Yesterday I ate an enormous amount of corn that sent all the farmers in Asia planting double for the next quarter. I felt terrible last night. And to help “aid” my digestion, I had Milo, a kind of sugar that pretends to be hot chocolate. I felt so bad that I couldn’t control my eating that before I fell asleep I cried so hard. I imagined there was Oprah’s camera next to my bed, and so I made everything even more melodramatic by saying things out loud.

I don’t want to be alone. I eat when I’m alone. I realized that without someone to love I become a monster. And I eat and eat until I cannot feel, and whenever this dreadful feeling comes back I just eat some more. I hate being alone. I can’t be alone.

Things like that. Sorry not a good scriptwriter for reality segments but my feelings were real. To appease myself and divert my attention to something --- anything!!! --- I ended up watching Close To You, which starred John Lloyd Cruz, Bea Alonzo and Sam Milby. I liked it, but it was a bad copy, with shadows of heads (wearing caps) crossing the big screen and laughter and smirks. I also searched YouTube and even danced in my chair. And had a short chat with Colin before I finally allowed him to go to bed and do what he does best.

And then afterwards I resolved to lose weight. Before Guillaume comes back, before I lose my cool, before I turn into someone I can’t recognize in front of the mirror.

And so today I had three liters of water, cereals for breakfast, fresh orange juice, and a banana. And I feel much lighter now.

So no, I’m not on my way to self-destruction. Thank God!