird ones).


Essentials my foot.

three minutes

Thank you for making me less lonely, stranger.
Your face is not familiar, and your eyes are cold as ice.
But the three-minute small talks save my sanity.
And you're nameless, you're ageless, lifeless even.
I just need a solid figure to sit with.
You read the morning paper, and I smile at the headlines.
Nothing special, but let's make something of them.
There is no party tonight, we're going home to a quiet house.
Might as well make noise now before we go.
Tell me anything I will remember before I sleep.
Distract me with trivias and make me solve equations.
Tell me about how hard you work and how lovely your dinner was.
I'd rather believe you than tell you lies.
Show me your ring and tell me who gave it.
Tell me where you shop and tell me what colors you like.
Tell me why you hate that colleague of yours who just walked past us.
I am hungry for some noise. Talk talk talk until time is up.
We go back to our desks and wish each other luck.
I know you don't understand but that's enough.
You save me every morning for three minutes.

did i?

Did I have fun?
Hell yeah.
Will it happen again?
Don't think so.

i am a desert

Love it or hate it.
We all need it.
A little bit of something to make us feel more human.
We're no rabbits.
We're no gods either.

deadma

Everyday I notice
And I never realize
Just walk right past it
With indifferent eyes

I never want to notice
I never want to care
I never want to help myself
To something I can't bear

should i?

Words of wisdom lure me to loneliness.
And I tell myself that it will be fine.
But for how much longer?
I can wait, but then time is precious.
And Shirley says silence is golden,
and Nina says erase and rewind,
and Dolores says there's no need to argue.
But I feel the need to shout it out.
But if I do, I have no famous band vocalist to back me up.
Should I listen to pop, then life would be easier?

ice queen

Id been so cold during the summer.
Now winter is just around the corner and I'm finally warming up.
I've been thinking...
and so far I've realized that I've been thinking too much.
Why not just get it off my chest?
Then I hesitate, then I take a step forward again.
I still have a lot of "defrosting" to do.
Slowly, slowly
But definitely surely.

crisis management

Alone for most of the day, but kind of enjoyed the solitude.
I took a long walk on Sheikh Zayed and on the way home did my groceries.
Very peaceful, actually.
Watched Bridget Jones 2 The Edge of Reason in the evening after dinner.
No one wanted to watch it with me so I figured it would be perfect to watch it while no one was home. In the middle of the movie Colin and his friend came, in, and I endured the embarrassment of being caught watching it with so much gusto. Well I couldn't help but laugh out loud and groan and express my excitement ("oh shit what happens next?" eventhough I've seen it before) in the form of loud happy burps.
I didn't like the ending though. Wedding. They didn't even live together?

Oh yeah I forgot one teeny weeny detail about my day.
I almost set the kitchen on fire.
I was just frying some chicken and I set the heat on low, and then suddenly my lunch burst in flames and . . . well I didn't know what to do!
I desperately tried to think of something, and I cried for help, but well I had sore throat because I was out partying last night so my voice was a bit croaky.
Not that there was anyone to hear me even if my cry for help was perfectly done.
I turned off the heat (yeah I thought of that, thank you) and I tossed my chicken up in the air like a crepe, and the flames multiplied and I thought I might actually end up in jail for arson. Lucky me the fire decided it was too much entertainment, and it retreated and eventually disappeared. I have no idea why I tossed the chicken in the first place.

And that urged me to think that I might need to improve my crisis management skills.
There are situations that in theory, I am perfectly familiar with, but when I find myself in them I just don't know what to do, or rather I do what I feel like doing at that moment. Call it impulsive, call it stupid, but I do them with the intention to fix everything at once and come out alive and stronger.
Unfortunately, that hasn't always been the case, and so to keep things simple I just tell everyone that I am a big fan of spontaneity, win or lose.

To painfully elaborate, I commit serious errors because I act very quickly, because I feel very strongly about the situation. I want to save the villa, so I try some fire-fighting chicken-tossing technique, but if I couldn't care less I would have walked out of the house and taken a walk. I want to make myself heard, so I send out an angry email, because I seriously care. Otherwise I would have walked away and taken a walk. See? Serious screw-ups equal serious concern.

But back to my point, I found another loophole in my personality and I want to eliminate it. Will definitely start to work on my crisis management skills, because unless Colin conducts a firedrill soon, no one will initiate it for me. No one but me. Hasn't it always been like that?
Because it should always be like that.

on a holiday

I'm always on a holiday.
Checking out the places, checking out the food.
Adapting to the culture, adapting to the mood.
I'm always on a holiday.
I never stay in a thought.
They burst it before I act on it.
They love this, I kid you not.
The natural way to go about things
is to keep afloat above them.
Should they mess up your life,
they've already been forgotten.
I'm always on a holiday.
On a free cruise, uninvited.
On a boatride with a strangers.
On nothing, really. Nothing.

craig

Craig and I had a fun night.
We were the only ones home and while he decided to have his usual Carlsberg binge, I opted for natural apple juice.
It was the usual scene out in the frontyard, and it did look like another episode of The Craig and Zeena Show.
Same stray cats staring at us behind Colin's dead plants.
Same Satwa kids showing off their fireworks.
Same dialogues about Dubai's high-rise buildings, hookers, freaks, family, love, dirty sheets, clean conscience, cool people, cold people, regrets, good food, good cooking, good weather.
Same excuse "oh, look at the time, we really should be going to bed!"
He's really good company. Lately I'm not itching to go out and explore Dubai anymore.
In the frontyard we go farther than the rest of the world.
He said I shouldn't be talking to old people like him, because it makes me cycnical and tired of living.
On the contrary, old friends actually help me make the right decisions and embrace life as tightly as possible.
And I think he's also learning from my tell-it-like-it-is insights, which drive him crazy but in the end (i bet) make him think twice aboout his actions.
I still maintain that he's a pig of course.

had a blast!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R60s5JbKL5Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CJFMCHz0Z0

torn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN4KNOk01V8

Yeah, it's obvious I haven't laughed in days.

work out next month

I'm finally going to the gym next month.
The next time I wage a war with the weighing scale it's definitely going to lose.
Cross my heart.

don't dig yet

What exactly is being an ally of your own gravediggers?
I tried to brush away that concept when I read about it in Kundera's Immortality, but it was too late.
I was tossing and turning in bed at 2AM just thinking about it.
It was Kundera's way of labeling those who adapt to the changes in the world and are being nothing but absolutely modern.

