happy new year!

relaxing week.
i received a phone call from a good friend,
my friend fifi and i will spend the night in a hotel,
get a facial in a nice derma clinic,
and i am losing a few pounds.
just as i had planned.

and what i haven't planned yet
are pleasant surprises for me,
i can feel it.

i didn't feel this way at the start of the holiday season.
i was afraid to go through it because i saw no reason
to celebrate, have a week off from work, and not have anthing to do.
it was 3:30 in the morning, and i did everything to sleep.
i even told my self that if i continued being awake at such an ungodly hour,
i would end up like emily rose.
but nothing put me to sleep.
until i saw my bedside table.
it didn't look like a bedside table.
it was a heap of junk.
cords, mugs, bottles of perfumes, scripts,
unfinished snacks, one-month old cigarettes,
unused sanitary napkins displaced from their wrappers,
christmas gifts, makeup, pouches, and clean panties.
i was trying to find my pen so i could write in my journal,
but i would never find it unless i cleaned the mess.
so i got up, sorted my stuff on the bedside table,
and felt sooo satisfied that i turned to my closet
and did the same thing.

now my bedside table has a mug from my friend ria that holds
markers and pens, a picture of me, kath and lis that kath gave me for christmas,
a clay guitar the size of my thumb given by my aunt who's now in new york,
my journal, and the book i'm currently reading.

the book i'm reading is Break Up Diaries, lent by Lenni.
She said to read it immediately. That was in July.
now i'm actually enjoying the book.

and of course my bedside table is where my ipod mini rests,
when i'm not listening to aegis' BAKIT?
i love that song. listen to it.

it's hard not to love anything right now.
too happy to see the imperfections of the world.
i better keep my bedside table clean and free of junk.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

don't stop the fun

"I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes."
– Sara Teasdale

after a whole year of going out on dates and a short-lived relationship, i am forced to think of my emotional status. i may be very frustrated, bordering on cynical even, but i know that there is one consistent thing about me: i still see life as a children's party. it's still fun, and people come to celebrate with you and make you feel happy, and get goodies and play games. And when they leave, you know there are other guests coming. just entertain them, but never force the fun.

i have tried my best to make a relationship work, to "celebrate" our togetherness and sustain the fun. but the time finally came when my guest had to leave, and that's okay. i said goodbye and see you soon. but the party never stops.

cheers!

sci fi wasabi by cibo matto

What’s up b? wa-sa-bi
I’m searchin’ the city for sci-fi wasabi
The start button has been pushed already
Obi-wan kenobi is waiting for me in union square
My wheel needs repair. the bike lane’s glowing all over the city
My bike ’specializes’ in the nitty-gritty
New york city never had equality, it’s reality, economic duality
Where are my amenities
Tell me my sanity
Ain’t no analogy for individuality,
I got immunity from multiplicity
That’s how we do it. we got your harmony.
Where’s you’re identity?
Our name is stereotype with an a
I got to get the shit straight
Your vision of stupidity’s made of vanity
Keep your quality up in the sky
There is a hole on broadway, no control, it’s in my way
I feel no goal. where is my soul?
I got no reset for this game
A.o.k. gotta find an alley anyway
My hair turns grey day by day
Don’t erase your points, you’ve got your pace
Don’t waste your days, get your innerspace
Don’t give me chase, I’m at st. marks place
Feeling stromboli, not ravioli
I’m charging my energy fresh as a daisy
Biologically let your system know what’s up
Here comes your twin hopper
Yuka honda knows her water - ’pass the volvic’
No wonder her fingers are smooth like butter
It’s specific. no mind traffic
Cibo matto 1999!
I’m miho hatori straight outta purgatori
Ai? ai? alright?
I’m passing on your right
Don’t be snobby with me
Not aioli, surely not moby
Obi-wan kenobi told me in the lobby
Technically I’m free and I can find the key
Our name is stereotype with an a
I’ve got to get the shit straight. can you relate, my mate?
Don’t be late, my gate is open
Downtown still sends me up in the sky

LET ME SLEEP

THINKING IS MORE EXHAUSTING THAN RUNNING AROUND THE OFFICE. AND IT'S NOT A GOOD THING FOR ME.

i find myself getting tired at around 9pm, trying to sleep at around 11pm, and actually sleeping at 330am. once i am in bed, i suddenly get restless. sex and the city season 1 episodes, books about horoscopes and break ups and filipino culture, trying to get through to fifi on the phone, writing in my journal, playing the guitar, cigarette after cigarette, waiting for text messages to come in, anything to keep my mind off emptiness! i am physically tired but my mind wanders and it ignores its curfew.

i am on a yuletide vacation but my mind never stops working.
and it's just like any other day at work: i wake up with eyebags, extra bad breath and a headache.

girls rule, boys drool!

A friend told me that it takes half the time of the duration of relationship to actually recover from it. my relationship lasted four months, so in two months' time i should be over everything. what is its purpose? is it a mourning period? is it to spend time by myself to make up for the four months of being with someone?

whatever it's about, i don't follow that. those four months were easily replaced by four coupons. yup, four coupons that say: LYE AND JEL'S FEEL-GOOD GIFT FOR ZEENA: GIRLS RULE, BOYS DROOL!
The first coupon entitles me to a free Starbucks drink of my choice effective this month.
The second one entitles me to free dinner at my favorite restaurant, Cafe Breton, in January. The third is a free entrance at any videoke joint this February!
And come March, they have a surprise for me that I can't wait to see!
Four months of happines with two of the best friends I can ever have. They've got me covered for the yuletide, valentine and graduation season! : )

They say that happiness comes from within, and only you can heal yourself.
But it wouldn't hurt to have Jel and Lye around to give me something to start with.
Now that's one way to get over a break up fast! Thanks guys! Love yah!

