IT'S HERE!!!

Have you ever been so sure of something, and you want to immerse yourself in it because you had been wanting so badly, and now it's here?

But because you were used to always pulling away, you don't know how to take that big leap. You've forgotten how good it feels to just let yourself go. And that scares you, because you only have this one chance at the moment, and who knows how many other chances you will have, or when they will come, and you KNOW this is the right time to make a decision you had always wanted to make.

But you don't know where to start. You've gone sooo far that going back to the start seems like a tedious thing. You try sooo hard to remember how you started, but now it's all a blur. And you're afraid that if you start again without any guide or any reference to your history, you'll fail. And then you'll be devastated, and you will remember why you did not ever want to make the big leap.

But a friend told me that making a decision, whether right or wrong, is a brave thing to do. Not making a decision will not get you anywhere. The fear to be accountable for a big mess is always there, but what if the mess is worth it? What if the mess is sooo beautiful that you want to keep it? You want it to stay, let things happen, and one day at a time, you start to lose your fear and begin to really LIVE.

You see things brighter and you wear the dress you've been saving for a special occasion, and you wear the necklace you thought was pointless to wear, you stare of into space and be one of those "fools" smiling at almost anything. You leave home and you go places and you plan for the future and you feel good waking up in the morning knowing that you are not alone in this world. You clean your clutter and you re-decorate, again and again until your space looks perfect, and you want to drink and be merry and dance and listen to happy tunes. you feel so beautiful. It doesn't matter if you look stupid to others.

And even if you tell everyone that you're doomed and you want your old self back and you badly want out, you actually don't.

You just want to feel trapped in this mess and you've never been prouder of yourself for having made a decision. A decision. You know anyway that sooner or later things will end and you will go back to where you were, but that doesn't matter now. You push that thought away.

The thing that you were so afraid of was the thing you had always wanted. And it's here! can you believe it? It's here!