Absolutely modern is another concept altogether, but let me tell you something about it:
To be absolutely modern is to leave behind a set of beliefs or passion for something for the very reason that a group of authorties (now mainly the media) have changed the world's view of it, and it has now become passe and irrelevant.
This is the reason we don't hear Beethoven on most radio stations and we don't walk around sporting the tsunami hairstyle of the 80s.
To be absolutely modern is to leave behind something so precious to one's self, and go with the flow, with whatever everyone else likes or deems will give them a better chance at passing the "you're not socially retarded" test.
And in that sense, Kundera observes, one becomes an ally of his own gravediggers.
One throws away something so dear to him to force himself to like (and eventually he does!) something that the authorities of modernity have introduced, something that has stripped you of your passion and faith in something. And since what is "modern" changes several times in his lifetime, he will be forced to go with the flow for the rest of his life, and he will forget what passion is all about. And one thing about passion, it keeps you going and gives meaning to one's life. Without it a person may die inside, feel empty, go down with the system, a system that killed passion in the first place.

Relating this to myself, I have indeed become absolutely modern in many ways.
The "most modern" move I made was going away to leave a closely-knit family and lots of dear friends to experience life abroad and help myself to a serving of globalization.

But I refuse to become an ally of my own gravediggers, because in lots of ways, I am still holding on to what I left behind, because I will come back, and will just pick up where I left off.
But what is certain in this world but change, which you must embrace it before it crushes you?
Surely my my loved ones back home will change, and no doubt I will too, but is it possible to still connect with them in a way that I had so easily done before?

Of course.
After all, life is a cycle, and where else will you land a million miles and some years later, but home, where just being with your family and friends create a spark among you that you are so familiar with.
And that kind of familiarity doesn't stop you from talking with them comfortably, hugging them tightly, and lounging around in your panties in the living room.
And that familiarity no doubt beats change.
And so I am confident that my relationship with the ones I love will not fade with trends, revolutionary ideas, new friends and new jobs.
We may all take different paths and find ourselves in different parts of the map, but if you take a look at the map, you'll all see little giggly figures waving hands at one other, saying hello, and still gossiping like there's no tomorrow.

So don't dig yet, I'm not going down anytime soon.

this never ends, does it?

There is no doubt that I have so much self-love that I can found my own fan club, but sometimes it can be so lonely and the silence is just unbearable.
And I forgive myself for this, because it is true that I have been alone, except on evenings when my friends call me up and want to meet for coffee, or when Craig comes home and wants to talk about how stupid he is (of course that's his opinion og himself, not mine).
And I see no reason why I should not shamelessly publish my loneliness, because I am no different that most people on this planet.
Who in the world is completely happy?
Some people fool themselves by thinking they have everything they can ever ask for, and yet, when you look them in the eye, you don't exactly see sunshine, but a somber forced glow that they've been trying so hard to produce to make themselves believe that yes, they are ok with their lives and the way things are.
Sometimes I do escape loneliness, not to survive it but reinforce self-love.
I go out, write, learn new things, have conversations (that end up as friendly debates) with interesting people, and reading until I sleep.
And yes, these things make me happier, little by little.
Craig has been suggesting that I look for a man and just throw him away once I'm done with him, and I shook my head violently, knowing very well that although it's one of the many possible things to do in Dubai, I do not want it to be in my list of options.

So I guess it's still heavy petting and exchanging sweet nothings with the computer tonight, which has kept me company from the time I wake up until right before I head to bed.
Who knows, if it detects my persistence it might actually kiss me back.

"When you get into a tight place and it seems that you can't go on, hold on — for that's just the place and the time that the tide will turn." – Harriet Beecher Stowe

housemates

My housemates have very very big underwear.
(I can't help but notice them on the clothesline.)
But they have big hearts too.
(They gave me lunch!)
So yeah. Can't complain!

IMMORTALITY

Immortality by Milan Kundera is a good read.
The book mentions that immortality is eternal trial, thatsomeone is immortal if he is judged and remembered by even after he dies. But Kundera points out that there are several kinds of immortality: minor, great, ridiculous.

Minor immortality is for people who never had the chance to become famous before they died, but are still fondly remembered by family, friends, and their community. Great immortality is for the (surprise) the great people who lived to be known to mankind, like Beethoven, Sheikh Zayed, even Ninoy Aquino. People remember them, their principles, their works. Ridiculous immortality, in my opinion, is the most interesting kind. It's for people who have no choice but to be remembered not exactly in a bad light, but in (surprise again) ridiculous situations. And while they are still alive, they are considered dead men walking, on the way to their graves wih a big L on their foreheads.

And since I have always been taught to think BIG, I want to possess the best kind of immortality there is. And with all due respect to Mr. Kundera, I have a different definition of GREAT immortality. I don't mind if only one person remembers me after I depart, as long that someone believes in my greatness, and loves me for me, loves me so much that I can still feel it when he visits my grave, and truly cares for me. In quantity that would not even be immortality. But who cares about numbers when love, non-quantifiable but priceless, is assured even after death?

