productivity

I fucked up today.
No, for the last three days.
I have been eating like a pig.
Eating white rice, pork fat, buttery stuff and lots of chocolates and milky biscuits.
I eat when I want to, even when I don’t.
I feel like shit.
I feel like a big scoop of lard walking around.

But as they say, there will always be tomorrow, and you can use it to improve – to correct your mistakes and do better.
I don’t particularly hate myself for eating too much to the point of getting constipated.
I just think I should not have manifested my feelings in hoarding food.

Yes I guess I’ve been lonely for the past few days.
Why? A number of reasons.
I’ve been a coward these past few days.
I want to take one step forward but am a bit hesitant because I am so afraid of criticism.
So afraid.
And I am a little depressed because I had someone analyze my finances and he wasn’t as great as I thought they were.
Finally I am sad because there is a person who’s been giving me the attention and care that I need, but he’s so far away, in Manila. My Manila.

But!!! I didn’t sleep sad last night.
Even though I messed up my diet, I still did a few things to make myself feel better --- an attempt to stop binge eating, binge drinking, binge smoking.
And they ARE pretty great, great enough to cover my loneliness with the blanket of productiveness.

1. I cooked pasta for dinner. I used fresh tomatoes, and with just a glance at the rough recipe on the internet I managed to make it taste like the kind of tomato spaghetti you can have at Fazoli’s. I’m NOT kidding.
2. I finished a whole episode of Nigella Bites, both inspired to make dessert for everyone, and disgusted at how she EATS every dessert she makes. Plus before the show ends she goes to the fridge and naughtily nibbles on the stuff she made. Well I’ll make the fizzy fruity drink anyway. It’s the best dessert I can make. It has sparkling wine in it.
3. I changed my sheets. I really did. After that dream about roaches and itchiness and suffocation I was bound to do it.
4. Read a few pages of A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I want to get engrossed in it and read it until I sleep. The story is proving to be very very interesting.
5. I haven't shelled out a single cent (shall I say fil) for two days. Yes. I've managed to nick cigarettes from people and cook my own food and eat other people’s. It felt so good to be in control of something other than … well, food.
6. I only had three cigarettes today. Cool.

I always feel like compensating for things I haven’t done and I know that to a certain extent it’s not healthy, but it’s good to know that the need to be productive and brilliant is thriving in me. That’s all I need to know that I am living my life the way I want to.