Dear Lis,

I love you,
I'm so proud of you,
and I will never leave you.
Ever. OK?
Let's just make things right.
We'll work together, ok?
We'll get through this.

Love,
Zin

a successful career and the best man in the world

Now I know why most people say it's wise to give up love for the sake of career.
Career is noble, it's everything you are to people. It feeds you, it nurtures your mind, it gives you pride and it's all you have when love decides to mess with you for the Nth time.
I do not have a definite career right now and that makes me very very sad. And it's not like I am the type of woman who will give up her career for love. That's BS.
I would give up the best man in the world for success on my own, for a job that would make use of what I've got, which is now slumbering in my brains.
Then again, wouldn't the best man in the world help lead me to my chosen career path?
And wouldn't he inspire me to be the best I can be in the whatever path I choose?
Hahahaha must wake up from this dream.

i miss zoe

Yesterday I was chatting with my cousin Daniella, and I she was telling me about my sister Zoe, how she has grown to be such a beautiful lady. I told Daniella to try her best to teach Zoe to act like one, which I think she's very capable of. Because, I realized, I am not. I cannot talk to her everyday and observe her behavior and sit with her and tell her all about adolescence and the evils of it. Shit. That's a very crucial stage in a girl's life and more than anything, I want to guide Zoe and lead her to the right path. What is the right path? Simple. Do your homework, stay away from boys, always ask advise from Mama when you need it. But of course we didn't do these things when we were 12 or13. We wanted to be bad! We wanted to see how far we could go! And I am more than sure that Zoe feels that way.

I could always reply to her emails, if she only takes the time to email me first! I could call her from time to time if she would just tell me all about her day and not say goodbye after a minute. Why is she not opening up to me? Have we completely lost touch, or she just doesn't know how huge my role is in her adolescent life? Or maybe twenty-something older sisters who don't know much about how schoolgirls behave nowadays are just useless? Baduy?

I just really want her to be smart, maybe not in school, but in life at least.
I want her to always think of me and Mama and make us proud.
She's so much stronger than me emotionally, and I know that she'll never feel alone because she has all our love.

I miss Zoe!!!!

limitless possibilities

I believe in the power of limitless possibilities.
But in this case it's not possible to go on anymore.
It's not possible to go to work thinking it's ok, I'm fine.
It's not possible to keep on trying to understand a friend who won't see the light.
It's not possible to tell myself that I'm not going through a tough time.
Because I am, and I've never felt so alone.
And the one person I expect to be beside me is nowhere to be found.

I sometimes see Dubai as a suicide mission.
Except I'm not allowed to die.
I'm going to survive wounded and traumatized.
But still I will survive.
And then I will appreciate limitless possibilities, the good ones.

where are the happy hours and golden showers and red red flowers that life promised me?
where are the lovely dresses and shimmering purses and heels that can kill the villain?
where are the cheerleaders and the top debaters and the head of the philatelic club?
where are the macho men and damsels in distress and the babies in their strollers?
where are the high school sweethearts and the three-way-calling til midnight?
where are the hideous PE shirts and even more hideous PE teachers and their whistles?
where are the families staying together and praying together forever and ever?
who broke the promises?
who made them in the first place?

it's NOT funny anymore so STOP laughing!

24 things to achieve when i turn 24

. . . (o diba parang kelan lang may 23 things ako!)

1. Start a serious career.
2. Have a five-year career and travel plan.
3. Save enough money to save my life.
4. Invest in something worthwhile, like insurance.
5. Lose the thighs. And I mean it this time.
6. TRY to quit smoking.
7. Wear a different color. Kinda tired of black.
8. Travel to another country (UAE gets old after some time).
9. Start working out again.
10. Be nice to everyone. Hooooo the toughest thing on earth.
11. Get rid of spider veins.
12. Start driving. And try not to get a ticket on my first time?
13. Clean my nails without my nail beds bleeding.
14. Drink on special occasions, when depressed, or extremely happy, not when I'm just bored or when I see alcohol.
15. Be in a serious relationship (last year this was in my list too. what happened?!)
16. Pee when I need to pee! No more "later, bladder!".
17. STOP being so pessimistic. See everything as an opportunity for growth, the start of something wonderful.
18. Attempt to start writing a book!
19. Learn something new, preferrably a sport or an art.
20. Read more, drink less.
21. Sleep more, drink less.
22. Remember things. I'm too young to forget shaving!
23. Meet lots of new friends and expand my network.
24. SELF-LOVE, the ultimate source of happiness.

I want to be lean and mean and be a killing machine. Hehehe isn't that a line from a song? But I really do. I want to lose 10 more pounds and kick people's asses.

I don't know. I just don't like being fat.OK my body is OK, but my thighs...ooohhh one look at them and I think my life is ruined, I'm never going to succeed in anything I do. And for the first time in my life I am NOT exaggerating.

My giant thighs get in the way of EVERYTHING, really, and sometimes I think I don't have a career yet because of them. Hell, when I was grinding with everyone to the tune of My Humps, shaking my booty, they felt the dire need to shake too, like they were Apple D'Ap and Fergie! I punch them before I sleep at night, and wonder why I was chosen to possess possessed thighs that think they were given the power to rule my life.

I even wrote a letter to God, begging Him to please give my thighs to someone else and replace them with Kate Moss's. Hahaha that's funny. If I had Kate Moss's thighs I'd look like a popsicle. Well, all my life I've been giving people the impression that I just like cushioning my lower body, so any change is welcome, ridiculous or otherwise.

My thighs. I was so afraid to write about them with the fear of provoking them, and waking up in the morning to find out that they've grown bigger, so big each of them need a visa.

So please acknowledge my braveness, because this means so much more to me than defending the honor of my family. Ok maybe that was an exaggeration. I exaggerate almost 99 % of the time that I think every hyprobolic statement that comes out of my mouth equals an inch of flesh added to each of my thighs.

OK STOP IT ZEENA. Where was I? Yeah I'm brave. Talking about my thighs is harakiri to me. So yeah, I'm the defender of all women who resent their.....