If that person doesn't ever show up, I might as well be greatly immortal based on Mr. Kundera's standards. That's not so bad.

ADS spice to life

I'm currently taking advantage of the extra time that Eid has given me.
Online tutorials on copywriting aren't that bad. I read lots of sites on the net and I have a pen and a notebook to write down important details.
I took up advertising but not extensively, plus I didn't have the money to buy the books that my advertising instructor had asked us to buy.
But now, though still not willing to shell out hundreds of dirhams for advertising books, I have all the time in the world to read on it for free.
Of course everything is better learned through experience, but until the opportunity for some hands-on brainstorming action comes up, I'm doing my homework.

So we all know that copywriting is a much more creative type of salesmanship. To ultimate goal is to sell a product --- or to be more specific, sell the benefits of a product. And of course, let's not forget my experience as a brainstormer, that really made me understand the concept of the ever-important Unique Selling Point.

I've seen too many billboards fighting over one another on EDSA, and huge, STURDY ones here on Sheikh Zayed, and I can see how culture really plays a role in everything we do, not just in advertising. In fact, advertising takes into consideration the cultural nature of a society. Of course. And because culture dictates what can and cannot be shown/said on these billboards, which millions will get to read and maybe believe, it is always a pleasant surprse to take a look at another society and see how they are doing with their own ads.

http://www.adage.com/shared/includes/spotwin.html?vid=carlsjr-baby05.asf
Not a poster/billbaord, but much more interesting. This ad is obviously very American, in the sense that it disregards values that some citizens may possess for the sake of freedom of expression and business. It shows the ultrasound view of a pregnant mom, with the fetus complaining about how his mom eats too many Jalapeno burgers everyday. He kicks around the inside the uterus and plays with the umbilical cord, and grabs a part of the uterus, as if threatening to burst out into the world. He even tells his mom about his friend Ned who was born BRIGHT RED because his momma ate spicy foods all the time while still pregnant with him. "The new Carl's Jr. Spicy Six-Dollar Burger with crispy jalapenos. It ain't for babies." Values aside, it's funny. Watch it.

http://www.kottke.org/plus/misc/kiwi_dogfood.html
Check out this site and you'll the most sexist dog food ads in the world. I don't know if New Zealand has mainly patriarchal beliefs or just very open to these kinds of ads, but they certainly make dogs look like pigs. I really don't care. But man, I'd hate to be the poor cat in this poster. . .

I love pussy. I chase pussy. Heck, I even dream about pussy.

But I just can't bring myself to eat it.

And here are some loonies cracking me up since I've taken a break from this self-imposed course: http://www.anvari.org/fun/Funny_Billboard_Ads/

Enjoy!

Humor Me

I did stand up comedy back home.
I was part of a comedy variety show that my dear organization UP SAMASKOM (we have a chapter here) puts up every year.
Not many people in Dubai know this, but it's useless information here anyway.

But I was going through my Photobucket pictures and I was surprised to see some photos of my most glorious performance in Abelardo Hall, so I just had to post one of them here. It's part of my life after all.

It was so much fun just hearing the laughter and seeing the people I admired laugh at me.
Plus it's the only time that people could laugh at me and I wasn't supposed to be offended, but flattered.

Now I don't think there will be opportunities for that. Not anymore.
I'm older and one year makes a difference.
I find no need to humor others at this time in my life, although I'm still laughed at from time to time.

What's so funny?

that's what surveys are for

Name 3 schools you went to:
Miriam High School, all girls, all loonies
University of the Philippines Manila, where I was supposed to pursue speech therapy
University of the Philippines Diliman - where the people are happy and gay!

Name 3 things in your wallet:
some bills
my Seattles Best card, for free chai lattes every once in a while
the prayer books Ma gave me

Name 3 things you do when you're reallystressed
chat with friends in Manila
read
blog

Three names you go by-->
Zeena
Zins
ZinZin --- hehehe just a few variations

Three of your Favorite food:
chocolates
fruits
sushi!!!!!!!!!!

Three things you are wearing right now:
my hospital pyjamas
a beige top
a towel on my head, styled like a turban, for the 80's Filipina working girl look!

Who is in the house with you?-
Craig. Colin. Carolyn. And they have a visitor whose name just might start with a C.

What are you thinking about right now?-->
What movie to watch tonight, and if Jen will actually show up.

Who did you last talk to on the phone?-->
Jen

Whose house did you last go to?-->
my friend's

Who do you sit next to in your 3rdperiod class?-->
That was ages ago. I had always been sandwiched by Jel and Reiz in college, and Nikko had always been my high school seatmate.

Who gets on your nerves the most at school?-->
The mean girls?

Where do you live?--> Currently in Dubai.

Where is your phone?--> upstairs. I'm charging it.

Where is/are your parent(s)?-->
My dear Mama's in Manila and Papa is... somewhere my mother doesn't go to. hehe.

Where do you sleep?--> in my room

When did you get the shirt you arewearing?--> Tita Monina! She gave me loads of shirts with the same style but different colors to wear around the house. It's been 4 years.

Where in your house are you?--> at the dining table.

What was the last thing you ate?--> Coco Puffs. It's Craig's but it's my favorite!

What color shirt are you wearin?--> beige

What is the closest item near you that is blue?--> my hospital pants! You just gota love 'em scrubs.

What do you like best about school?--> My org.

What is your favorite color?--> black

What do you wear more; jeans or shorts?--> jeans

What is the last movie you watched?--> You Me and Dupree. FUNNY!

When did you start school?--> I think I was 5.

When did you last go to the mall?--> last week

When was the last time u bought a pairof pants?--> oh ages ago. I like skirts better.

