hope

My very first blog entry was all about optimism. By being such an eager beaver, would I end up happy, or was I blindly getting ready to get hurt?
Of course I wanted to be happy, I still do.
So I decided to be an optimist instead of a masochist.
Both are just states of mind, really.
And the former is definitely a better one.

I realized that it is not easy to be optimistic.
It's an aqcuired skill, a talent anyone would be so lucky to possess.
The moment I get scared I try very very hard to brush negative thoughts away.
Most of the time, I just try to forget about my fears and deal with them later.
This non-confrontational attitude is also detrimental to my happiness, because at the back of my mind I always have something to worry about while I try my best to have fun and enjoy the moment.
Now that’s awfully hard, and if I keep on doing that I might end up getting a heart attack or in a mental institution. Or unhappy.

Right now the happiness is just overwhelming, and things are going so fast that I’m having a hard time convincing myself that it’s going to be all right.
Pretty soon things might change for the worse and I wouldn’t know what hit me.
But I’ve made a mistake of being cold and practicing emotional self-censorship in the recent past, and I ended up sad and alone. I didn’t even enjoy each moment of something that could have been good for me. I just dismissed everything, until I realized that my anticipation of the worst actually caused the worst to occur.

So God was kind enough to give me something new this year, and it feels good.
I want to keep on doing this NOW, now that the opportunity is here and someone cares for me and is willing to spend time with me.
I’ve been so open with my feelings, saying things that are taboo in my made-up bible of first-stage dating.
But being open makes me feel good, even if I know it is also the key to getting hurt fast and badly.
But like someone said, the clever know enough to become cynical, but the truly wise are those that are clever enough not to become cynical, no matter what.
I’ve always neglected to mention the feeling I’ve always had inside me, a feeling that goes perfectly well with happiness.

HOPE.

I’ve been on Marlboro Lights all my smoking life that I’ve been keeping Hope in the periphery.