Many times I’ve told myself not to worry about things that have not happened yet. Perhaps I haven’t been praying lately that’s why there are demons in my head that go around, making me sleepless and worried for nothing.
Many of my friends who have experienced worse and have gone through the most unbelievable times --- the reason I heed their advise --- tell me to just enjoy the moment and worry about bad things if and when they happen. And I cannot believe how cynical past events have made me that even enjoying the moment is a huge effort on my part. What more do I want? I’ve got a boyfriend who calls me at least twice a day and asks me how I’ve been, and unexpectedly invites me out when I’m in a slump, and gives me permission to sleep at his place when I want to. And yet I am going out of my mind after just three days of not being with him.
I think paranoia is the most evil feeling in the world. It’s worrying about the non-existent, and preventing you from experiencing happiness at its finest form. There he is, right in front of me, with the most sincere eyes in the world, and yet my mind still holds suspicion and doubt and all the bad things that couldn’t be possible now.
But while paranoia is a malicious way of seeing things, instincts are totally valid. How many times have I felt that something was going to end, and a few moments later watched a wonderful thing fall spectacularly to pieces? And how many times have I kicked myself for gleefully ignoring that voice inside me? How many times have I betrayed my conscience and pursued something which I knew was totally going to go wrong?
So it’s good to be cautious, to bury my head in the clouds but still keep my feet on the ground. It’s good to enjoy and not worry, but draw a line where wisdom ends and foolishness begins. It’s best to give Guillaume the benefit --- not of the doubt, because there is really no reason to doubt him (yet) --- but of being with me and experiencing Zeena, how much I can give him and how much I can take from him without having reservations or false expectations.
Ok I feel much better now.
I don’t know what I was so worried for.
He’s in his flat getting a bad hangover.
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