When did you last burn a candle?-->
When I was attempting to meditate at home.

When were you last at school?-->
Last year.

i want to be in the middle

Just like the other night, when I was contemplating if I was a narcissist or a people pleaser, another puzzle worked its way into my mind.

Am I cynical or overly hopeful?

Jel told me that I kept on doing the same mistake, getting my unfounded hopes up high in the sky when there was nothing much to hope for. And why wouldn't I, when I had heard people promise me the world, and their eyes looked so sincere and I could only be just as dreamy-eyed.
And that had always been my impression on myself. The hopeful damsel in distress.

And I tried to change that. No, not tried, but I just suddenly shed off that trait and became someone else. I tried to be really cold so that no one, not even my loved ones, could see through me and therefore take advantage of my feelings.

That's why I was not suprised to hear Craig say that I was too cynical, the ultimate pessimist. My self-deprecating humor surely wasn't his sole premise for having such an opinion of me, or else I'd think that at his age, he still has not learned how to size up a person even after several nice meaningful conversation.

No it wasn't my sarcastic jokes that made him say that. He probably knows me well enough by now, and it just annoys me that he's right, that I'm this way. I want to be somewhere in the middle.

Is there such a thing?

I think so.

On my way there.

THE END OF RAMADAN, THE BEGINNING OF ME

Along with the end of Ramadan, I am preparing myself to let go of things not meant for me.In principle, I would have just given people a hard time to get my point across, but this time I think fewer words need to be spoken. After all, I told everyone everything I wanted to tell them, and that's enough. Khalas.
Of course letting go is not the same as throwing away.
Throwing away would be dumping, spitting out, whereas letting go is merely setting someone free, expecting nothing in return but self-fulfillment and better waking hours.
And unlike throwing away, letting go is fueled by nothing but good intentions.
Letting go is also a liberating experience. Not in the literal sense, in a way that you shut off someone and never see that person again, but it's the feeling of control and peace of mind that you maintain even when that person comes face to face with you.
The quiet Ramadan month urged me to contemplate this idea, and I did.

So you see, not only Muslims are given the chance to look into themselves and reflect on their lives during the Holy Month. The moon now looks like a big spotlight focused on me and only me, and the rest just fade into the background.
Forward, always forward.

silence, a choice

Why am I being so assertive even with little things?Perhaps because my world is silent, too silent, that it becomes unbearable if I don't say anything.There are times when I appreciate silence and dim lights.But I'd like it to be a choice, an indulgence. Not a lifesyle.

Silence is Golden by Garbage

If I am silent
then I am not real
If I speak up then
no one will hear
If I wear a mask
there´s somewhere to hide
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins
If I raise my voice
Will someone get hurt?
And if I can´t feel then
I won´t get touched
If no truths are spoken
then no lies can hide
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins
Did you hear me speak
Do you understand
Did you hear my voice
Will you hold my hand
Do you understand me
Won´t someone listen
Nobody gets in
My body´s a temple
But nothing is simple
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Something was stolen
Safe in my own skin

good night

Now I can sleep at night with a clear mind.
No, I didn't meet the Dalai Lama.
Just had to hear the answers to my questions.

how random can you get?

I was watching a Friends episode last weekend with Jen and friends at the shisha tent Ahlan had set up for Ramadan.It was the episode where Chandler and Monica go to the doctor to find out if Chandler is impotent.Turns out Chandler DOES have weak sperm, AND Monica has an uninhabitable reproductive environment.I wonder if I have one too. Shrug.

Jobee and I have been chatting online for the past few days and she introduced me to this Demetri Martin's brand of comedy.His jokes are about the mundane things in life that he happens to observe.He tells it like it is, and who would have thought that he would receive defeaning applause for that.Like if there's a black and white drawing of a cinnamon roll, would you know if it's cinammon roll or a top view of a pile of shit.I wonder if I can pull off something like that too.

I lost 2kgs already but no one seems to notice. I feel good though, because I've been eating healthy food these days.Only this afternoon this camera guy asked if he could film me, and I gladly obliged (camera hungreh!), only to find out that he wanted to film me eating a bag of chips.So I ate and ate until the chips were almost finished, and my diet was ruined.

I plan to go somewhere early next year, just don't know where. Certainly just in the UAE, but very far from where I am right now.Need to see mountains and trees and potent soil, in replacement of construction sites and lofty establishments, not to mention disgusting people.That would be a good sanity check.Coffee alone gets old after a while.

Leo

In admitting my rudeness to everyoe in person and online, I failed to mention that I am also a nice person. I am writing this not to save face, but just for everyone's information. Everyone who's interested, that is.
Maybe I am rude because I have found certain kinds of behavior unacceptable, and being rude is like a general response that screams "SHIT BEGETS SHIT! SEE YAH!".
Since I don't have a problem with the way I was raised and I was not exposed to any hostile environment, I can only blame this on two things: my not-so-good experiences and ... (yup) my zodiac sign.
Experiences are a heavy topic, and today I want to avoid talking about them like the plague.
Let's talk about my sign!

It is true that Leos always want to be the center of attention, and we want everyone to do as we say.
But we do have a flipside!
Leos are generous and feel good giving to others even without acknowledgment.We are also faithful and loving to friends, lovers and of course family members.
We also want everyone to feel comfortable in our company, but of course we have to be their focus.