"Ruin and recovering are both from within." -epictetus

"It is well for the heart to be naive and the mind not to be."
– Anatole France

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
– Albert Einstein

"Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits."
– Thomas A. Edison

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."
– Benjamin Disraeli

"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
– e. e. cummings

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
– Sir Winston Churchill

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
– Helen Keller

"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it."
– Thomas Jefferson

"None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone."
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together."
– Vincent van Gogh

"Facing it — always facing it — that's the way to get through. Face it!"
– Joseph Conrad

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
– Ursula K. Le Guin

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: 'I'm with you kid. Let's go.'"
– Maya Angelou

"In every person who comes near you look for what is good and strong; honor that; try to imitate it, and your faults will drop off like dead leaves when their time comes."
– John Ruskin

"None will improve your lot if you yourself do not."
– Bertolt Brecht

"Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control. These three alone lead to sovereign power."
– Alfred Tennyson

"One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
– Sigmund Freud

"No one can really pull you up very high — you lose your grip on the rope. But on your own two feet you can climb mountains."
– Louis Brandeis

"Pain is a part of being alive, and we need to learn that. Pain does not last forever, nor is it necessarily unbeatable, and we need to be taught that."
– Harold Kushner

"Put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success."
– Swami Sivananda Saraswati

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
– Kathleen Winsor

"I just kept on doing what everyone starts out doing. The real question is, why did other people stop?"
– William Stafford

"Believe that you can do it, under any circumstances. Because if you believe you can, then you really will. That belief just keeps you searching for the answers, then pretty soon you get it."
– Wally "Famous" Amos

"What is important is to keep learning, to enjoy challenge, and to tolerate ambiguity. In the end there are no certain answers."
– Matina Horner

"We arrive at the truth, not by the reason only, but also by the heart."
– Blaise Pascal

"Living well and beautifully and justly are all one thing."
– Socrates

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do."
– Freya Stark

"It is necessary to try to surpass oneself always; this occupation ought to last as long as life."
– Queen Christina

leftovers, anyone?

no two people are alike.
that's why all pairs in this world are likely to clash in more ways than one.
but despite this fact, many pairs are happy.
genuinely happy.
how do they do it?

three years ago, i saw a music video on MTV.
the artist was ninna pearson,
vocalist of the cardigans.
she called herself ACAMP
and released a solo album.
the song on MTV was called
"Song for the Leftovers".
I loved it.

Don't we perceive ourselves
as leftovers, people who
have loved and lost and now
wandering?
But this song makes sure
that leftovers are bound to cross paths.
And be happy together.

I still cringed at the thought of
being a leftover.
But that's a different way to look
at myself.
hehe.



SONG FOR THE LEFTOVERS
ACAMP

The night is on the edge now
Hanging low against the tide
The world is at it's best now
When the loveless ones collide
It's a long night
A beautiful night
And we're the first leftovers
Of the night

I'm thinking about the last times
And the people i had to hurt
I wonder why they couldn't touch
And why i never gave it up
You weren't hard to find
You didn't run and hide
We were the first leftovers
Of the night, of the night

The silence is a burden
When you don't really want to talk
I'm trying really hard now
To set alight my sleepy heart
We made a pretty sight
It seems we've found some pride
In being the first leftovers
Of the night, of the night

And everything is alright now
Everything is alright now
Everything is alright

You're not what i was after
But i'm happy with what i found
To dream of new beginnings
When the end is all around
I think you're alright
You qualify
For being my...Supernova

It's a gambling life
A lonely strife
But i think we're the best leftovers
Of the night, of the night

And everything is alright now
Oh, everything is alright now
Everything is alright

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A WOMAN IS STRONG?

go ahead, answer this question.
i'd love to hear from you.

one saturday night...

saturday night with high school friends.
after months of waiting, it happened.
cookie said to show up at mcdo katipunan at 6PM.

so at 4:30 PM I took a shower, rummaged through my closet
for a decent-looking top, put on red lipstick and velvet black mascara,
adorned my neck with elegant chunky jewelry, and blowdried my hair.
by 5:45 I was hailing a cab to katipunan.

6 PM at mcdo. no familiar face in sight.
one yosi later... wala pa rin. shet.
i put my ipod on repeat mode,
so madonna sang "hung up" like there was no tomorrow.

quarter to 7. cookie showed up.
sporty sporty cookie in sneakers and jeans.
we went to cantina.
she had a beer, i had green tea.
she tried to cheer me up.
i tried to look happy, but i couldn't.
my mind was flying everywhere.
love love love.
sigh.

8PM and it was still me and cookie.
she wanted interaction,
or at least a reaction from me.
so she told me about daddy ed.
she said she had already received a sign from above
that daddy ed was finally home in heaven.
good news, cookie. kiss!

830PM. terri came. kat too.
we were already four.
banter banter.
kat and terri had gifts for us.
kat gave me a picture of me, her and fifi
and a picture holder.
terri gave me a fabulous green bracelet
and a funky case from team manila.
banter banter.

then nikko arrived.
all the way from ateneo rockwell.
she looked tired from commuting.
then wyson, from gateway.
we played a game which i started.
2 pitchers of zombie.
1 glass for each girl.
out of 300 plus batchmates,
we must name one when our turn came.

it was a simple game.
but it relived our high school days!
an avalanche of anecdotes.
fast facts about each batchmate.
one mention of any random name
would crack us up endlessly.
not that we were making fun of them.
the nostalgia was just overwhelming.
cherilyn manalo.
hazel imperial.
robin perlas.
mary grace bucton.
deisree cagampan.
pinky villarba.
mery dela paz.
genevieve david.

hahaha.
drunken laughter.
hahaha.

then some high school boys approached us.
they were throwing a party for their friend.
they invited us to have free drinks at burgundy.
not exactly free. we had to pay P25.
we didn't go.

goodbyes, goodbyes.
at 1230 it was just wys, fifi and me.
we decided to go to eastwood
for super early breakfast.
upon arriving there we were
magnetized by the tiangge stalls.
five minutes into checking out their stuff,
wys realized she lost her phone.
a super expensive XDA phone.
we went back to cantina.
the management kept her phone after all.
wys offered them a reward or P1000.
the management refused to accept it.
wow. good people on katipunan avenue.
thank God.

chiara arrived.
we all went back to eastwood
to finally have breakfast.
eat all you can for P80.
that's when i became perky,
throwing punchlines like
they were a heap of palitaw
that couldn't be consumed by
four famished women.
my fault.
i was so giddy i must have piled on
a hundred in one plate and served them
to my girlfriends.
it turned out,
we didn't finish our palitaw.
we had to pay for an extra plate
for the untouched ones.

coffee at starbucks.
banter banter.
antok antok.
bye bye bye bye.
wys and i shared a cab.
fifi and chiara shared a cab.
4 am.