THIGHS THIGHS THIGHS!

"BE YOURSELF, DON'T TAKE ANYONE'S SHIT, NEVER LET THEM HAVE YOU ALIVE."
-GERARD WAY

TRADER VIC'S WITH VIC SOTTO (Obet)

Last night was a fabulous SAMASKOM night. No, I didn't go all the way to Pinas to attend an org party, but Eve, Obet and I managed to find time to get together and feel the SAMASKOM spirit once again.

FYI: SAMASKOM is the most popular performing organization from the University of the Philippines. Talented members, famous alumni, the best comedy-variety shows ever produced. Ok?

Ok. We had coffee at French Connection (which didn't have wifi, which SUCKED because he made me bring the laptop, which was OK eventually, because he offered to carry it). Once we sat down and lit our cigarettes, we started talking and didn't stop. I'm not just talking about happy shallow talking. It was TALKING, something I hadn't done in such a long time. He recalled the events that had transpired in his life for the past few weeks. It was mostly bad news, but we managed to laugh it off. Eve came with squinted eyes (oversleeping) and she too lit a cig and started talking. Talking, talking, talking. Wow. We were having so much fun that I didn't want the night to end. And it didn't yet.

We moved to Trader's Vic at Crowne Plaza, where Eve introduced me to this giant drink called Tiki Uka Puka (did I get it right?!). And one sip after another, I told them all about the shit I had been going through. Every single excruciating detail of it, and I made sure to finish my story first before I could finish my drink (that's new). They turned out to be extremely helpful and concerned and so full of love... that I just had to look around the bar like a retarded kid so my tears wouldn't fall.

NAKAKAHIYA KAYA KADIRI YUNG NAG IIYAKAN SA BAR HABANG MAY NAGBO-BONGO SA LIKOD NAMIN AT NAGSASAYAW NA MGA AFAM!

Anyway Eve held my hand and Obet gave me a big hug (big by his standards, as he's all bones), and I knew I didn't want to give up yet. They just made my night. I may have hidden things from them in the past because I feared being judged and resented, and when I finally told them I realized that the only thing they could do to me was love me more for my honesty.

HONESTY...is such a lonely woooooord (wala lang, konting commercial lang).

Then we went home and I passed out on the sofa and didn't feel like working for this God forsaken company..ever. But the Tiki Uka Puka's effect slowly faded nad I knew I had to do things right.

So now here I am at work, blogging (not exactly "doing things right"). I didn't feel like seeing those morons today. Each time I come to work I feel like they're all waiting to devour me. Easy prey --- young, Pinoy, quiet. Ah ganon ah. Humanda kayo!

And tomorrow I can just imagine. It will be a struggle to wake up again and I'm going to be so needy I might call up Bimby Mae Perez (my geeky classmate in fifth grade) to ask her if she's already a registered nurse.

But hey, let's not forget, Obet and Eve are just 60 fils away (two text messages)!

Ok let me buy a phonecard first.

NOT a martyr

I don't want to be responsible for someone's future, because I can only do so much.
I have tried my best to help them but they don't want to be helped.
They say they need me and they want me to be part of their lives, to help them solve their problems. But I can only do so much.
If they only knew how many sleepless nights I have been going through, thinking of how to deal with this. I am only one person, and even if I want to save lives and make everything all right, I have my own problems and I have a goal too, and I don't want to mess things up.
I do not want to lose my focus, go down with the circumstances, be a martyr and ruin my life. I am not selfish, but I just don't think I am accountable for a big mess that I didn't start in the first place. I want to move on and forget I was ever part of it.
I am not a coward. I just love myself. And as much as I love them, they must understand that even if I weren't there, the mess would still exist and they would just have to deal with it on their own. I am in deep shit, so deep I don't even know when I will come out of it. But I will, and I am sure that I will live through this, stronger and wiser.
I have so much self-love.
I need a hug!

IT'S HERE!!!

Have you ever been so sure of something, and you want to immerse yourself in it because you had been wanting so badly, and now it's here?

But because you were used to always pulling away, you don't know how to take that big leap. You've forgotten how good it feels to just let yourself go. And that scares you, because you only have this one chance at the moment, and who knows how many other chances you will have, or when they will come, and you KNOW this is the right time to make a decision you had always wanted to make.

But you don't know where to start. You've gone sooo far that going back to the start seems like a tedious thing. You try sooo hard to remember how you started, but now it's all a blur. And you're afraid that if you start again without any guide or any reference to your history, you'll fail. And then you'll be devastated, and you will remember why you did not ever want to make the big leap.

But a friend told me that making a decision, whether right or wrong, is a brave thing to do. Not making a decision will not get you anywhere. The fear to be accountable for a big mess is always there, but what if the mess is worth it? What if the mess is sooo beautiful that you want to keep it? You want it to stay, let things happen, and one day at a time, you start to lose your fear and begin to really LIVE.

You see things brighter and you wear the dress you've been saving for a special occasion, and you wear the necklace you thought was pointless to wear, you stare of into space and be one of those "fools" smiling at almost anything. You leave home and you go places and you plan for the future and you feel good waking up in the morning knowing that you are not alone in this world. You clean your clutter and you re-decorate, again and again until your space looks perfect, and you want to drink and be merry and dance and listen to happy tunes. you feel so beautiful. It doesn't matter if you look stupid to others.

And even if you tell everyone that you're doomed and you want your old self back and you badly want out, you actually don't.

You just want to feel trapped in this mess and you've never been prouder of yourself for having made a decision. A decision. You know anyway that sooner or later things will end and you will go back to where you were, but that doesn't matter now. You push that thought away.

The thing that you were so afraid of was the thing you had always wanted. And it's here! can you believe it? It's here!

what does your name mean?

A- Damn good kisser.
B- Good all around person.
C- You're wild & crazy.
D- You have one of the best personalities ever.
E- You have a nice ass.
F- People totally adore you.
G- You never let people tell you what to do.
H- You have a very good personality and looks.
I- You get hyper easily.
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L- You live to have fun.
M- Success comes easily to you.
N- You are absolutely beautiful.
O- You're an awesome person.
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- Sexy !
S- Easy to fall in love with.
T- You're loyal to those you love.
U- You really like to chill.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded.
X- You never let people tell you what to do.
Y- One of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for.
Z- You're a little too hard to find.

