Here's a list of aaaawesome things I've done (or been doing) in Dubai so far.
You can call them rubbish. I call them accomplishments.
A real boost to my sore ego.
1. A monologue at the Philippine Independence Day
2. Varicose veins treatment
3. Weekend karaoke, VIP treatment
4. Dated a guy who said goodbye in a text message (that's awesome, everyone has to experience that at least once in their lives. it makes you stronger. literally. i can now lift a 5 galon water bottle and slam it into the water dispenser without injuring myself.)
5. Voice a police report on a news program
6. Poop in a mall
7. Dance with a stripper
8. Buy a lunch bag. I've never bought a lunch bag in Manila.
9. Ignore PMS. No one's gonna save me from it, so might as well act as if it's not there. And voila, I feel 100 times more miserable.
10. Moving out. I need to save money. It may well be the hardest thing I've had to do here, because change stresses me out and makes my hair fall off. And this is some major change.
Ok hope to add a few more thing to this list in the near future.
Foward, always forward.
Friday, June 29, 2007
not guilty
Very very tiring weekend. June is killing me. Good thing it's ending on the weekend, then I can face July with vigor and ... um, freshness.
I am going to miss this house and I can't stress that enough. Last night my friends were here for Eve's shower party. There were naughty games, and a cute male stripper. I tried to be as quiet as possible, closed the window curtains and turned off the lights and kept everyone under control. I thought Colin's friend Mal was asleep, so I thought closing the door to the hall upstairs was enough to give him peace and quiet. But no, it turned out he was out and was just coming home when we were at the peak of partying, and he just had to walk in on me dancing with the stripper. Why was it me, at that particular minute? I didn't want him to think I was tarting around because I really wasn't, that's just what girls do at bridal showers, and this was my FIRST time to attend one. Anyway it was kind of him to congratulate Eve and go straight to bed.
I woke up this morning at 10 and went straight to watch episodes of The Office. Coincidentally there was an episode with a bridal shower and a stag party, and I guess it doesn't help that Mal walked in on me watching a female stripper dance for Steve Carell. The worse thing was, I acted guilty even when I wasn't. But he is a nice guy, like all of Colin's friends and I'm sure he won't take it against me. Hey, I showed him where the detergent was and I gave him advice on throwing out the garbage.
Oh hell. Can June just end.
I am going to miss this house and I can't stress that enough. Last night my friends were here for Eve's shower party. There were naughty games, and a cute male stripper. I tried to be as quiet as possible, closed the window curtains and turned off the lights and kept everyone under control. I thought Colin's friend Mal was asleep, so I thought closing the door to the hall upstairs was enough to give him peace and quiet. But no, it turned out he was out and was just coming home when we were at the peak of partying, and he just had to walk in on me dancing with the stripper. Why was it me, at that particular minute? I didn't want him to think I was tarting around because I really wasn't, that's just what girls do at bridal showers, and this was my FIRST time to attend one. Anyway it was kind of him to congratulate Eve and go straight to bed.
I woke up this morning at 10 and went straight to watch episodes of The Office. Coincidentally there was an episode with a bridal shower and a stag party, and I guess it doesn't help that Mal walked in on me watching a female stripper dance for Steve Carell. The worse thing was, I acted guilty even when I wasn't. But he is a nice guy, like all of Colin's friends and I'm sure he won't take it against me. Hey, I showed him where the detergent was and I gave him advice on throwing out the garbage.
Oh hell. Can June just end.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
three shits
Last Tuesday I had dinner with Mike, my ex-flatmate. It was our first time to really catch up and I had a nice time with him. We talked about his love life, and I asked him about his plans to salvage it (or kill it), and my love life, which sounded silly after hearing about his heart break. Mine sounded like a scene from Flames. His sounded like a smashing Hollywood hit that can move people to tears. It may even involve gunfire and a big scandal at an airport or something.
We got tired of talking about THAT aspect of our lives and so we moved on to religion, which wasn’t so bad. I told him my mother sent me a Bible, and I started reading it and it slowly made my nightmares go away. But that didn’t stop me from creating my own nightmares, and they’re worse because I have to deal with them every waking minute of my life. I hope they stop though. I have to stop first, I guess.
I am also very apprehensive about moving out, and nobody knows this but it’s been bothering me and it’s been on my mind for days and nights. I will miss my room and I will miss everyone who ever lived in that villa (from Colin onwards of course). And I will miss Sheikh Zayed and Dyafah and Crowne Plaza .
Also I think I have a lot of issues that I cannot share with anyone else, and I feel so heavy keeping them inside me. I am ashamed, discontented, out of control and a lot more. IT doesn’t help that I haven’t been talking to my mother for a very long time. More than a week now I think. More than two. Hearing her voice always gives me comfort and strength, two things I need more than anything else. Not even a date with a nice guy would do. No no no.
The good news is, I am very optimistic about my future. God always manages to pull me out of a slump by sending someone to tell me some fabulous news. So it’s always like shit shit shit, yahoo! That’s the formula, to put it in very basic terms. Things get screwed up three times, and just when I am expecting a fourth fuck-up, things fall into place. This morning I had my yahoo already, and with a little help from friends and some episodes of The Office, I’m so ready for the three shits.
Three shits anyone!
We got tired of talking about THAT aspect of our lives and so we moved on to religion, which wasn’t so bad. I told him my mother sent me a Bible, and I started reading it and it slowly made my nightmares go away. But that didn’t stop me from creating my own nightmares, and they’re worse because I have to deal with them every waking minute of my life. I hope they stop though. I have to stop first, I guess.