they made my day.
yeah, saturdays are for lovers.
lovers of fun.
and what better way to have fun
than be in the company of
your most precious friends.

terri, have a safe trip!
kat, say hi to the kids for me!
wys, yes i will have my lungs checked.
cookie, no bad vibes at all.
nikko, yes i owe you the full account of what happened.
chiara, good luck with your episodes.
charm, miss yah!
fifi, wake up!!!
love you guys!

break up, make up

break up, make up.
it's a vicious cycle.
it tests a person's character.
it comes with living.
albert einstein once said
that a person who has never
made any mistake
hasn't done anything at all.
then i must have done
a million things at 23.
not to say that i have achieved
a million things.
and that's okay.
break up, make up.

right now i just want to
forget about the break up part.

make up, make up.
sounds better.
my favorite brand is mac.
what's yours?

no time for weeping

i realized that i have a choice.
i can either sulk in a corner or gallop to my own bliss.
the latter sounds better.
i will not have time to mourn or regret.
i will be too busy thanking people who only want the best for me.
i will be too busy spending time with the people who also have time for me.
i will be too busy appreciating everything and everyone else around me.
i will be too busy cherishing the relief this decision has given me.
i will be too busy applying concealer.
too busy, too busy, too busy.
no time for weeping.

where am i?

exactly 12mn.
fifi's office.

my ipod's dead and so is my night.

they say that if a woman is really pissed or sad, she should get a pedicure, and she would feel better. well, i had a manicure and a pedicure and that didn't stop me from feeling this way.

i should have a drink or two tonight.
cocktails for a sad girl.
classic.

i'm sooo scared that if i went home i'd burst into big fat tears.
i'm getting fat already, so fat tears from a fat girl spell overkill.

i wish i had a fat wallet. if i did? i'd go to the beach and have some fun alone.
check in in a hotel and stay there for 24 hours.

lalalalala. nothing else to write about.
next time i'll make sure to write about happy things.

some of my days end with a bang.
this one ended with a wham bam bam and then some.

meet me in the morning

everything but the girl

Meet me in the morning
I'll have the motor running
Down icy lanes, under a glass blue sky
This is living
This is living
I haven't come to be a stranger
I haven't come to break your home
I haven't come to harm your children
I've come to be your love
Don't let the grass grow under your feet
The sands of time keep running
For now at last I'm down on the street
With the engine running

Meet me in the evening
I'll have the log fire burning
Down frosty lanes, under a darkening sky
This is living
This is living
I haven't come to be a stranger
I haven't come to break your home
I haven't come to harm your children
I've come to be your love

pick me up from work

pick me up from work
so we can dine out
and have cocktails

pick me up from work
so we can have beer
and a videoke session

pick me up from work
so we can have coffee
and talk for hours

pick me up from work
so i can see you
never mind eating

pick me up from work.
just pick me up from work.

wanted

DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?

LAST SEEN IN MANILA WITHIN THE LAST 24 HOURS.

THIN, PLAYFUL, SLEEPYHEAD.

OWNS A DEFECTIVE PHONE.

FED BY HIS SISTER EVERY LATE AFTERNOON.

PLAYS TONG-ITS UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN.

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT HIM.

REWARD: HIM!

my scans by the black eyed printscanner

whatcha gonna do with all that scans?
im gonna cc cc them, cc them to EPs now!

i go to work on sunday
i have to coz i get paid
to scan the sunday paper
but i can do that later

first ill check my blog, blog
checking out the tags, tags
coz im a PC hog, hog
and no one else is here to say

"can i check my email?
check my check my email?"
you can check but you can't type
coz if you type
i'll get a boljak
no no boljak, you don't want no boljak
nono boljak, you don't want no boljak

so don't push away my chair, boy
you're busy, i don't care, boy
i'm just trying to work, boy
and do my scans

my scans
my scans, my scans, my scans
my scans, my scans, my scans
my giant broadsheet scans
EPs, check 'em out!

end of the month blues

i am working late today because it's our fourth month as a couple.
not logical at all, but it's the best way to celebrate.
i'm having coffee with the PC right now.
if i kissed the monitor, would i feel better?

i couldn' t sleep last night

CALENDAR AND CLOCK
a song

lights out, way past midnight
no signs of the sun
the calendar, the clock
remind me of the one
i want to be with now
but he's fast asleep at home
and there's nothing i can do
but to write him a love song

so i light a cigarette
and i listen to some tunes
get a piece of paper on
which i spilled my orange juice
i begin to write some lines
but erase them afterwards
and embracing the guitar
i try to think of the right words

i begin to write again
this time i am satisfied
so i sing my song for him
but he's still nowhere in sight
will he ever know i wrote this?
will he ever hear my song?
i'll sing this while we're apart
but i hope it's not for long

second half of sunday sucks

in just a matter of hours, my mood has changed.
i printscanned for 4 hours and now im mentally exhausted.
if i have to do this every single Sunday of my life I will definitely lose it.
plus my hormones are playing with my emotions.
i feel like crying for no reason at all!
well, lenni will be here anytime to tune in to SIAM.
and give me pansit. that should cheer me up.
sigh.

"Six Feet Under"
No Doubt

In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Non-existent?
Not at all?
Will I ever know?

oday is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground

Subconsciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interference
Control, control, control

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
I'll be buried six feet underground

Whoa!

It's a Sunday and I choose to work. I'm prinstcanning, for crying out loud.
But it's okay. It's a sunny afternoon and I have the PC all to myself!
I must have gained a few pounds this week. I'm having trouble shifting in my seat.
And I'm having trouble taking a picture of myself, because from all angles my face is fat.
And I'm having trouble deciding whether I should get a pedicure or a facial.
Plus which coffee to buy at Starbucks so I can get that planner.
Yes, I want a planner. Dorky? I don't care.

Hmmmm I looove Sundays! I worry about trivial things because I have nothing else to do.
And it's not even worrying to me.
It's ______________! (Can't think of a word to define it, WON'T think of a word. too lazy for that). Ta ta!

dizzy happy

haven't been sleeping properly in days.
but it's okay.
it means he's bounced back from relationship slumber.
and i'll trade my sleeping hours for a fun talk on the phone
with tots anytime.
but now i'm really dizzy.
but happy.