Today I crave nothing but chocolates and it's getting worse.
I promised myself to go on a diet but I see a chocolate bar and I forget about everything. I read on the net that maybe satisfying food cravings compensate for the lack of something intangible in one's life.
Oh yeah maybe that's right!
If I get a better job I'll swear off chocolates forever.

Happy Blogging

I've been writing about how tired and old I feel and I realized that it's not good.
Number one, it makes me look like a cynical bitch --- which I'm not under normal cicumstances. Number two, it makes me feel so ungrateful to my Old Man up there, as I am obviously blessed compared to others who are trapped in warzones and have nothing to eat (sometimes I find myself starving, but I'm not retarded not to understand the difference between my situation and theirs).

So now I have decided -- for the sake of those who read my blog and want to know how I am doing and mine of course -- that I am going to write about the beautiful things that have happened in the past week. And the moment I think about something negative, I will slap my face and continue writing about good things.

(Deep breath)
Here goes...

Fifi and I came back to Dubai from OMan and we were fetched by none other than our favorite driver Omar. We had a peaceful ride to our friend's place and we had dinner there. We were very happy that evening, and it was about time that we REALLY celebrated Fifi's birthday. We went home and found Colin's new lounge in the living room --- talk about comfort! I found myself jumping from one sofa to another, feeling like a kid and a queen at the same time. Then I took a shower and surfed the net, and finally slept peacefully.

The next day Fifi and I attended a job interview, and we had fun just spending time together. we visited St. Mary's church and spent a few minutes of silence, then headed straight to our home sweet home. At home we watched TV and snacked on just about anything we could find in the ref, which was packed, as Colin had just thrown a dinner party two nights ago.

In the afternoon I attended another job interview and Richie picked me up from work and we had coffee. We were both tired and we just wanted to sit down and talk. It was very relaxing and I'm glad we saw each other again. He gave me a ride home, and there at home I found Fifi happily surfing the net and doing her work online.

The next day I went to work and I saw my Pinoy officemates again, which was such a relief. I was especially looking forward to seeing Lester, because he always looks out for me and gives me moral support. So we all had lunch together Pinoy style --- tons of food, boisterous laughter --- and I was recharged again.

After work we headed to our friend's place where we talked nad had dinner and as usual we had a grand time. We talked about anything and everything under the sun, and we wished we had brought our clothes so we could sleep over. We also received a text message from our friend MIke, who really missed us --- and likewise. We'll catch up soon.

Then yesterday I went to work as usual and I was so eager to go home. When I finally did, I found Fifi still in front of the laptop. It was one of the few times that we spent afternoons in Dubai together, and we had so much fun. She was chatting with her sister, who has as funny as her, and they had a great time bantering while I was channel surfing and eating Koka noodles (not again!), and I just lazed about in the living room.

Then Colim came home, and we all had wine and talked, and he and Fifi watched a DVD while I talked to my friends online. It was really fun talking to Reiz. I missed her sooooooooo much! (Thanks for the testimonial Reiz! Kiss!) I must have had three glasses of wine by 10 PM. Then Richie dropped by to say hello, and I went straight to bed. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Today I know there will be more fun moments than bad, and I just have to open my eyes really wide to see them (like me eyes aren't big enough already).

Hahahaha. I felt so unnatural writing all that, but it felt good to write about nice things. No angst, no tears, no bitterness.
OK, but this is just for today! Tomorrow I'll have the license to bash anyone on my blog.

See yah!

Whenever I am asked to describe myself, I always think of a theme, a way to create a structure and determine where to start.
I have never really described myself randomly.
And I don't even have to use adjectives.
Just say random things about my self.
And hopefully, even if these facts do not really make up a picture of me,
at least they tell thr truth and nothing but the truth.
Ok here goes.

• I am very impatient. I never take my time. But I want others to take their sweet time waiting for me. Makes me feel special.
• I love being a Filipino. Smart yet submissive, finds humor in every situation, always ready to help a fello Pinoy, and has a perfect tan without even trying.
• I am very weight conscious. If I have one more glass of wine tonight I would force myself to throw up.
• I am selfish. I want people to notice me and no one else, but also I am very generous. I want to help people without being recognized and that makes me happy.
• I like to test people. I want to know what they're made of. If they are really as smart as they say, or if they're really as sincere as they claim to be.
• I hate the way my toes look and I really give them a hard time when I do my own pedicure.
• I have very very big thighs, like you can't imagine. Enough said.
• I want to be somebody someday and the thought of that not happening soon scares the shit out of me.
• I hate body odor. This is one reason I miss puberty, because everyone else didn't mind it.
• I want to travel around the world with someone really special.
• I want to talk. Out in the fronyard of our Dubai home, with a glass of wine or a bottle of Breezer, with someone I can trust my feelings with and just be honest with.
• I hate people who hate me.
• I don't necessarily lie people who like me right away.
• I am suspicious of people's motives, which sometimes drives me crazy. But then again, after all I had gone through, I would really have to take a second look at everything and everyone.
• I don't believe in marriage right now, but if there is someone who can show me that it can actually work for a person like me, why not?
• I am a sucker for alcohol and chocolates and there are only very few people whom I know understand me, and I would never trade them for the world.
• I love myself. Only sometimes I must hate myself because I become more and more evil every single day.
• I want to sleep now.

i get it!

Ok, I get it.
I'm the kiss of death!
So go ahead and run away from me!!!
What the hell are you saving my number for
and standing at my door for
and planning things with me for?
Just say it!
I'm old news and you're done with me.
Ok on second thought . . . don't.
So when will you come by?
Argh.
This is exactly WHY I'm the kiss of death.

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience."
– Henry Miller

cat and mouse

This whole thing is baloney. I get it.
I had been trying to experiment to arrive at a formula for this.
It turned out to be very simple.
It's a game of cat and mouse.