So you see, I am a well-meaning person, oftentimes with the noblest intentions and a kind, forgiving heart.
It's just that I'm not stupid. And modest.

happy george

"Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing."– George Sheehan

monkey me

At work.
Not hungry.
Had cold chai.
And cold corn.
Five glasses of water.
Maybe a banana later.
For the monkey in me.

a thought about aging

Oh why do we worry about aging!
Perhaps because at this age we're still afraid to do the things we've always wanted to do.
I still haven't learned how to ride a bicycle, and I'm 24!
And I never get around to doing it, and by the time I decide to put time and effort into it, I'll be 30, and I'll look hideous in a bicycle with neon pink trainer wheels.
That's why we fear aging. It makes us look ridiculous.
God bless the children at heart, like Michael Jackson.

how would you like

How would you like to fill my flask with your words,
so anytime I can take it out and intoxicate myself with bittersweet foolishness?

FRIENDLESSNESS

What does it mean to be truly independent?
I think at this point in my life, due to some circumstances,
I feel that I should be on my own literally, not caring whether I have company or not in doing things I like. I have been spending lots of time in coffee shops alone with my journal and pen, and it really helps to have a conversation with myself. I learned that it's really not so bad to be alone, think things over, assess the previous week and plan for the next week, and do better as I go along.
I also realized that independence is being okay with or without a constant companion, because when you don't consider anyone a permanent buffer, that's when you expect yourself to brave life on your own.
And I am doing just that. I think that since I've been here I've cared too much about other people and it's time I do things my way.
I can't expect them to look after me, and no they haven't been doing that, but I guess it's because they know that I am okay with or without them.
Well, guess what. I am.
I've also realized that friendship is not about being together every single day, but letting go and showing your true feelings, however harsh and extreme they are.
I'd always thought that it's not so bad to be there for someone, but when you get kicked in your face and you are simply being taken for granted, you just have to look after yourself and be the best person you can be, with or without a friend.

A true friend stabs you in the front -OscarWilde

rude girl

Another Martian emailed me and said I was rude. Again.
Did they have a meeting and decide they would all email me and tell me how rude I am, when I perfectly knew that?
He wasn't even my friend!
He just emailed me out of nowhere and in my opinion I respectfully declined any offer that might come, because it's getting tiring.
And was it my fault I thought he was that gay actor in Sex and the City!
It was an honest mistake!
If I hear or read the word RUDE again maybe it's time to read on social graces.
But these guys should really read on how to treat a girl.

a Shakespeare in my own right

Not that there was any invitation to decline, but I chose to have coffee alone at Shakespeare Sheikh Zayed. After the movie I asked to be dropped off there.
I brought my journal, and the minute I sat in a comfortable old-English style chair, I started to write. Just write, not minding grammar, syntax, subject-verb agreement and all this shit used to make literature beautiful.
I just wrote things that popped in my mind, and boy, was it a good way to get rid of the stress. Emotional stress, bad vibes, tension, loneliness. Whatever you call it, I threw it away by writing about it.
And it felt so good. That's my idea of "me" time.
Because when it's just me and my journal, I can be anything I want to be.
I can be happy, fulfilled, and in the next paragraph I can be so mad and rude and uncivilized, and in the same paragraph I can be lonely and helpless.
So I enjoyed an hour of emptying these negative feelings about myself and other people, and I think I am ok, all set for the coming week.
Hope you had a happy weekend! I did. Sort of.

NICE PHOTOS

I'm still debating whether I'm a narcissist or a people pleaser.
This blog layout surely screams self-love, but I didn't do it just to make myself feel good, but for others to appreciate as well, and of course there is nothing wrong with that, otherwise there is no point in starting an online journal for everyone to view.
And that smiling face can only tell you how much I love myself...
That's 100% true, but subconsciously I'm probably seeking the approval of other people. That's why I chose this particular photograph, not the one at the karaoke party where my tummy was hanging out and my mouth wide open to reveal my fillings, for everyone to frown upon.
I guess no one wants to look ridiculous, though sometimes I post some hideous pictures here to remind myself that I'm not the goddess of perfection, that sometimes I am ugly and that's ok.
Well in any case smiles are always nice and warm.
But for the sake of "not pleasing anyone" here is my impression of a drug addict desperate for a heroine fix. Or shabu, in third-world terms:

You Me and Dupree

I loved this movie!
I'd love to be a Dupree once in a while.
Owen Wilson surely can't be 100% annoying, because he's so cute and adorable in the movie.
Yeah I'd like to crash some couple's home
and do things like subscribe to HBO and change the recording on the answering machine.
But being Kate Hudson isn't bad too!
Watch it. I especially liked that bit about vasectomy.

Matchbox 20

I'm listening to old Matchbox 20 songs.
Make my heart beat a litte faster.
I know, they're pop, but so is my blog layout. Hehe.

Love some of the lines in their songs:

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
-BRIGHT LIGHTS

If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again.....
-BENT

and i think you're so mean
i think we should try
i think i could need this in my life
and i think i'm scared
i think too much
know its wrong its a problem
i'm dealing
if you're gone
maybe its time to come home
there's an awful lot of breathing room
but i can hardly move
if you're gone
baby you need to come home
there's a little bit of something me
in everything in you
-IF YOU'RE GONE

Ah music!

Yas lent me his guitar, and after months of not getting in touch with the musician in me, I once again tested my song writing skills.
Still a little rusty.
Now I play a few alternative songs, the ones that everyone knows how to sing, and I'm starting to sound like a one-man show band, which I hate.
I also explored the song book Nikko sent us from the Philippines.
Some good stuff, mostly comtemporary.
Too contemporary, if you asked me, and my opinion of it will not change unless "Soldier" by Destiny's Child and its chords suddenly disappears from the selections.

I'm sleepy.
Good night.
Well, maybe one go at Soldier before I hit the pillows.