WHITE SARONG MONOLOGUE

mga chong, bumili ako ng white sarong. ano kayang pwedeng gawin dito?

hmmm...pwede itong gawing altar!


pwedeng props sa cultural dance sa paco park!


pwedeng maging isang giant pasador kung ikaw ay babae! kung lalake ka at matanda na, pwedeng adult diapers. come to think of it, pwede ito kung babae ka at matanda na rin, or kahit anong age mo pa for that matter.


maaaring gawin magic carpet para makalipad tayo sa mga paborito nating lugar!


o di kaya'y gamitin ito para libangin ang sarili at makapaglaro ng tug o war!


at kung busy naman ang suki mong barbero...


at kapag nadisgrasya ka nang di oras....


at kung talagang gutom ka na at walang ibang makain...


at upang lalong lumigaya ang buhay mo....

....magkumot nang hindi mamaluktot!

naku naku, itigil ang lahat, may mumu!


ok, ipagpatuloy ang lahat dahil narito na ang ating beauty queen from sacred heart quezon city!


hay kakapagod talaga, makapagpahinga nga...


o nandiyan na pala ang barkadahan, may araw na. halika ipahinga na natin ang puting sarong...


BOW!

zombie

24 hours...
no sleep.
you've gotta be kidding.
i live to sleep.
and tomorrow is a looong day for me.
48 hours?
huwaw!

no one to banter with via SMS, he lost his phone.
so i'm awake for 48 hours with all work and no play.
galing ah.

my playlist as of nov 17

these are the songs i listen to lately. they brighten up my usual day at work!

on my way to work:

• desperately wanting: better than ezra
• when i grow up: garbage
• heaven tonight: hole
• sunday morning: no doubt

at work:

• love on the run: chicane
• doncha: pussycat dolls
• chicane: daylight

on my way home:

• listen: stonefree
• one: u2
• special: garbage
• marry me: no doubt

before i go to sleep:

• when i'm thinking about you: the sundays
• not an addict: k's choice
• alfie: everything but the girl

i will lose my mind in 5, 4, 3, 2...

i do not want a smart conversation
i do not want a fancy dinner
i do not want a sex marathon
i do not want a wedding proposal
i do not want a romantic surprise
i do not want a 5-hour talk on the phone


so don't go anywhere
but here

don't bring anything

just yourself

and don't say anything
i know
don't leave by yourself
i'm here!

too much

i'm always on the go and do not have time to ponder things.
i rush past my own thoughts because i always have work or something fun to do.
but when i'm alone and don't have anything to do, the things that matter to me most visit my mind, and i get so overwhelmed that i think that i can't take it. i can't feel that deeply anymore.
earlier this week my mother and i had a short talk about work. she looked so tired and she said she wanted a vacation but she couldn't get that anytime soon. i just said that i'd be here if she wanted to vent out. that was the best i could do.
and i felt so bad afterwards. i wanted to give her the time she needed to rest and the energy she needed to face another long day at work, but i couldn't.
that's the worst feeling in the world, wanting to do something for someone you love, but you do not have the means to do it. you're helpless.
and i that day i felt for mother so much that i literally felt paralyzed. i couldn't move a muscle be cause if i did i might break down and lose it completely.
i'm not used to feeling that way anymore. i easily brush things aside if i don't want to think about them. but this one is about my mother, and there's no way i can deny my concern for her.
yun lang naman.

when there's nothing else to think about

i don't want to live a perfect life.
i guess that's why i always find myself in bad, or absolutely senseless situations.
or maybe i'm afraid to strive for perfection?
so i scream....

who cares about......
music?
peace?
health?

give me...
noise!
drama!
headaches!

but what i really mean is...

teach me!
push me harder!
inspire me!
show me how to get there!

oks ba? wala na namang sense 'to eh. shet.

coffee with a lovefool

i just had coffee with my very good friend fifi. she waited until my work was finished and we went straight to coffee bean to have a chat.
she claimed that she was a lovefool, for falling hard for someone.
i say she's one of the toughest women i've ever met.
she speaks her mind and is not afraid to shoo away men she doesn't like.
she pleases no one else but herself, and that's how all women should live.
i love fifi because she's just this crazy girl who pretends to be a damsel in distress,
but the truth is, she doesn't even need to be rescued.
i see it this way: if someone finally finds her and keeps her, we have one lucky guy!
and i bet that guy is just as tough and lovable as my friend fifi.
but for now, she's happy with her new playlist on her iPod that i uploaded for her, thankyou very much.
so to good music, true love and being a tough chick, cheers fifi!

stop crying your pink heart out

The Pinks sang their heartaches out last night.
The cheapest videoke joint that had the latest songs, including Pinoy Ako, Red Horse and an outpour of frustrations and sarcastic happiness made my night.
Jel and Bridge and Elaine and Lye and Zeena.
All angry and confused and wishful and just about to give up,
but towards the end of the night we danced and bantered and
planned a grand night out next week.
Night out: velvet black mascara, red lips, and fabulous accessories.
Night out: endless dancing and getting drunk and going down with moon.
Night out: me and the Pinks sharing the same feeling.


STOP CRYING YOUR HEART OUT by Oasis
Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on...
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone

cavite and cebu VS me

right now my boyfriend is in cebu.
cavite, cebu.
i don't really feel the difference because
it's been a month since we last saw each other.
here's cavite:



and here's cebu:



see the difference? i don't.

i hate calendars

I hate calendars.
I see no use for them in my life.
My period is irregular, so I don't cross out dates.
I have no definite schedule at work.
And my schedule with my boyfriend is worse.
It's non-existent.
So I threw away my planner.
And now I don't care whether it's November or June.
I don't care if it's Monday or Saturday.
I don't plan my weekends.
I don't plan my life.

another one about youth

when i grow up i will be stable
when i grow up i'll turn the tables
don't take offense
gonna make amends
rip it all to shreds and let it go
-Garbage

fireworks

no expectations.
just happiness.
is that possible?
last month we watched fireworks at midnight.
i saw ember of different colors fading down on us.
maybe something else had faded?

cramps, cranks

i hope my cramps go away faster than i can say SEVERE DYSMENORRHEA.
i got my period this afternoon and the pain is eating me alive!
my back hurts, i'm cold, i'm restless and annoyed for no apparent reason!
and this hassle is caused by none other than myself.
i live a sucky lifestyle.
i'm indolent and always running around.
i smoke, i don't eat on time and i gulp down coffee by the pail.
what's worse than severe dysmenorrhea?
pregnancy!
ok, i have my period and it's killing me.
but who's complaining?

how jealous am i?

i took an online jealousy test and guess what?