He likes me, and we spend time together,
and he keeps on asking me out,
but when we do go out and I like him back,
he pulls away and suddenly becomes unavailable!
Wow pare labo.
Or it can also be the other way around.
I like this guy a lot, and when he suddenly likes me back,
I lose the thrill and just drop everything.

How can we get along then?
How can we find each other and live happily? Not ever after, but for a time.
I hate being the cat or the mouse.
I want to be Zeena the other party in a decent relationship.
No lies, no deceit, no mind games.

God I thought mind games were a dating necessity.
They're all the same. They push and pull and push and pull
until the other person is tired.
Who gives up first? Hmmm interesting question.
I usually give up first.
Waste of time.
But what if he was just about to give up playing games and get serious with me,
right after I gave up?
Tricky.
So what's the moral of the story?
Don't give up?
Don't give in?
Don't think about it because it gets more confusing ?

Yeah it does.
DUH.

Dangerously Lazy

I didn't go to work today because I couldn't bring myself to get up from bed and go to work like I really loved my job. I hate it. To its very core. And I don't know how I can ever get out of it. I've been trying to make ways.
Anyway, I've always been resourceful, a quick-thinker, in a weird Machiavellian way. So i go and find ways to pull myself out of this slump. And I have opened several doors of opportunities. Lord have mercy on my poor soul.
Hmmm what I did the whole day? Did the laundry, watched Must Love Dogs on DVD (I can't believe I cried 4 times while watching that movie), made sure that the plumbers finished fixing the first floor bathroom and ours, mopped the floor, and watched TV.
Yup, I watched lots of news and Discovery channel shows.
Like I now know that the US is stuck in a rut --- it doesn't know whether to ask Syria to pacify Hezbollah or pproach Egypt so they can tell Syria to stop the war.... and I now know that great white sharks don't really like preying on human beings.... they just see us more lately because of more water sports emerging.
Hmmmm what else? This evening Colin, Fifi and I had champagne to celebrate Fifi's 23rd birthday, which was very very interesting and a true eye-opener for both of us. So champagne, plus a fun chat with my friends in Manila (YM messenger is the best). Great night. A little tipsy, now having coffee.
And now it's time for me to write about what's really bothering me.
I'm so afraid I'm not that resilient after all. Like today I got so lazy I didn't go to work. I don't want to just give up and be jobless, even for just a few weeks. I want to be a responsible young adult, able to pay her bills and pay for her dinner on dates and doesn't slack off and have a big ass from sitting all day . . . Well, too late now.
It's full blown. I'm too lazy to say I won't be lazy.
ANd that's very very dangerous.

Thanks Girls!

It's amazing how warm fellow Filipinos can pull you out of a slump just like that.
Fifi and I felt very lost upon landing at the airport,
but the girls who flew with us managed to make this
obscure provincial town "home".
One of them, Sheng, cooked for all of us and made sure that
we were eating three decent meals a day.
All the others bantered all day long, and Fifi and I
were just watching them in awe, admiring their resilience at a time like this.
If we were alone, we would've freaked out.
Tomorrow we'r going back again to our villa sweet villa,
but we'd like to see them again, our angels.
And if we don't get the chance to get together again,
we'll be sur to pay it forward --- the kindness and the
unbelievable ability of Filipinos to live in hope and humor despite hardships.
Thanks girls! Kiss!

Oh man!

We're in Oman!
It's hot, men are NOT hot, and we're hot-headed.
But we resolved to be happy no matter what.
Fifi celebrated her 24th birthday here,
and despite the hassles, we had a bittersweet celebration...
More than anything else, we celebrated our courage to brave this.
And laugh about it while everyone was worrying like hell.
Yeah, and we waltzed across the desert like it was a carnival.
I think God hand-picked us to go through this.
He thought we were funny, and he said we could handle this.
Maybe he even thought we'd make a sitcom out of this.
Don't count on it, Main Man, we're kinda tired.
But we got a kick out of listening to some of the girls here.
They bantered all day like there was no tomorrow,
and Fifi and I were just looking at them and laughing along.
At first we thought, "Mas may cocorny pa ba dito?",
but then after a few hours we actually thought it was funny,
and our laughter was genuine.
See on Friday!

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."
– Benjamin Disraeli

what i really need today

I believe that to survive in this world, you gotta have a beer (or wine) once in a while with someone you really trust and feel comfortable with.
Let it all out, and for a good two hours, exchange thoughts.
Listen, talk, gain something at the end of the conversation.
Get tipsy, get emotional, curse, laugh, cry. That someone is an angel. And the angel may change faces: today it's a middle-aged man, tomorrow it's a young struggling artist.
Your instincts tell you that this is the person to talk to right now, so go ahead, don't waste a minute.
TALK.
LISTEN.
Before the evening ends, and before the last drop of wine is finished, embrace and thank each other for the help.
And very few people realize that there is someone who can actually do that with them.
That's a pity.
When I'm old and gray, those are the people I will remember, the people who pushed me to go on living, keep on carrying my cross, and make me a little less lonely.
Plus, I just gotta drink once in a while.

Brokeback Mountain

Watching Brokeback Mountain last night left me depressed. Colin described it as "thought-provoking". Then he said something, something I kept at the back of my mind for the longest time. Hand on his chest, he uttered, "I don't know if I will ever find someone..."

People go on with their lives --- working 5 days a week (in my case six), paying the bills, going out to dinners ---- like zombies, when all they really want is to share their life with someone, so life is a little less lonely. I really wanted to explore my emotions as well as Colin's, I wanted to talk about it more, but I didn't want him to sleep with a heavy heart, so I just said good night and assured him that tomorrow would be better. That tomorrow is today, and it sort of is. He wore his tie, I slipped my shoes on, an we headed off to work.

I know that after some time, that funky feeling will make its way right in the middle of what I'm doing and thinking and feeling, and nights will be colder, people will look lonelier and jokes will be cornier again. Just like Jack and Ennis in the movie. They move on with their lives, have families and try to forget, but they never do. They always go back to the infamous mountain to relive their glory days. They try, try for many many years to stand being apart, but they end up screwing up their own lives and families.