NEW BLOG DESIGN

I spent the afternoon with Jobee and a bunch of html codes.
She helped me create a new design for my blog (I know, it's so fly it makes me look good), and I swear she was really patient the whole time.
It was a trial and error process, and having to do it all over again meant another hour of figuring things out.
But I'm proud of myself not only for thinking up this design (Dan made it, Jobee altered it a bit, and Macy sent me some links to help me), but for having followed Jobee like an angel.
Well there were things she wanted to happen which I didn't, like get rid of something and lighten the background a bit, but apart from that, the whole thing was 100% ok.
And then I chose a new song to go with it.
So... yeah enjoy reading!

BASTARDS

Now that the Dubai weather is kinder, I love going out into the front yard to sit and show my fat ugly face to the equally fat ugly cats in the compound. Of course I'd been ashamed to do that since Craig started bringing hookers to our dear villa, until I finally had the chance to talk about this irritating subject.
I asked him to have a cigarette with me, and that order was a long shot, since 90% of the time an Aussie would choose surfing over smoking. But surprisingly he said yes and that's when I had the chance to question his behavior.
For a good five minutes we talked, and said he loved his wife, and he wasn't lying to anyone, and we shrugged off the topic.

So last night I was chatting with my Jen in our room when he sent me a text message saying he wanted to have a smoke with me before he went out.I went downstairs with my face green -- literally --- with all that tea tree gunk I like putting on my face when I'm idle.
We sat comfortably and lit our fags, and his first words upon sitting were, "Men are bastards."
I replied in a heartbeat, "Aren't they."
He said of course there are good men, and he doesn't consider himself a bad man, yet he turns into a bastard from time to time. And attempting to make a joke, he said, "Did you know that men have two brains?"
I looked at him, disgusted that he thought I was born yesterday. How could I not know.
I replied, "Yeah, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Thank God to that dude who said.
To make the mood even lighter, I asked him how much he pays for the good loving he gets.FYI, it's AED 300 (usually Chinese) to AED 500 (Russian).

Well I was having coffee with this guy named Nabil the other day and he mentioned that he loved wrestling.He said it was the oldest sport in the world.I tried to reconcile that with the fact that prostitution is the oldest profession in the world.Those Romans were very very lucky.When they weren't killing each other, they were having sex.

Well that was such an ancient civilization and naturally, we women expect better from guys at present.But I wouldn't mind having another smoke with Craig, just for kicks. See if he gets ripped off again by Russians.

A FORWARDED EMAIL

GREEN August 14th - August 23rd You get along well with new people. You are not really a shy person, but sometimes you can hurt people's feelings by your words... You like to be loved and noticed by your lover, but mostly you are single, waiting for the right person.

AUGUST *Loves to joke *Attractive *Suave and caring *Brave and fearless *Firmand has leadership qualities *Knows how to console others *Too generous and egoistic *Take high pride of oneself *Thirsty for praises*Extraordinary spirit *Easily angered *Angry when provoked *Easilyjealous *Observant *Careful and cautious *Thinks quickly *Independentthoughts *Loves to lead and to be led *Loves to dream *Talented in the arts, music and defense *Sensitive but not petty *Poor resistance againstillnesses *Learns to relax *Hasty and rusty *Romantic *Loving and caring*Loves to make friends.

Does your name begin with: Z? You are very romantic but show feels that to love means to suffer. Youwind up serving your mate & attracting people who have unusual trouble.You see yourself as a lover's savior.

Someone accused me of being rude for the Nth time.

I don't really care.

Sometimes manners just get in the way, to allow a gray area to exist.
The most polite of words can cloud meaning.

Courtesy is sometimes used to cover up for something, something that's actually, ironically, worse than rudeness.

And what's wrong with saying it with anger, with so much disappointment?
I'm angry, I'm fuming mad. Sue me.

I demonstrate my manners to those who deserve them.

And I have never been ashamed of how I feel.

I've said everything. No buts, no ifs, just honesty in your face.

So tell it like it is.
No wimping out.

It's ok to succumb to loneliness.
After all, it's the only place where you can dream of happiness.

It's ok if you find out that your happiness was false.
Next time you'll easily find the truth.

It's ok to admit your mistakes.
Someone has to.
The others just go on with their lives thinking they didn't do anything wrong.

And it's ok to leave and just walk away.
You don't need to hear excuses.
Instead excuse yourself and save time.

Yeah it's always ok.
Not much to do is there.

LOVE SONG FOR NO ONE by John Mayer

staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof
after all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
searching all my days to find you
not sure what I'm looking for
I'll know where when I see you
until then I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
a love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away
I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me
I know
you'll be so good for me
for me

In Command

Fifi encouraged me to watch TAKE THE LEAD, a movie that stars Antonio Banderas (ooh hot) and is about delinquent, break-dancing black students with ghetto issues who eventually learn the value of believing in themselves by learning ballroom dancing. The cheesy, almost impossible parts are always inevitable in a commercial film, but the movie just made us groove and entertained us that we didn't mind tolerating them.

There was a line there, I don't remember exactly how it goes but it was said by Antonio Banderas to his female student who refused to let her partner lead her, because she thought he was full of shit. Antonio said there was as much strength in following as in leading. The guy could step forward, as if to command her to step backward, but she had a choice whether to accept it or not. And that's where trust comes in. And I think I lack that.

I lack trust in everyone, that's why I find myself taking the lead in most situations. Simple stuff like what to say to someone on the phone, what to write in a letter, whether to turn right or left, which song to play, when to be serious and when to start cracking up. It sometimes drives me crazy. But unless someone really takes charge, I will continue to step up.

Jel has always been the leader between us, and I feel good following her because I have faith in her. Sometimes she resorts to bullying, and that's just one of her styles (she can also be extremely sweet to the point of diabetes), and I'm a lazyass who tags along.

My mother always knows what to do. Her decisions are out of logic and love for us, so I really feel that her word is gold.