How jealous are you?
Your score = 65
While you're certainly not immune to the occasional twinge of jealousy, you are generally able to balance envious feelings with a calm and logical attitude. When you feel an attack of the green-eyed monster coming on, you try to calm down and take an honest look at your feelings. If it's a small thing, like your girlfriend/boyfriend innocently chatting to an attractive stranger at a party, you are generally able to let it go - or at least restrain from blowing it out of proportion. If you decide you have legitimate reasons to be envious, you would likely express it; this is where things can go wrong if not handled with the utmost finesse. Do you verbally attack the "guilty party" or make harsh accusations before knowing the whole story? Jealousy is a natural emotion, but can become poison in any relationship. As long as you try to keep your slightly jealous nature in check, it shouldn't do any damage.

just because you feel good doesn't make you right

"Hedonism (Just Because You Feel Good)"
skunk anansie

I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY NOW
I SEE YOU FEEL NO PAIN AT ALL IT SEEMS
I WONDER WHAT YOU`RE DOIN` NOW
I WONDER IF YOU THINK OF ME AT ALL
DO YOU STILL PLAY THE SAME MOVES NOW
OR ARE THOSE SPECIAL MOODS FOR SOMEONE ELSE
I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY

NOWJUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GOOD
DOESN`T MAKE YOU RIGHT, OH NO
JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GOOD
STILL WANT YOU HERE TONIGHT

DOES LAUGHTER STILL DISCOVER YOU
I SEE THROUGH ALL THOSE SMILES THAT LOOK SO RIGHT
DO YOU STILL HAVE THE SAME FRIENDS NOW
TO SMOKE AWAY YOUR PROBLEMS AND YOUR LIFE
OH HOW DO YOU REMEMBER ME,
THE ONE THAT MADE YOU LAUGH UNTIL YOU CRIED
I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY NOW

JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL
GOOD DOESN`T MAKE YOU RIGHT, OH NO
JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GOOD
STILL WANT YOU HERE TONIGHT

WANT YOU
I WONDER WHAT YOU`RE DOING NOW
I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY NOW

NEVER TOO OLD FOR THIS!

Hanging out with high schools kids actually made me think about my own age. I am 23, and before my encounter with the Kiddieyapster bunch by the beach, I thought I was young and had a lot of things ahead of me. And i couldn't wait to conquer the world, I wanted to see already what I was "missing".
Turned out I was missing my teenage years!

Young fellows will be young fellows. -Isaac Bickerstaff
The guys we met were in their senior year in high school. They cussed, smoked and drank like men, but their white lies revealed their age. They would give us grown-up names, and after a few beers, would call each other by their real names. They would tell us about their life in "college", and they didn't even know what ACET meant. Yeah, Isaac. Young fellows will be young fellows.

No man knows he is young while he is young. -Gilbert K. Chesterton
I am young. I've been telling myself that since the night we met the boys. I want to be young. I want to be the class clown, have a magical prom night, cut class and organize a batch party. See my crush walk past my school, be happy with P50 in my pocket and dance in the cafeteria for kicks. Hmmm come to think of it, I can still do these things at 23. And that's how I really knew I was still young. Younger than you, I bet!

Youth is the best time to be rich, and the best time to be poor. -Euripides
It's the best time, period. A bitchfight between two classmates is always more fun to watch than an argument between two colleagues at work. When I was in high school, not having money meant hanging out at the cheapest canteen on campus, eating crumbs off the floor and drinking dirty sago gulaman while bantering with my friends. And having money meant... well, more food during lunch time. And that's the best thing that could happen when you're 16 and confined within the campus.

Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old. -Franz Kafka
When I was 16, I could appreciate a nice song. Now I can't finish a song on my iPod. Maybe because life as a 20-something is faster-paced, and as a result I've grown impatient. Make me 16 again, so I can memorize lyrics again, so I can learn chords and tabs patiently, so I can put up a band again and look forward to things other than earning money and trying to look young.

Well, youth is the period of assumed personalities and disguises. It is the time of the sincerely insincere. -V S Pritchett
Yes. When I was sixteen I was a musician, a class president, a comedienne, a writer, a softball team captain, a campaign manager, a dog, a ball, a lesbian, a beggar, a talk show host, a balikbayan, a Goth chick, a groupie, a roadie, a stupid person, and the list goes on...
And each character I assumed had its moment, making it a novelty. And every form of dishonesty was fun and not a point against morality. Now, do something dumb or kickass and you either go to jail or be ostracized.

Youth has no age. -Pablo Picasso
I am not 23, after all. I am 16, I am 5, I am 18, depending on my mood. And now, I badly want to be 1. When you're 1, the chubbier you are, the cuter you get. You get all the nourishment you need and people sing to you so you can sleep.

I am young. I've always been. It just took me 23 years to realize it, thanks to our weird by but super fun encounter with the "cool" seniors!

saturdays are for lovers

i haven't seen him in two solid weeks.
we didn't agree on seeing each other at least once a week.
but aren't couples supposed to go out on dates?!
do i have to ask every Friday if we'll see each other the next day?
correct me if i'm wrong, but saturdays are for lovers!
i see holding hands invading malls and restaurants.
i see cars speeding past me, the front seats occupied.
even my mother goes out on a date every saturday!
we're supposed to be part of that cliche circle.
so why do i find myself alone and envious almost every saturday?
why do i find myself texting instead of kissing him?
why do i find myself sleeping all alone in the sofa of seattles katipunan?
why do i find myself asking my friends if we have something planned?
am i single? because i feel like i am.
it's not only saddening. it's pathetic, it's annoying, there's something wrong with it.
when i entered this relationship i was so excited because i thought my saturdays would be a lot different. who knew where we would go? i expected a lot more fun that this.
this isn't even fun. i'd rather printscan than think of it.
now i'm dreading saturdays because my friends will ask me where he is, and i'm tired of answering on his behalf.
i feel like a loser bugging my girlfriends to have coffee or watch a movie with me. i'm supposed to be waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up so we can watch a movie or go on a joyride or have dinner together or just stare at each other!!!
will it ever change?
will it ever evolve into something more meaningful, or at least fun?
will it last?
because my saturdays are turning gray and my best clothes are rotting in my closet, along with my 31 red roses.

