On Wednesday night I finished Memoirs of a Geisha, and was a bit disappointed. I knew that it was a biography, but I didn't like the ending. Almost all her life Sayuri dreamsof the Chairman, to notice her, to be her danna (a sponsor, usually financially, for as long as the man wants). It turns out the Chairman likes her too, proposes to be her danna, and spends time with her, three of four nights a week. And somewhere in the novel Sayuri casually mentions that the Chairman is married. I think that she has lived a lonely life. Colorful, but ultimately lonely. That really made me sad and scared. More of scared, because of the fact that some people think they do not have a choice, and so they opt for the best thing within their reach, in order to live their lives "fully". I have always believed that going out of your comfort zone is the best way to see what else is in store for you --- something much better than what you have perceived to be the best, at least where you come from. And the thought that some people see no way out, well . . . just thinking about me frightens me silly. So I slept last Wednesday with a heart so heavy I fell off my bed.
Yesterday afternoon I started to read another novel, something by Neil Gaiman, called Coraline. It was pretty scary for a children's book. Imagine having "other parents" --- really evil counterparts of her own, with big black buttons for eyes ---- who want to keep you, and that's reason for them to trap your real parents inside a mirror. That's pretty scary.
Well, I find myself in a scary situation too. I have my period, and I am extremely grouchy. And I kind of figured out why I am this way. I may be grouchy, but I am always logical and able to see things clearly when it's my time of the month. I am almost sure that for a week, I become a little smarter. So last night I took the time to think about something, and it sort of gave me peace of mind. If someone is not certain about something, then he shouldn't be sweet-talking his way into your life, like opening the door to his life to you, and later on retreating, like he never meant to do any of those things. And so I put on my favorite sandals (my only functional pair) and went out to smell the fresh air that wasn't so humid anymore. I had coffee with a friend who was more than willing to give me a hug and hold my hand through all this. I went home still feeling pretty bad, but I read Coraline to sleep and I forgot all about my own horror story.
I had a dream last night. I was back home, preparing to do another brilliant monologue which, in my dream, I was so sure would make the people laugh and applaud like hell. Well, I went onstage and the people were just . . . noisy. They weren't even listening to me. Someone had to shush them to remind them of their rudeness, but to no avail. They weren't even interested to listen to me, even if I had a silly costume on --- large knickers and a pink wig, a huge blouse made of crepe paper, and a cowboy hat that didn't exactly salvage my outfit. That was fucked up.
I woke up sweating and panting and feeling really scared and weak, and I decided not to waste another minute feeling this way by taking a cold shower and finishing the laundry. I swear, one more scary incident and I'll have a heart attack.
And so I am at work again, reluctant to sit at my desk because of all the things to do that I don't want to do anymore, and the fact that I am a week away from leaving. Another scary thought.
See you in the ER, pal.
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