This is why when I have a significant other, whether I want to show it or not, he notices if I don't trust him that much. My dominant attitude shows and he just goes out of his mind, catches himself offguard and asserts himself too little too late, and upon realizing that I've been in control most of the time, he says something like "Hey, I'm in charge here, so back off and shut your mouth." Really, two guys have told me that, and I couldn't quite believe them. Well, if they weren't such wimps in situations where I needed them to be real men, I wouldn't have to open my mouth to save us from deep shit!

Simple things like asking for the check after dinner at a restaurant, doesn't matter if we're sharing of if they're paying for the dinner. Why do they never do it right away? Sweet-talking our way from a traffice offense? Why do they let their egos fly and cuss before they could say sorry and smile at the officer? Carrying what needs to be carried, saying what needs to be said? Am I just impatient? But how the hell do I know if they have the intention to do what needs to be done?

So unless someone sweeps me off my feet and makes me shut my mouth without telling me to, I will continue to step up.

Just like that line from Destiny's Child's Soldier:

I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
THey wanna take care of me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Don't mind takin one for me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna spend that on me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind puttin' that on me (Where they at)

I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things
If you know what I mean

. . . .unless a find soldier, I'll still be in command.

So where the hell they at?
Big momma wants to know, you feel me?

my surprise farewell party before i went to dubai.

see the eyebags?

see the bangs?

the thinness?

the fabulous friend?

miss you too jefp!

We're finally looking for another place.
We were warned by Colin that the rent will increase by 15% on November, and that's considered beyond our budget.
Later we're going to take a look at two rooms --- one owned by a Filipina, furnished, just behnd Emirates Bank in Satwa.
Then we go straight to Emirates Hills to take a look at this room rented out by an Indian man who asked where we were from, and I answered Philippines, and he claimed to NOT know where that country was. Well take a look around, buddy.
We're still going to look at the place anyway, because it's just been furnished and the rent is reasonable. It also has an attached bathroom, which is very important.
Checking out a place is like checking out a guy.
You find something wrong, you shake your head at it and keep on reading the ads.

Parade ---Garbage (Excerpt)

Let's burn the factory
That makes the wannabes
Let's burst the bubble
That brainwash the masses

As far as I can tell
It doesn't matter who you are
As long as you believe
There's something worth fighting for

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."– Tuli Kupferberg

I need a day at the spa.
Seriously.

Fifi and I just came home from Shakespeare, a restaurant/coffee shop on the other side of Sheikh Zayed. We actually walked home and we didn't even notice the time. We took the overpass, and I looked over this great big city with bright lights, fast cars and construction sites.

That's about it for this evening.

Hehehe.

roll call

Ruined your appetite? Never.

People often criticize him.

Love judgment?

Don't wait, I'm going home tonight.

My innocence got saved!

Jury, verdict?

How awful, ruthless onslaught of naivete.

And not to hate or name you.......

Rivet in calmness, how indignant, enraging.

And so on and so forth.

Ibn Battuta

Going to Ibn Battuta Mall was usually a big deal, because it's so far, and my first time there was not very pleasant.
But last night it was much easier to get there, for some reason.
And it was much easier to see Emil again (free non-fat low-sugar yummy vanilla drink concocted by none other than himself); and it was much easier to go home.
There are other things that made the whole Ibn Batutta experience a whole lot better than the previous times I went there, but I'd rather keep those to myself.

Neil

I can't believe my cousin Neil has grown up.

And he has a Friendster!

I feel so ancient.

And can you believe his profile is much more interesting than most men's?

It cracked me up. Yeah he's a smart kid.

Just want to share it with you!

Schools (Other): st mary
Occupation: little brat
Companies: st marys
Affiliations: orchestra
Hobbies and Interests: psp, football, basketball, joking, getting chased by girls
Favorite Books: mighty fizz chilla, scribble boy, dinosaurs, egypt
Favorite Movies: v for vendetta, white chicks, star wars, fantastic 4, high school musical
Favorite Music: rap, pop, r and b, hip hop, disco
Favorite TV Shows: raven, zach and cody, pucca

About Me:

im small im brown and love dancing and im a master at memorising showsi like to go to movies with my friends i need a booster seat and im 121 cm high
Who I Want to Meet: i want to meet david beck and nanay lisa

Small talk

Have you gone on a holiday lately?

No.

You should go to the Philippines. The beaches are really nice.

Yeah I think I'll go there next time.

Yeah, you'll have lots of fun. Can't wait to go home.

You have to take me there. Let's go together. Show me around.

I'd love to. . . yeah you'll enjoy it.

How many time have I had this conversation? And with how many people?
And how many of them really meant that?
Surely not all of them. Then I'd have to take all of them to the Philippines?
Maybe a select few, but who? Too much small talk, too much beating around the bush.

What makes you think I'll be more than happy to take you there, we've just met!
And you just don't know how many people I've committed to tour around Manila,
and if you did you'd probably think I'd set up a travel agency to accommodate everyone.

What's with all the small talk? Why do that, when you can just tell me everything you've been so afraid to discuss. Doesn't matter if we've just met. Tell me you still wet your bed on really bad nights. Tell me you've been dumped. Newsflash: I will listen, and won't run away.

Small talks used to be very convenient. Safe, unbiased, always on a light note.
Well, it's getting old and it's time to cut the crap and tell me what you're all about.

And well, if visiting my country has really been a genuine plan and you're really passionate about it, then let's go together. Brace yourself because I'm really taking you with me.