ye ye ye

i'm feeling fine
a want to
get inside
my lonely mind
and tell it to quit it
i'm so awake
i want to
break my promise
and waste my time
i'm loving destruction
i'm just like all the other girls
i need love and hate to rule my world
but i can't be just any girl
so i'm resisting temptation

kalat kalat utak

everyone is going away
and i'm here to stay
probably stray awhile
but i'm going home
to where my heart belongs
where is that place?
i used to guard it with my life
now i am displaced
and i can't figure out
where this flies
and i am a girl
and i am woman
looking for a man
and looking for myself
i'm getting over loving
i'm getting over loneliness
but i can;t help but feel that way
going out to dinner
wanting to eat by myself
wanting someone to feed me
wishing i were gone and back again
just like that
just like that
i tried and tried
but haven't gotten it right
right?
right!

where have all the cowboys gone?

Oh you get me ready in your 56 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorch,
Would you like a glass of cold lemonade
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills

Where is my John Wayne
Where is my Prairie Song
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

Where is my John Wayne
Where is my Prairie Song
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone

I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't, but you don't even notice me
Say goodbyes
Say goodbyes
Say goodbyes

We finally sold the Chevy
When we had another baby
And you took the job in Tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week
I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer

Where is my John Wayne
Where is my Prairie Son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone
Where is my Marlboro man
Where is his shiny gun
Where is my lonely ranger
Where have all the cowboys gone
Where have all the cowboys gone
Where have all the cowboys gone
Yippee yo, yippee yeah

here's to the nights

today i'm feeling empty.
galera days over.
night outs gone.
tonight we will have a different night out.
a surprise party for our friend.
and maybe we'll hang out with the boys.
the cute cute boys.
and maybe i will get drunk,
sleep early again and miss all the fun.
i hate myself for doing that. again and again.
once, twice, again, again,
i like the way it felt before.
but the thousandth time it happened,
the moment lost its novelty,
and instead of everyone offering to take me home
or fetch me some water,
they let me disappear by myself.
that's funny.
haha.
haha.
hic hic.
hic hic.

galera galera, im going back to galera, galera....

october 31- november 3
the grand galera getaway

a much awaited vacation.
fun-ner that expected.
every minute was worth it.

what did i love about THIS galera?

• sleeping. and being told me get my lazy ass off the bed so we could have fun already!

• sunbathing and soundtripping.

• walking around in my favorite bikini top, bruised from the sand and pebbles, and no one cared!
• getting a massage by the beach with the three best officemates in the world --- jel, elaine, lye.
• listening to doncha all night long. enough said.
• the drink that they introduced to me, which i introduced to my loser tolerance to alcohol. la mumba. sounds good, tastes even better.
• living on eggs and barbecue.
• picture taking! anywhere, everywhere, anytime, all the time!

• the contest. i was asleep when they started it, and they ended up (according to elaine) having kebab and kimchi!
• so the next night, i was so excited to join the fun. i ended up having tempura. was it cooked?
• taking a shower whenever i wanted to. elaine and i were too lazy to get up to take a bath. i didn't know she was lazy!
• not thinking about manila. at all.

• outfits. i brought skirts and tank tops but i ended up wearing my bikini top and favorite drawstrings every single night.
• baileys, compliments of the gentlemen. gentle boys.
• girl bonding with elaine and jel in the room! they were super fun and super evil. no wonder we love one another.
• bantering with my marzi. marzi always wanted to sunbathe and walk and wander out in the sun, while i was asleep. so whenever i had the chance i went with her. we danced silly steps for two straight drunken nights.
• breakfast with nomer. i super love nomer. we just laughed the morning away, soundtripped, bantered, had fun! in galera we were a couple, and we looked good together. :)

• smoking alone in front of the room, with my iPod and a bunch of old memories.

i always don't know

i'm apprehensive
when will my party end?
it has just started
i let in a special friend
it's complicated
i'm supposed to celebrate
but he's right outside
is he staying or not?
i don't know

i'm an angel
smiling at his apathy
i'm a devil
ruining myself for free
the clock is ticking
is there something i can do about it?
what about him?
should he be doing something?
i don't know

i always don't know
i always don't know
why i open my door and let him in
i always don't know
i always don't know
how i end up getting locked out

for the record, i didn't ask for this
all i wanted was to know his name
and give him a kiss
i didn't think that there was something else
he wanted to say
so i listened
did he mean it or not?
i don't know
i don't know

the dawn is breaking
i'm still intoxicated by this
can't stop thinking
and i'm getting really dizzy and pissed
has he left
for another party i don't know of?
perhaps he stayed?
should i be searching the place?
i don't know
i don't know

midnight madness

• hi there, i'm here inside fifi's office at ABS CBN. she's so busy trying to get "direk" to ready the "floorlight". haha, production jargon!
• in two hours i will take a bus to batangas with my officemates and head for galera, where we will party and stay awake for four straight days.
• i don't have much money with me. maybe i will thrive on leftover food or just graze on galera grass.
• maybe i will not eat at all, so i will lose 10 pounds in four days.
• or maybe i will eat my fingers so i can stop texting, because it's all i ever do lately.

ONE by U2

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
ou got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's Too late Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
ut we're not the same
Well we Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
ou ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One
One

happiness

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do."
– Freya Stark

noise: friend or foe?

i do not want to stop speaking because i fear that silence will force me to listen to the voice inside my head. around the voice are facts to support the truth in my fears. around the facts is my stubbornness. around my stubbornness is my fear of being alone, of not making it on my own. in the end i know i will be forced to be on my own anyway, so why not force myself to heed the voice inside me? ok i've said enough. i think it's time to stop speaking.

me as a person

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart.Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people.You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile. You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker.You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side.Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

my brain's pattern

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is an incubator for good ideas, it just takes a while for them to develop.But when you think of something, watch out!Your thoughts tend to be huge, and they come on quickly - like an explosion.You tend to be quiet around others, unless you're inspired by your next big idea.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

my ideal career

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent.Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic DesignerIllustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

boy, girl, bakla, tomboy

You Are 80% Boyish and 20% Girlish

You have a tough exterior - and usually a tough interior to match it.You're no nonsense, logical, and very assertive.Sometimes you can't understand women at all, even if you're a woman yourself.You see things rationally, and don't like to let your emotions get the best of you.

the 3 question personality test

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

so true!