So that's what happens when you put if off for a long time. Whether you have someone or not in your life, it's bound to destroy you sooner or later. What to do?

I don't know, and that's what's making me want to forget about it.
I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know why we all have to feel it, and i don't know how to make it go away for good.
For the timebeing, I just blog.

eat my shit

Do you know anyone -- friend, acquaintance, lover, relative --- who just drains your energy just by talking to you?

I had a phone call from someone who, just by talking and telling things about himself to me, sucked out the remaining energy I had that my work didn't eat up. He was trying to be nice and all, but I guess I just knew him too well and I didn't want to find myself in the middle of something with him again. And I made it a point not to eat my own shit anymore. So help me God.

aimee rabago, lika rito

I didn't know that Aimee was reading my blog.
Now I know. Thanks Aimee for reading my blog!
This is for you . . .keep on reading my blog!

But please, no profanity or the slightest sign of ka-jologan. Ginagawa na ngang class to eh panira ka naman eh! Also, wala masyadong angst. Ako lang pwede mag angst dito. Mag angst ka sa blog mo, ok? I'm reading it. And last but not the least, don't mention any ex boyfriend of mine here ok? Kahit sino dun, yung large or small. Will get a medium one.

In short, I love you and I thank you tons for reading my blog and posting comments all over it. Really.

And because you love me too, you'll behave here.

You Are 76% Happy

You are a very happy person. Generally, you feel content and that all is right with the world. Occasionally, you have a down day - but you have the ability to pick yourself right back up.

How Happy Are You?

nervous

Today I am nervous as hell.
I dreaded going to work like the plague.
I knew that this would be a hectic day, and though nobody has bugged me about anything yet, I expect that they will approach me like lions, ready to devour me.
I have several BIG responsibilities that I need to accomplish as soon as possible, as the holidays and careers of my colleagues depended on them.
And what if I just fell sick and dropped dead?
They'd still wake me up and shake me until I resurrect and am ready to face the PC again.
So yeah, even if I have been vommitting and suffering from diarrhea (and I really am), that's not an excuse to take a break. Or they'll break my neck.
Not that they're bad people. They've given me leeway and lots of "second" chances. So why am I screwing things up?
I don't mean to. I'm just very very bothered right now, by millions of things. I don't want to write them down one by one, because some of them I cannot put in words, some of them absurd, and the rest of them would make up an episode of Maalaala Mo Kaya. Gusto mo yun?
So yes I am still nervous, and how I end my day would be interesting.
But I'm not looking forward to it.
Praning lang siguro ako kasi walang tulog.
Walang tulog kasi takot nga pumasok sa work, kinakabahan.
O ganon pa rin yun! Nervous pa rin ako!
Hahahah walang sense na to.
Sige na, babay na.

What's so funny darling?
You seem to have that smirk on your face.
Not very pleasant, but maybe you just smile that way.
Everyone else is laughing.
Hmm interesting.
What was the joke again?

What do you mean nothing?
If something cracks you up like that,
makes you snort and whistle,
that joke has to be really funny.

Come on, you silly willy!
Is it a knock knock joke?
Or an anecdote?
I'll laugh!
I mean duh, it's funny I'm sure.

What do you mean I'm funny?
Because I want to know the joke?
What do you mean it's cool?
No worries?
What was the joke?
What was the joke?
What was the God forsaken joke?

Ok I'll laugh with you.

I feel weak. Physically.
The work, lack of sleep, wine nights etc etc have taken their toll,
and any moment I can drop dead.
I've been tired for the past few weeks, but have never considered resting.
Why not? Mabye because I am restless inside,
and to calm that storm inside me I need to move around.
Does that make sense?

Yeah, maybe that's it.
And please, I am NOT trying to be profound again.
It's a shallow shallow feeling, like that time when I was really tired from a dance rehearsal, I wanted to just crash, but I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't stop thinking about something.
So I went ahead and did it, and it turned out to be such a big mess and a grave mistake, but I did it anwyay and I was able to sleep. In tears. But yeah, I still slept didn't I.

...from Mr. Creativity himself.
Thanks Nomer!
(click on the image for a better view)

sympa-THIGHS

...I LIKE THIS.

Hi CookiE!

Hi Cookie!
How are you?
Sorry I couldn't talk yesterday.
Was very busy, couldn't even make coffee for myself.
Anyway hope to talk to you on Monday.
Remember this picture?
Lunch at Bento Box.
My treat!
You were telling me about your tennis friends,
and I was telling you about this guy I liked.
Awa ng Diyos, your tennis friends are still there,
and the guy I liked is now old news.
Now I'm telling you about another guy,
and I know you know he'll be old news soon.
Soooo you're employed now.
How does it feel to skip inuman with your tennis friends?
How does it feel to have The Cookie?
Love you Cooks.
All the best!

Anyway I hope you're reading this instead of changing the fonts in your files!

TRAPPED IN THE BASEMENT

Last year, Jel and I were trapped in the ELJ basement with X at 4 in the morning.
Think it was also in July.
We didn't know if we could get out of there so we could go home and take a shower, because in a few hours we had to go to work again.
We wanted help, but due to exhaustion, we just dropped to the floor and took this picture.
But now I know it was not exhaustion.
It was meant to be one of the best memories of last year.
Now if I trap myself in the basement it wouldn't be as fun.
So no, I won't try it here.

I wore bright colors in the dark room so you could see me.
I'm your lightbulb moment!
Why the hell do you choose to be blind!

It's a long shot. I can't, then I can. Then I can't again.
I think I can tomorrow, because tonight I can't.
Let's just say I can, but if I did, I wouldn't be able to do it again.
It's a trick. If I don't, I can't do it again. No more second chance.
That's so unfair. I ALWAYS give second chances.

