hurt? happy? halt!

THE RAMPANTLY DISCUSSED, MOST DREADED FEELING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
-Neil Gaiman


I will slap you in the face if you tell me that you have never been hurt in your life. Everyone gets hurt, in more ways than one, and this is one reason I think that maybe God is fair, because he made us ALL experience this horrible horrible feeling. Some face it like dignified warriors, some play safe to evade it, and some, after playing around it, find themselves right in front of it, and they have no choice but to face the greatest doom in their lives, when the thing that they do unto others hit them in a splitsecond.

I know hurt, all right. I was acquainted with it at a very young age, and as time rolled around to make me 23 years old, hurt has become my best friend. Too close for comfort. As a child, I was pinched by elders, kicked by a classmate, spanked by my grandmother and bitten by a dog. I had to get anti-tetanus shots, and get tested for rabies. Although it turned out that the dog was clean, I knew the pain was rabid. And it spread inside me, not only throughout my flesh, but somewhere much deeper. Much deeper, until it seeped into every part of my body, such that even words could easily hurt me. People called me names and criticized me for the way I looked or spoke, or dressed. And though it would be easy for me to defend mysef or just go out there and be one of them cool guys, I was too hurt to do anything about it. Yes, hurt can lead to paralysis.

And when I stepped into college, that's when it became full-blown. One person after the other hurt me. Intentionally, unintentionally, verbally, mentally, and they made sure that every cell of my body was aching. After realizing that devastation did not equal death, I resolved to keep myself from getting hurt. Ever. As much as possible.

I'm not a bad person. No, I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't really believe in deliberate revenge. I'd attempted it, and it did not work for me.

Right now I'm just a steady person. Well, trying to be, but getting there. I don't hurt people in order to avoid getting hurt. I simply don't hurt and try not to hurt. And it takes a little more than a prayer to carry on with this journey to inner peace.

I became a desperate people pleaser, who tried to agree with everyone and kiss their asses to avoid arguments.

I became a monster of a lover, transformed myself from naive and all-giving to wise and cold.

I became a "yes-sir, yes-sir" employee who did whatever the boss said. A robot.

Well, I'm not 100% happy with what I'm doing (Oh I SO know that), but maybe by not letting anyone or anything hurt me, I am opening myself to happiness. I've got a sign on my chest that says "NO HURT ALLOWED. HAPPINESS WELCOME." Ok that sounded cheesy and downright tacky. But yes, it's what my chest says!!!

And right now, I consider myself in limbo -- not pained, but not happy. But if I'm not happy yet, what keeps me going through every single day? That question pushed me off my bed one midnight, and I could not sleep until I tried to find an excuse for my new-found philosophy.

What keeps me going if I'm not getting hurt, but not happy yet?

I guess it's the consolation that those who tried to hurt me, regardless of whether they succeeded or not, are not really happy with what they've done.