Your Birthdate: August 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

21 questions

1. why are there girls who throw themselves at a man?
2. why are there men who respond to sleazy come-ons?
3. why don't men ever get enough of women to conquer?
4. why do some women wish to be conquered when they know they're going to be taken for granted afterwards?
5. why can't couples just be happy and stop having problems?
6. why do some women create problems for other women?
7. why are there sluts in this world?
8. why do men concede to these sluts?
9. why must men lie and leave their girlfriends in the dark?
10. why do women feel stupid when they believe their boyfriends?
11. why is the world so cruel to trusting, loyal girlfriends?
12. why do women resort to seduction?
13. why do some women think they're hot when they're not?
14. why are brains and attitude overlooked?
15. why is pussy so important to men?
16. why would a man try to win a woman's heart, so he could break it?
17. why do sluts feel triumphant?
18. why would men want just pussy when they can have decent girlfriends?
19. why do people think this is normal?
20. why do we never resolve these issues?
21. why do i think i can?

31 roses and 3 months later.....

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

It's My Party, and I'll Cry Even I Don't Want To

WHY AM I NOT MY OWN HOSTESS?



why am i not enjoying my cocktails?
why am i expecting a special guest who will never come?
why am i wishing i were in someone else's banquet?
why am i imposing a curfew on myself?
why am i not mingling with the other guests?
why am i losing my appetite?
why am i not dancing to the music?
why am i not having fun?
why am i crying when i'm not yet drunk?
why am i staining my little black dress?
why am i in the corner, fingering my food?
why am i not minding my purse?
why am i offering more than i can afford to feed my guests?
why am i not giving away souvenirs?
why am i not proposing a toast?
why am i feeling like a gate crasher?
why am i not invited to my own party?

too much coffee, or less lovin'?

i had too much coffee today and i'm getting more and more paranoid by the minute.
but i've been feeling apprehensive since i woke up, and i hadn't taken anything yet.
are my assumptions just a product of the absence of time and effort?
and if that's the case, then regardless of my assumptions, i have the right to feel this way.
are my decisions rash and irrational?
am i acting retarded because my period is coming up?
am i just lonely and in need of some good lovin'?
i'm not supposed to be lonely if there's at least one reason to be happy.
ok here i go again.

SOUNDS LIKE ME!

I got this from reiziel, one of my closest college friends.
this is so true for me...

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD '
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! Oh, and before we forget ...

"WHATEVER!!!"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

SINGLE-HANDEDLY HANDLING SINGLE THOUGHTS

Three years ago, I cringed at the conversation that my orgmates had about marriage. Two of them didn't want to ever get married because according to them, marriage was the start of agony in a relationship. Marriages don't ever work out, and they didn't want to end up misearble and unkempt, and find themselves wasting more than half of their lives in a pointless cycle of suffering.

I remember Vickie Miner (played by Janeane Garofalo) in Reality Bites, in her interview with Lelaina Pierce (Winona Ryder) for her independent film, saying that she doesn't want to get married because she doesn't want to end up like her parents. She's especially grossed out at the fact that her mother doesn't close the bathroom door anymore, and her father can see her taking a dump. She wants sparks flying, first kisses, first everything!



I always thought that it was my destiny to get married, have kids and aspire to be the president of the Parent-Teacher Association of Miriam High School. That was how my high school friends envisioned us, having coffee together on Katipunan Avenue and talking about how hardworking our husbands are, and how well our children are doing in school.



After my first relationship, which for the record was very promising of wedding bells, my perspective changed. The break-up hit me in the head and scribbled "LOSER" on my forehead. Nothing is ever final in this world, and therefore I shoudn't be expecting marriage or any long-term promises from any man.



So now I'm one of the realists --- or cynics? ---who choose to live their lives one day at a time, because of the fear that tomorrow, everything will turn out to be the complete opposite of their expectations. So yeah, right now, I'm so afraid of marriage. Not that someone has proposed or talked about it yet. Generally I'm just so scared of the thought of being tied down to something that in the future, I will dislike, get tired of, and get disilluisioned at.

I do not want to go through the drama of husbands and wives.
No lies and deceit, no throwing of furniture, no separation, no goodbyes.



"Marry Me" No Doubt

I can't help that I like to be kissed
And I wouldn't mind if my name changed to Mrs.
This is one side, my conventional side
An attraction to tradition
My vintage disposition
My sincere architecture
And I want to cook him dinner
But I'm more indecisive than ever
And who believes in forever?
Who will be the one to marry me?
A girl in the world barking up the wrong tree
A creature conditioned to employ matrimony
Crumbling continuity, I pick up the pieces
The ceremony makes me zealous
As the past quickly ceases
Fear from being neutered
I'm now prude, now defensive
Quickly I'm altered and tempted by new love only rented
Do you believe you'll marry me?
You might be the one to marry me
Back, looking back, looking back at me
I'm not how I used to be
Take me back, take me back into history
Diamond ring, tie me down just like it used to be
Who will be the one to marry me?
Who will be the one to marry me?

nonsense

We should definitely accept that some things are just not meant for us, but it's also interesting to see how fun or ugly things will get if we continue to deny the truth.

Perhaps my life now is a reality show. how long will zeena endure this? let's find out on the next episode of... Original Zin. Haha ang baduy lang.
But i don't want my life to be a reality show. I want my life to be a party, where everyone is happy and free to come and go. That was my original plan. That was how I wanted to live my life.

Last night I wanted something and I didn't get it, and I resorted to acting like a brat, cajoling someone into doing something, then almost begging. And i silently gave up with a frown and a long long sigh of defeat. Sometimes I just want to slap myself in the face for doing such things. That ain't me. That ain't me at all, dawg!

Maybe I've just been tired the whole week. Now it's a sunshiny Sunday afternoon and I will have coffee alone in a while. Probably invite a friend or two or just listen to good music, or read a magazine, or write in my journal.
And get a pedicure. Wow, this is fun. I should do this at least once a week, have a Zeena day out.

I'm still bothered by last night's incidence.