CARNIVAL by The Cardigans

I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now

Carnival came by my town today
bright lights from giantwheel
fall on the alleyway
and I'm hereby my door
waiting for you

I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now

I hear sounds of lovers
barrel organs, mothers
I would like to take you
down there
just to make you mine
in a merry-go-round

I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now

FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION?
When you show people how vulnerable you are in the hope of winning their affection, 90% of the time, that pretty much leads to a heartache. A bad one. That's why I resolved to hiding my feelings. Looking happy when inside I'm scared as hell; acting scared when really, I am more confident that ever. And it's very very tiring, but that's the only way I don't get hurt, shortchanged or toyed. I know, I know. When you like someone, tell him! Show the world! This might be your last day on earth and you should not waste a second. But who really wants to die looking stupid?

FACE IT
When I take a walk in the streets and observe people, I am particularly attentive towards younger women. Nineteen, twenty-year-olds who look fresher and sweeter than ever, not too old to get disillusioned or look like hags from worrying about finances and serious relationships, but not too young to get in the sack with male adults. Hmmm interesting. I often find myself wondering, if on the bus, I sat beside a younger woman, and a man was to look at us, would he think of me as old trash? Would he even glance at me? Tsk tsk. Whatever happened to banking on my youth? Where the hell is my youth? No, there is no way I can prevent growing old, unless I kill all women under 23, which is very very unlikely to happen. Maybe I can focus on my advantages, say, experience. Yes, my struggles and the lessons I have learned in life are incomparable. A cute face cannot compensate for naivite. Good. Never mind if looks and experience are two different things. There, I made myself feel better again.

LALALALALA
I've been sad the past couple of days. I have been listening to some of my favorite songs and they never fail to rise to the occasion. They kind of tell me how I feel, which is great, because I don't have to get lost in the middle of my emotions. I am NOT trying to sound profound here, but yeah they do that. Most of the time I find it really hard to determine what is upsetting me, and my tunes lead me to that direction.

"Where do we go? Nobody knows... I've gotta say I'm on my way down... God give me style and give me grace... God put a smile upon my face..."

"From time to time, do you guess what's really on my mind? Guess that "How you keeping now?"Means "Where are you sleeping now" ..."

"Sometimes I feel like I dont have a partner..Sometimes I feelLike my only friend...Is the city I live in the city of angels? Lonely as I am...Together we cry..."

The End.

what a load of crap

7:30 PM

Baloney. Some men just don't think. They tell you the sweetest things in the world, that they want to get to know you and they can't wait to see you again. And when you show the slightest sign of disinterest they get a high out of the challenge they're facing. BUT when you hint that you want nothing more that fun, they "settle" for that in a heartbeat. That's very amusing.

Take Gabrielle Solis in Desperate Housewives for example. Her lawyer tells her that he's in love with her. She undresses and he jumps on her without even thinking. Wow, love. How romantic.

That's how you see through a man, to know if his intentions are real, if his words are not just words but the truth that comes from his heart, and if he really wants you for you and not just to not get through the year without getting any. All other forms of tests are crap. It's a little risky, but hell, it works every single time.

Cheers!

amuse me

Friday!!!
It's the much awaited wekeend, and still I'm having coffee and a banana for breakfast.
What is there to look forward to anyway?
Hot pancakes with blueberries and cream?
I just find ways to humor myself.
This morning I forced myself to laugh at what I was wearing.
An oversized shirt and yesterday's skirt, inspired by Judy Ann in Esperanza.
Not funny. I didn't wear this for shtis and giggles.
I simply had nothing else to wear, because I am not home.
Fifi is still in the shower, and as much as I want to banter with her,
it's hard to hear her. Besides, she's singing that rock song from Rockstar Supernova.
Hmmm what to do, what to do.
Maybe ask Eve and Obet to go for an evening swim?
Invite someone for coffee?
Attend that UP AA thing at Crowne Plaza?
Spend the whole day in the bath tub?
Clean my toes and pick my nose?
Patiently wait for someone to call me and say "Put on your dancing shoes and let's go singing!" ?
Learn a different language on line?
Attempt to fix our toilet?
Decisions, decisions.
And yet, I don't want to move a muscle.
So what's so special about Fridays?
Thursday nights get me high, Friday mornings leave me dry.
And Friday nights? Hope my fate will change.

week night girl

Week night girl
Escapes the world
Off to heaven
For the night
Glass of wine
Cigarettes
9 t o12
All the best

Do you wish you were with me
On a beautiful weekend?
I am home, thinking maybe
I can stretch your weekend

Week night girl
Weak in the knees
Three rings on the phone
Means come outside
Struggling to
Stay awake all night
Thinking there is more
No more boring weekends
Anymore

Do you wish I could come there
On a beautiful weekend?
Did I mention I love you more
On a beautiful weekend?

wednesday!!!

BOREDOM
Ever felt sooo bored you wish your boss would fire you?
Sometimes I just want to see what happens if I ignite any sort of conflict at work. Perhaps I can set the washroom on fire or microwave a huge stinking piece of shit at lunch time.

NIGHT ALONE
Last night it was fun spending time in my room, alone, writing in my blog and journal, listening to old rock tunes, having a cigarette by the window and gazing at the spectacular Fairmont HOtel which changes colors every two minutes. Pink, white, green, purple.

ALCOHOLISM
Yesterday in the bathroom I was trying to take a dump (I am eternally constipated --- thank you for that info Zeena!), with a cigarette in between my fingers in one hand and a Breezer in the other. Then I realized that I couldn't do anything at home without a bottle of Breezer or a glass of wine in hand. I do my laundry, have my dinner, watch shitty shows on Colin's fabulous TV, laze about in the bath tub, tidy up our room, try to cook... with any alcoholic drink I can find. I drink to celebrate, to ease boredom, to drown in my sorrows, to sleep, to stay awake, to have excuse to do stupid things. I drink drink drink, like there's no tomorrow! Wanna have a few bottles with me?

