This is where I wrote my very first blog entry in Dubai. When I walked into this place again after more than a year, the memories were so clear that thinking about them gave me a headache. This is where I met my first friend in a city which I later on learned was as hostile as it was welcoming.

The pressures at work and at home made me think of hibernating here. I will always come back to this place and see my friend whenever I can. Unfortunately, it will soon be occupied by its new owner, and all the things precious and real will gradually fade as new memories are made here, memories that do not mean anything to me.

I feel that it is unfair to just run away and hide from everything. Eventually I will have to face my present problems. But for now, I want to cherish everything about this place, to feel how I felt when I first arrived here, to have the consolation I can't find anywhere else.

I am annoyed at myself for being like this. But seemingly happy people like me need this time to be alone and think. I hope to get out of this slump as soon as possible, but if I don't, I will forgive myself.

SO help me God.

I got an email from Cookie and it was all I needed to brighten my day.
Cookie is one of my friends who tell it like it is. Nothing is too complicated or hard for her, because she always goes back to basics, and I'm glad she reminded me of MY fundamentals. There is really no problem that I cannot solve. I'm great, I'm a kickass gigolo pretending to be a girl. I'm worried that I might be losing my luster in an environment that doesn't encourage much creativity. In Manila, being surrounded by a bunch of sinful creatures made me think out of the box, made me witty and smart and inspired. I don't think there's much room for that here. I mean there's literally no room for me here. In thirty days we need to move out. I know I don't make much sense and this doesn't qualify as a blog entry, but this is how I feel. Sue me.

PS I watched Evan Almighty last night and aside form getting a stomach ache from laughing too hard, I realized how God gives us opportunities to get what we wish for. And everyday I think I'm going through the motions, but each challenge, each action, each destination is really an opportunity for me. What kind, I would never know, but I know that something wonderful will happen. Soon. Don't ask me when.

If there is one thing I need to learn more, it would be crisis management.
Things happen at once and my world stops faster than you can say "wimp".

We are being asked to move out because according to the landlord we are not a family. Never mind the fact that we are the only Filipinos in the building.
And then a couple of giant zits appear on my fat cheeks out of nowhere, just when I desperately need clear skin for work.
And finally, the icing on the cake, my precious phone is showing signs of disdain towards me and deliberately hangs when I'm about to reply to a potential date.

What a fun life.

Ethel reminded me how much of a worry wart I was and I absolutely agreed with her. I know that I will spend the rest of my life fighting fear, that is inevitable, but I should really take one step forward and at least face the music rather than watch a bunch of DVDs to kill time. Or buy some. Or stop it altogether.

I feel that I am the most unfortunate girl in town, and I know I shouldn't, but a few hassles in life happening during my time of the month are too much. Under normal circumstances I would just get a fucking haircut, ugly or otherwise just to have some distraction. Or I would buy myself a nice dress. But part of the problem is, I am broke. I am stingy and I am broke, so that leaves me with... uh let me guess.... zero balance.

I am finally getting a bank account, finally finally finally. I hope to high heavens that it will not be empty soon, and that I will slowly get out of this financial, emotional, mental, celestial and olfactory slump I am in.

Let me smile again, get the stink out of my life again, be a normal person again without anything to worry about. Of course that is not possible in this lifetime, which brings me back to my need of crisis management skills.

I haven't really resolved anything by writing it out, have I?

Well I hope you read this and realized how lucky you are.

Ciao.

Which Office Character Are You?
	You are part Michael. Deep down, you are caring and good-natured, but you often express yourself in insensitive ways. Though you always try your hardest to make your talents be seen, you could use a little more self-awareness to avoid being awkward.
	You are part Jim. You are personable, easy-going, and always socially aware. Your great sense of humor and impishness soften the blow of what might otherwise be a dark, cutting cynicism.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

25

I had such a fun time today.
My friends came over for lunch.
Obet cooked.
Then we all went to Hibiki to sing.
And I sang the songs I wanted to sing, not the ones I thought people would appreciate.
Because whether I admit it not, I'd be lying if I said I'd been singing what I wanted for the past couple of months at the karaoke bar.
I guess I wanted to sound good, and with that attitude the fun would stop.
So I decided to raise hell with a song called What's Up by 4Non Blondes.
Didn't care if I sounded like an old hag trying to do country.
Oh well I am an old hag. At least I feel like one.

I am 25. Pretty young if you ask me.
It's just that there are a few things that pushed me to be scared of growing old.
Aging. Aging is the word.
I would hate to see the day when my breasts aim for the floor and my wrinkles are tree branches embossed on my face.
I would hate to see my libido go, my zealous take on life take a backseat, and my love for single life turn into a big desperate call for help in the love department.

There. Now I can sleep peacefully. Good night.

Quote of the Day

"The Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn't count; building arks does."
– Warren Buffett

Interesting weekend.

In two days I lost my phone and I realized I misplaced my passport.

I am tired.

When one's birthday rolls around, situations create themselves to test the celebrant.

In my case, fate is probably fed up with me and telling me to grow up and be less of a ditz.

Or maybe I am just thinking that it's hard to lose things, the things that are supposed to make up my identity. Passport, phone. I'm thinking I can't function without them.

The truth is though, these are the times that test my real identity. Me stripped of the means to communicate with everyone else and proof of the validity of my existence in a foreign place. How I deal with these petty losses will help me make up my opinion of myself, rather than rely on material things that dictate who I am. I am more than a green booklet and a mobile phone. I am a person who is capable of reacting to tough situations with sound solutions. I can handle this.