DON'T LET ME DOWN by No Doubt

Laughing so hard
I got tears in my eyes
Walk in the park
Under sapphire skies
Oh, I can't believe that you're still around
Almost forgot how you let me down

Crying so deep
That I think I might die
Your mistakes I keep in the back of my mind
So hard to let go but I'm comin' round
The scars are still fragile
Don't let me down

So don't blow it
No not a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it
Don't blow it
Even a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it

Time after time
It's just too much to take
I've waited so long
Just to get to this place
And finally it feels like
The lost was found
You got me filled up now

Don't let me down
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
Don't Let Me Down

Thoughts while dreamy-eyed

It's never just a dream.
I believe that i dream is something that's part of reality,
something that may have happened in the past,
something that will happen in the future,
or something that happened in your own little world,
while you refuse to accept the present situation.
So even behind its dark sunglasses,
the world still recognizes your dreams.
It still acknowledges the fact that you're not only living
this physical life, this work-hard-play-even-harder,
dog-eat-dog, shit-where-you-eat life.
It looks inside you, and it knows you deep down.
It doesn't cooperate much, that's for sure.
But your dreams don't always have to agree with the world.
And that's fine.
Dream wildly, freely, like the world and its boundaries
do not even exist, like there are no limits to your life,
like only you care, and other people's opinions are
the villain in your dream.
Oh yeah the villains.
They make dreams more exciting,
like the button-eyed pseudo parents in Coraline.
Like Hatsumomo in Geisha.
Like Zeena in other people's dreams,
like other people in Zeena's dreams.
Keep on dreaming anyway.

I bought make up!
After 48 years!
Well every woman has the right to spend on make up,
especially if it's on sale.
For just 30 dirhams, she's so much prettier.

I need to cut my head in half
And see where I went wrong
I never had to beg
But it never lasts that long
I have to always think
If I look tough or not
And always in the end
I'm bruised, I'm cut
And then I am fine
And then I am not
And then I go home
With my IFs and BUTs
And then I am angry
And then I forgive
But no one's sorry
And then I concede

So this is freedom .
Blasphemous, sacrilegious, hell-to-the-world freedom.
Freedom that's so free it makes you throw up if you had to be free for one more day.
And it's not even your choice to be free.
I guess that's why communism was invented.
Some people can't be too free.
Or else they'd just live theri lives the wrong way.

I've been reading Ignorance by Kundera and it's about two Czech immigrants who come to vist their motherland after 20 years.
I've always been apprehensive at the thought of going home again. I want everything to be exactly the same as when I left. But then again, Manila may have not changed at all, but I surely would have. A year in a different place is not a joke. But desperately, constantly, I've been trying to reconcile my lifestyle here with my attitude in Manila.
But I guess that's almost impossible.
I can just imagine. When I'm finally home again, I'll be trying to tell my friends about my life here, anecdotes and souvenirs and places I've been to and people I've met....
And they probably won't be as interested in those as they are in the fact that we're all together again. And that's ok, flattering even, that my friends should want to be with a friend who's not in the know anymore, who hasn't been around to witness the fun times the previous year.
But then again I want to tell them all about my adventure, how I've been, who I've been talking to, the friends I've gained, the people I've been with.
I want them to listen, to be with me in the moment, and just understand me by hearing every single detail.

Irena's friends made an effort to EVADE her stories about France, and they all just drank their beers merrily, clinking their beer mugs to celebrate her return.
But they have to accept Irena, everything abour her, the pluses and minuses in her life, the tough shit she's been through, and the happy times she's had.

I'm just really crossing my fingers that my friends will be understanding and eager to listen to my stories and I hope they have questions about Dubai and my job and my life here.
But since I'm not sure how they'll react to those, I thought of something to perhaps lessen my ancxiety and at the same time help them relate to the Zeena in Dubai, the OFW.
I'm going to film Dubai. My house, my friends here, my former office, the kitchen I cook in, the job I have right now, the places where I hang out and the places I'd like to visit, the people I've talked to.

And I can narrate there everything, I can laugh there, cry there, I don't know! Just try my best to make my dear friends feel me while I'm here.

Ok I'll borrow Bert's videocam tomorrow.

We havea barbecue tonight because Colin bought a new coffee table....
and a brand new Prado! I'm happy for him.
For that I'm going to have chicken tikka and champagne.
I even dressed up. No, I'm not in my usual oversized pants.
I'm wearing a pretty skirt and pearl earrings.
Cheers!

Sometimes it's ok to cross your eyes, inhale thorugh your mouth, swallow without chewing, be attracted to cuckoos. Humor yourself; play with your senses.

some things that make me happy while away from home

In order to be the big person that you want to be, you have to let go of the things you think are bigger than you.

Like pride, fear, and insecurity.

Yeah I'm on my way to getting rid of these hyenas.

Can't Cry These Tears by Garbage

I just dont care anymore

Ive reached the end of the road

I just dont care anymore

Wont cry these tears anymore

Cant find it in the bible

Cant find it on tv

Cant find it in diamonds

Theres something inside me that just wont allow me to

Find it in music

Cant find it in my soul

Cant find it in chocolate

Oh babe I cant hide it

I cant even find it in you

Theres no way she can kiss you

The way that I do

I heard that you miss me

Oh you should be careful of who you keep talking to

Long nights without you have taught me to be strong

Ive cut all my losses

Think no more about it cause I couldnt find it in you

There was a time I thought Id die

If you should ever leave me high and dry

Now you dont want me any more

Its time to settle the score

I just dont care anymore

Ive reached the end of my tether

Ive torn all your letters up

I just dont care anymore

Wont cry these tears anymore

I just dont care anymore

Ive reached the end of my rope

And its time that I told you so

I just dont care anymore

Wont cry these tears anymore

When you have long-temr goals, for yourself and the ones you love most, you can never go wrong with how you live your life. I may have fucked up so many times, but now I've seen the light and will stick to my plan.

To say "I am afraid" is just like saying "I am not willing to live" --- just sucks the life out of you.

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who couldn't hear the music."
- Angela Monet