FELLOW PINOYS
Yesterday I my carlift driver Omar picked me up at work at exactly 5 PM. It was part of his routine to go around Media CIty, INternet City and Knowledge VIllage to seek potential passengers before going home. THat was also an advantage for me, since more passengers meant a huge discount for me. He said I was unlucky, because whenever I rode with him he couldn't find other passengers. So yesterday I kept my fingers crossed, and passing Al Wasl Road one Pinay hopped in, and we went to pick up another Pinay, and two bus stops later, we were packed as two Pinays and one Nepalese joined us. I enjoyed listening to their stories, and enjoyed having to pay Omar only 5 Dirhams. Yahoo!

OTHER THOUGHTS
I want to lose 4 kg. So help me God.
I am badly missing all my friends and wishing they'd email me and tell me all about their lives.
I can't wait to see the stuff Mama sent me. I hope they're good ones. A pair of sandals from Bangkok and a necklace...
I noticed last night that my skin had become dry.
Not only my skin. My mouth.
My humor.

Googlism for: zeena

zeena is currently working with video artist janene higgins in aproject based on solo electric harp pieces with live video projection
zeena is described as thin and hard
zeena is th domineering influence
zeena is picky and irritable
zeena is associated with winter
zeena is #1
zeena is a sickly woman
zeena is already home
zeena is completely sour and hopeless
zeena is working on a new project with lacey call $shot
zeena is also a composer with a unique vision
zeena is not young
zeena is very suspicious of their relationship
zeena is quite patient with the girl though
zeena is settling into an invalidism of her own
zeena is a hypochondriac
zeena is too overbearing and just plain evil
zeena is a recipient of the prestigious grant for contemporary performance arts
zeena is portrayed far more sympathetically in the movie
zeena is simply a marriage of convenience
zeena is bitter
zeena is not as rounded a character as her husband
zeena is a malamute
zeena is an immortal woman
zeena is a loser wannabe who dissed her dad as her unfather
zeena is a research associate working on the connecticut youth team
zeena is also lacto...
zeena is told that she needs more appreciable hired help
zeena is a prime example of a character that is unable to face reality and uses imaginary illnesses to compensate for the things that she lacks in life
zeena is currently on tour with bjork
zeena is a sought after collaborator
zeena is sickly
zeena is suspicious but can't prove anything
zeena is an upmarket
zeena is a villain
zeena is also a person who has mainly been doing her own stuff and has been stuck with her part
zeena is watched over
zeena is dominated by caricature and an exaggeratedly hoarse voice that doesn't do justice to the colors of the characters
zeena is claiming responsability for his death saying she put a curse on him and thats
zeena is shiny black and white
zeena is a recipient of a bessie award for her score for jennifer monson's sender
zeena is playing it vigorously
zeena is imported from sigrid mathew of korella kennels
zeena is our lovely girl sired by aust ch korella fire n ice
zeena is living with this family member and sharing skills that promote inner strength and healing that she developed during her stay in the east bay
zeena is “wholly absorbed in her health”
zeena is pictured here working on her ukc wp title which she earned in one weekend at 11 and a half years of age
zeena is a real showgirl
zeena is a sable
zeena is out of town
zeena is the obstacle
zeena is not an akita
zeena is forced back into her role as primary caregiver for both ethan and mattie
zeena is to her time
zeena is away and pretending
zeena is like that of wintery cold and unappealing
zeena is forbidden for men
zeena is incredibly talented and inspired
zeena is an immature little brat that wants all the attention
zeena is making things up? why?who told you that
zeena is visible in the light
zeena is strong brilliant and powerful
zeena is the kitchen
zeena is a lesser villainess
zeena is in a rocking chair in front of the stove
zeena is a first time grandmother as of friday
zeena is obsessed with all kinds of trivialities too numerous to mention…

Zeena's Dinner

I cooked dinner today and ate all of it.
I marinated some chicken breast fillet in soy sauce, garlic, onions and some seasoning.
Fried it, threw in some tomatoes and viola! Zeena's dinner.
I clapped at my masterpiece.
A far cry from being the perfect housewife,
but closer to my goal of not being stupid in life.

Can this unnamed dish mean something else?
A start o something big, maybe.
Maybe in a few weeks I will be able to throw a dinner party.
I will serve Zeena-tossed fresh greens and maybe two or three dishes that will earn the approval of my dear friends.
And don't forget the wine. I'll probably get two bottles: One red, one white.
And will propose a toast to a new Zeena.
One that doesn't cringe at the thought of pots and pans and table manners.

I didn't even touch the Koka noodles in the cupboard.
Nope, didn't even think about it.

You think forgetting about instant noodles is a step closer to being a good housewife?
Laugh all you want, but I want to be the perfect housewife.

Oh, I forgot. I'm never getting married.
So maybe I should go back to Koka?
Kakaloka.

What the hell were they thinking, giving me a chance, but not giving me the challenge I need?

STARTING TODAY by Natalie Imbruglia

Starting today
I'm not gonna waste another moment
Even if I had had the chance beforeI would have blown it
But you took me by surprise
And you caught me just in time
Everyday
You give me reason not to walk away
I'll stop believing that the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me

Starting Today
I'm not gonna worry about tomorrow
I'll wash awayAll this fear that's left me feeling hollow
'Cause you make me wanna try
And you caught me just in time
Everyday
You give me reason not to walk away
I've stopped believingI should run like crazy
'Cause if I did you'd chase me anyway
I should've told you so many times
But I shied away
Somehow you always seem to
Be there making it easy
And you give me reason to stay everyday

Ooh everyday, everydayI've stopped believing
I should run like crazy
'Cause if I did you'd chase me anyway
You give me reason not to walk away
I've stopped believing
That the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me
Starting today
I'm not gonna waste another moment

giggly

Last night I was so giggly.
Half a bottle of sweet sweet wine
and two cups of instant coffee loaded with brown sugar and milk . . . some dancing in the living room, singing in the bathroom, and bantering with Fifi, who was mopping the floor with her back while talking on the phone.
I sprinted upstairs, changed, washed up, wrote a letter to Fifi . . . I was humming while doing this.
When Fifi finally hopped into bed, I found myself still restless, wanting to chitchat with her some more. But she was very very sleepy, so I just humped her and told corny jokes until she cracked up.
She also expressed her disgust whenever I would pass gas, like I could help it.
Hahhahahahahahhaahahahahaha.
What a fun night.