TRIP ON LOVE Abra Moore

I let my guard down in the momentary lapse of emotion
It just slipped out and we both knew my heart could be broken
I said something I never intended to say, you stopped laughing
And I said do you feel alone in that way?

Do you trip on love?
Do you run from magic?
When you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
If you feel too much, do you start to panic?
When the word comes up, do you trip on love?

I just stood there, and expected another reaction.
Out of thin air came the strangest sense of satisfaction.
Can you tell me how you see me so well?
If you help me would you let me see that part of yourself?

Do you trip on love?
Do you run from magic?
When you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
If you feel too much, do you start to panic?
When the word comes up, do you trip on love?

Where do we go?
Do we say this means less than we know it does?
Please tell me.

Do you trip on love?
Do you run from magic?
When you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
If you feel too much, do you start to panic?
When the word comes up, do you trip on love?

When the word comes up, do you trip on love?
Don't you wanna love me no more?
I just wanna love you some more.

unfunny

last night i didn't want to talk to my boyfriend the whole day because i was pissed!!!
i wanted to get a good night sleep so i decided to hear him out at 12 MN. i thought he would be sorry.
but to my dismay he was laughing at me! at me! for sounding so mad and reacting that way! jerk! i felt like a fool, just there for his amusement. it wasn't funny because i really thought that he would comfort me and reassure me that i was his only girl. i wanted to strangle him with the telephone cord.
but 15minutes into our talk on the phone, i was feeling much better.
god, for a while there i felt like i was trying with all my might to pick a fight with a little boy.
i hope it won't happen again, because it's such a stressful thing to do, fighting. or trying to fight with a man who thinks i'm baloney. but loves me. after all, i'm a girlfriend, not a jester.

MIlan Kundera Quotes

"I find myself fascinating."

"Without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress."

"Eroticism is like a dance. It always leads the other."

"People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It's not true. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past."

"We don't know when our name came into being or how some distant ancestor acquired it. We don't understand our name at all, we don't know its history and yet we bear it with exalted fidelity, we merge it, we like it, we are ridiculously proud of it as if we thought it up ourselves in a moment of brilliant inspiration."

"How goodness heightens beauty!"

"Oh lovers! Be careful in those dangerous first days! Once you've brought breakfast in bed you'll have to bring it forever, unless you want to be accused of lovelessness and betrayal."

flowers for zoe

my sister Zoe.
love her to death.
we have a thirteen-year gap that seems nonexistent
due to her wittiness and maturity that can match and
definitely surpass mine.
she's everything to my mother and me.
she's an angel, a menace, a clown,
a little girl, a foul-mouthed grown up,
an irrelevant person who, by just stating the obvious
in her own amusing way, wins the laughter of many people.
before she wanted to be an SM saleslady.
then she wanted to be a seamstress.
now...she doesn't care about being somebody when she grows up.
she just listens to her favorite CD's: compilations of
the very best and very jologs OPM.
i wake up and see her pad papers all over MY bedside table,
on which lyrics of her favorite songs were written in red ink.
I wake up and see her bobbing her head while enjoying my iPod.
i wake up to find her in my face, commenting on how bad my breath is in the morning.
she banters with my friends.
she knows how to retaliate verbally.



i like the way she became now that she's 10 years old.
unconventional kid with jologsness.
but i miss her when she was still a baby,
reeking of sour milk and vomit.
when she would cry and i would change her nappies.
when i could still carry her, when she was having a hard time saying my name.
when i could put lotsa hair accessories in her hair and she wouldn't
say it's tacky and punch me in the face for looking hideous.

anyway i think i'll be loving her until the day i die,
regardless of what she will become.
probably a rockstar?
a TV star?
a newscaster?
a sports celebrity?
a business tycoon?
a sexy star?
a model?
a comedienne?
a lawyer?
a doctor?
a struggling artist?
a big fat momma? hope not!



FLOWERS FOR ZOE by Lenny Kravitz

Flowers for Zoe
Love for Zoe
Angels and rainbows
All kinds of things you can call your own
Garden for Zoe
And oceans for Zoe
Jungle gym playgrounds
All kinds of things for you to explore
Flowers for Zoe
Love for Zoe
Angels and rainbows
All kinds of things you can call your own
Yeah yeah yeah
God is for Zoe
And heaven's for Zoe
Oh can you believe
That everything is waiting to unfold ?
You can call your own
You can call your own
You can call your own

this is my cdg family

(caricatures courtesy of jel)

eto ang ilan lang sa mga magigiting na miyembro ng creative development group....


at iisa-isahin ko silang lahat! bwahahahaha!

ito si ferry. table at pc niya ang ginagamit ko ngayon.


ito si x, ang head ng cdg. jowa niya si rhoda, senior brainstormer. oks na oks sila. may bago silang diet ngayon. walang kakain, period.


ito si sunny. siya ang nagpapasweldo sa amin. lab ko nga to dahil dun eh. dun lang. haha.


ito si jel, ang gumawa ng mga caricatures na ito, ang head ko, at ang matalik kong kaibigang maaasahan. eto nga knock out si ferry eh. pero nakangiti pa rin. kamusta yun?


ito naman ang napanaginipan niya kagabi.


ito naman si mother lye, isa pang unit head at nanay ng pink putaheras. grabe siya noh? birthday niya kasi to eh.


ito naman yung malaki niyang pagpapanggap na straight siya.


ito naman si nix, isa pa naming head. isang araw, susunugin ko ang cabinet niya para mawala na lang ang mga fabulous finds niya sa ukay. abangan! panuorin niyo rin ang panday. siya yung taong bayan 1. hahaha!


ito naman si lenni. marami ang marami sa kanya. marami siyang chocolates, marami siyang resibo, marami rin siyang votes sa mga favorite conestants niya sa SIAM.


ito si dianne. ang funky but hopeless romantic and extremely religious officemate namin. siya ang girlfriend ni vino, ang dashing debonnaire sa SIAM. o di ba!


ito si maemae. dati siyang cdg pero madalas pa rin siyang dumalaw sa office and war room. lagi siyang hyper and super fun niya kakwentuhan tungkol sa dates. haha! ang tawagan namin, bheng at dhan. dahil kami ang kikay masin!


and me? well, when i'm not sitting pretty, i do yoga!




bow!