Just don't let me lose this computer.

My Wish List

It took the help of three high school classmates for me to make an email account. I only found out the benefits of the internet when I was in college. I'm the kind of person who doesn't back up, renew anti-virus programs or know how to send a file via blue tooth. I still have a journal, apart from this blog that I painstakingly created two years ago in Manila. Even the word techie seems new to me, even though I've been hearing people use it all the time for years. I want to gradually make my way into the 21st century and kill my ignorance. And what better way to do that than have wish list made up of techie stuff? You might think that the following gadgets are ancient, but they are new to me and I find it absurd to purchase them myself. Save me from this quicksand of technology cluelessness and graciously consider buying them for me.

Please.

1. A flash drive. Preferrably 2 GB. I don't even know if that's what you call it, but I need it as soon as possible. It's enough to store all my files in my laptop, which I I have a feeling will give up any given minute.

2. A better wifi detector. Or is it adaptor? Find out. You see, my laptop is tired and old, and I'm the only person in the flat with crappy internet connection. As I write this, this ugly thing is blinking rapidly, desperately searching for connection. So figure out what this thing is called and give it to me on my birthday.

3. A memory stick for my phone. I believe it can take as much as 1 GB and sooner or later I will have to use it, with all the pictures and songs I plan to store in my mobile phone.

4. A digital camera. I want a digital camera. Needless to say, I am a picture monster and I need to document every single drunken minute of my karaoke life. Plus it will be useful for work.

5. My battery-operated friend Totoy. I left him at the airport for fear that it might get confiscated. I left it with Kath, and I hope she will take good care of it. It's my very own version of the Tamagochi. It kept me company, but never hurt me. It didn't bite, didn't require any form of care, and was ever-dependable. I am not crazy enough to ask anyone to give me a new friend, because Totoy will always be Totoy. But if they give me a new one I already have a name for him: Bruno.

This is a tough time for me.
I think turning 25 sucks and I don't have the ability to turn back time.
Turn back time. Aqua and I have got to have a chat over beer.
Gone are the days when dancing and singing were all I cared about.
Now I have to make sure I am going somewhere, and I have to get there fast.
Or else time will pass me by and I would never be able to tell what went wrong.

I have TROUBLED TWENTY SOMETHING written all over my forehead.
But I can still smile, no worries.
I can still laugh, no biggie.
I can still work hard enough to get a pay check that pays my bills and feeds me.
it's not much but it's what I have for now and what I have for now matters.

I'm going to bed.

(Not to hell.)

I want to be here.

I hate myself for thinking too much.
These days I find myself wondering why I love this industry so much.
I could just be selling cars or weaving abaca baskets.
Why do I love the filth, the politics, the crazy shit I have to go through in order to put up every bulletin?

I tried other jobs. I was a call center agent, I was a receptionist, I was a small-time entrepreneur. They left me dry and desperate and incredibly lonely, like I was on my way to hell and the only thing that could save me was a job in TV.
Even an active dating life wouldn't make me smile. Not quite.

Now I have a job that doesn't pay much, with no boundaries in responsibilities, and doesn't pay me for extra hours, but I am willing to stay just to see if the ship will sink, continue to float aimlessly, or finally get where the captain wants to go.

And the only time I will stop is when I've had enough of it. Or when they say "Zeena, you suck at your job, go tend sheep or wipe old people's asses." I have so many things to discover, so many things to learn, so many things to do before I can finally say that I am ready to quit this shit.

I want this.
I want this.
I want this.

Mother, who am I?

Hello God!

Before going out on a date this evening I had a brief online chat with one of my aunts. It was a short but very meaningful conversation, something that lingered on my mind even after we logged off. She advised me to keep on praying and not do anything she won't be proud of. So I was putting my gypsy outfit and applying the usual shades of make up on my big fat face until my date came to pick me up, and I was still thinking about what she said. It was so simple, just commonsense really, but nevertheless it was the kind of thing I forget the most, so it was refreshing to have someone remind me about it, someone I truly trust.

I carried on with my date, and over three courses of fondue, we got around to talking about religion. On dates, I had always hidden the fact that my family, although never always together, prays together. I didn't quite like being thought of as a church girl or a Jesus fanatic. However this evening it was different. He said he was an agnostic, and under normal circumstances the talk about religion would just end with me nodding my head submissively. But I actually went the other direction, and I am so happy to have finally said it --- I love my God. I love Him for the world. I don't know if his name is really Jesus, or if he has a beard, or if he can really save my life, but I know that he listens to me, because when I turn to Him, I always end up feeling better and empowered. He is my God and no one else's. He's the kind of friend who doesn't really answer me but I can feel his support in so many levels. And towards the end of my little speech, as the chocolate fondue hardened, my date flashed a bright smile of genuine acceptance.

We went for a walk and talked about other things, like rock pools and water beds and the Moulin Rouge and Bawadi and desalination plants. We didn't go back to religion, but my faith stayed where it was. I may not be the kind of person who shows how I worship my God, but I truly do and I want to explore our relationship rather than start one with a horny earthling. I'm not talking about my date, just men in general.

So anyway he took me home, and we thanked each other the nice dinner and conversation, we said good night, and I said hello to my God. I'm back on track and I'll try not to lose my way again.