HI FRIENDS!

Ladies and gentlemen, two years after college, we are doomed!!!

Careers. Disgusting. Not everyone is Paris Hilton, but we all fear ending up like what'shername, that girl form Batch '98 who can't even produce a hundred pesos to save her life, and her lovechild's. Or maybe the honors student walks endlessly around business districts (doesn's matter where she is --- Makati, SHeikh Zayed, TImbuktu) to make her presence known to international companies that need brilliant minds. Dear God, please make me wake up tomorrow morning to find that I'm also an heiress.

Youth. Don't we all struggle to avoid looking old, thinking old and experiencing backaches without a hunk to give us an oil massage. Let's give it up for the face creams and body lotions and anti-aging capsules that give our skin that healthy seventeen-year-old glow.

Love. At 23, we've had, maybe one, two, three, four relationships that we wished would magically transform into a happy family. Hahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha.
Ok, so maybe that's not possible, so we go out on dates just to see if there are guys who don't try to get into our pants. Hahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha.
So we pull our pants down and wear them again, just to see if there are any takers. And if there's positive response, you know the creams are working.

Body image. Large thighs then, larger now. Different strokes for different paranoid female tweny-somethings. Maybe the others have to live with large cheeks, or ridiculously large breasts hanging from their chests like papayas South East Asia. I'm not thin enough, God damn you!!!!

Or maybe we're not doomed. Let's change the world. Let's plant trees and recycle, and help build a school in Olongapo to keep the children off the streets. Let's build dams and donate old clothes to calamity victims, let's be generous for crying out loud! Let's burn our diplomas and sing WE ARE GONNA LOVE YOU, PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! WE ARE GONNA MAKE THIS A BETTER WORLD! And then we remember that one of the members of that singing group is an unwed mother, and we remember why we want a good job, a nice body, a loyal boyfriend and the constant fear of losing our youth.

Instant noodles and reality shows

Last night, after one Martini with my mom's friends, I decided to ditch work today and do nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

I woke up, went downstairs to smell that oh-so-familiar aroma in the kitchen.... instant noodles, the cheapest at Hyperpanda, the kind that reminded me why I had to look for a better job and keep pushing my career plan to chase time. I will not, I repeat, I WILL NOT have Koka instant noodles for breakfast for the rest of my life. Colin's wheat bread helped me elevate myself a little from poverty, and the Cheez Whiz I spread on it simply made me miss home. "God I miss home..." And then I snapped out of my home sickness when I poured the noodles from the pot to the bowl. "Now I'll eat this crap and not crave sandwich spread from the Philippines, because tomorrow I will have a career, and I will buy that company that manufactures Cheez Whiz." I swear, Koka makes you dumb and illogical.

Amused myself more when I proceeded to the living room to find Fifi screaming her empty intestines out while watching the reality show The Bachelorette. So girl chose guy1 and guy2 looked like a complete idiot on TV, never mind the fact that he looked stunning in a gray suit. But soon girl and guy1 made a scene on TV (which was good for ratings, but bad for the brain) --- girl dumped guy1 and said they were not cut out to be with each other, and poor guy1 held the engagement ring in his hands like it was her hymen, crushing it and (just a guess) wishing she would turn out to have a penis, that way he wouldn't have to look so pitiful, even if that would make him look more stupid than guy2. Lucky guy2. NOT! I think they're all dumb and wishing they had not agreed to participate in a reality show that played with people's feelings. They're now messed up, but wealthier I suppose, and well, maybe, ultimately, that was all that mattered. Never mind the broken hearts, throw 'em out the window and buy a luxury car or upgrade your small apartment and appear in magazines and showbiz talk shows.

By this time the noodles were finished. All those artificial shit absorbed by my body, and that was the reason I hung around to watch Who Wants to Marry My Dad. By now there were two women vying to be the wife of a hunky successful man, whose three daughters had all the power to choose who between Dolly Parton lookalike and evil-step-mom-looking contestant #2. Ooh, who would the girls choose? LIGHTBULB MOMENT. Why don't we subject them to a lie detector test. "Suzanne, have you fallen in love with our dad?" YES. Thumbs up. "Stacy, have you fallen in love with our dad?" YES. Thumbs up again. GOD. It's so hard to choose. "I know, let's ask Dad!" So they huddled somewhere in the woods with Dad and Dad expressed his feelings for one of the women, and the girls decided based on that. To cut the long senseless story short, the girls ended up choosing Stacy, the evil-looking but elegant woman. Bet she couldn't wait to be part of their family, not to mention the spotlight, and maybe, the last will and testament. IF they divorced, that could mean more cash flowing into her bank account. Clap calp clap. Brilliant job, producers.

By this time my head was aching and I was hungry for more Koka noodles. More more more reality shows too!!! Then I suddenly snapped out of it and stood up. That's it. I gestured to spit on Colin's entertainment system, but of course I wouldn't dare, as he just got a new plasma TV. "That's a load of bull shit. No two people end up that way, and maybe they're happy now, but give it a few more months and they'll go back to being their selfish, materialistic, jaded selves." And I cringed at the thought that I might have more KOka noodles for dinner.

It's good to dream. A nice man to take you by the arm and feed you gourmet food and never leave you, even feels upset if you mention anything about another man, even your dad. He'll propose and before you know it, you're sending ou wedding invitations and picking out a wedding dress. But if I had dreams like that, I'm afraid I wouldnt stop, I would be too happy frolicking on Fantasy Street that I'd forget to pass by I-Gotta-Get-A-Good-Job alley.

Oh Lord. (Smack my forehead) I totally forgot about the whole bran cereals and nonfat milk! Shit. Tomorrow I can have that for breakfast and let the Koka packs slumber in the cupboard, the I wouldn't have to slumber in cynical thoughts, and I'd pass that job interview. Thanks to good carbohydrates, I'd get a good job and start watching other TV programs, like CNN or National Geographic, and I would enjoy watching male hippo humping female hippo. Over bran cereals, not KOka noodles.