I am also very apprehensive about moving out, and nobody knows this but it’s been bothering me and it’s been on my mind for days and nights. I will miss my room and I will miss everyone who ever lived in that villa (from Colin onwards of course). And I will miss Sheikh Zayed and Dyafah and Crowne Plaza .
Also I think I have a lot of issues that I cannot share with anyone else, and I feel so heavy keeping them inside me. I am ashamed, discontented, out of control and a lot more. IT doesn’t help that I haven’t been talking to my mother for a very long time. More than a week now I think. More than two. Hearing her voice always gives me comfort and strength, two things I need more than anything else. Not even a date with a nice guy would do. No no no.
The good news is, I am very optimistic about my future. God always manages to pull me out of a slump by sending someone to tell me some fabulous news. So it’s always like shit shit shit, yahoo! That’s the formula, to put it in very basic terms. Things get screwed up three times, and just when I am expecting a fourth fuck-up, things fall into place. This morning I had my yahoo already, and with a little help from friends and some episodes of The Office, I’m so ready for the three shits.
Three shits anyone!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
awful
I feel terrible.
I figured it’s because today I have made a very hard decision and it breaks my heart.
I have decided to move out. I love the villa, its location and Colin and Carolynn and other people who lived in it, and I have gotten along with them and they’ve been my family.
But if I stayed there I wouldn’t have any savings. I suppose I can still visit them all.
I suppose I can still drop by and say hi and eat their leftovers.
I will miss my usual place in the internet café (dining table), and the way I never move for hours just going on the internet.
I will miss having wine with them and having one of those special dinners.
I will miss the bath tub and my time alone.
I know that it will be great moving in with Sherry and Ethel, because they’re friends and it’s much cheaper and the place is just five minutes away from work.
And of course I love them and I am thankful that they are making sense of the things I do, because at this point in my life I don’t have time to stop and think about anything.
Work just sucks up all my energy.
Anyway I am not very good with goodbyes.
Not when Greg said goodbye to the business team, or when I said goodbye to my former colleagues in Manila , or when people said goodbye to me in the past.
I hate hate hate goodbyes, but they are always there and I cannot avoid them.
God has a funny way of toughing me up.
He gets a handful of people to say goodbye to me at the same time, and forces me to say goodbye to people important to me, so I can get used to saying that awful word.
Well I don’t think I will, but thanks for trying, God.
I figured it’s because today I have made a very hard decision and it breaks my heart.
I have decided to move out. I love the villa, its location and Colin and Carolynn and other people who lived in it, and I have gotten along with them and they’ve been my family.
But if I stayed there I wouldn’t have any savings. I suppose I can still visit them all.
I suppose I can still drop by and say hi and eat their leftovers.
I will miss my usual place in the internet café (dining table), and the way I never move for hours just going on the internet.
I will miss having wine with them and having one of those special dinners.
I will miss the bath tub and my time alone.
I know that it will be great moving in with Sherry and Ethel, because they’re friends and it’s much cheaper and the place is just five minutes away from work.
And of course I love them and I am thankful that they are making sense of the things I do, because at this point in my life I don’t have time to stop and think about anything.
Work just sucks up all my energy.
Anyway I am not very good with goodbyes.
Not when Greg said goodbye to the business team, or when I said goodbye to my former colleagues in Manila , or when people said goodbye to me in the past.
I hate hate hate goodbyes, but they are always there and I cannot avoid them.
God has a funny way of toughing me up.
He gets a handful of people to say goodbye to me at the same time, and forces me to say goodbye to people important to me, so I can get used to saying that awful word.
Well I don’t think I will, but thanks for trying, God.
Monday, June 18, 2007
random day off, random thoughts
I took a random day off today.
Well, not too random.
I am sick. I have a bad cold and it will get worse later.
And unlike all the other weekdays of my life, I don't plan to be productive today.
No way.
Let's see.... so far I've made an egg sandwich, looked at some family pictures on the internet, and convinced myself that I shouldn't feel guilty for not giving my father money. I reminded myself that I didn't have any as well.
And then I got to day dreaming.
I love day dreaming. Not about things like dishes rinsing themselves, or JLo lending me her body for a couple of until I could fix my own.
Things like Mama, Zoe and me traveling together. To anywhere.
Eating ice cream on a hot summer day somewhere in Asia.
Dunno. My what used to be brilliant imagination diminished into a speck of dirt on the face of Dubai. I don't know. There's something about this place that makes me feel I'm not good enough, until some kind soul tells me otherwise.
Thank God there are kind souls here. Maybe to replace bas friends in the past.
Well, not too random.
I am sick. I have a bad cold and it will get worse later.
And unlike all the other weekdays of my life, I don't plan to be productive today.
No way.
Let's see.... so far I've made an egg sandwich, looked at some family pictures on the internet, and convinced myself that I shouldn't feel guilty for not giving my father money. I reminded myself that I didn't have any as well.
And then I got to day dreaming.
I love day dreaming. Not about things like dishes rinsing themselves, or JLo lending me her body for a couple of until I could fix my own.
Things like Mama, Zoe and me traveling together. To anywhere.
Eating ice cream on a hot summer day somewhere in Asia.
Dunno. My what used to be brilliant imagination diminished into a speck of dirt on the face of Dubai. I don't know. There's something about this place that makes me feel I'm not good enough, until some kind soul tells me otherwise.
Thank God there are kind souls here. Maybe to replace bas friends in the past.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
another one about racism
I have been watching videos about racism in Eurpoe and the US.
I can't seem to understand what some people's reasons are for being racists, for hating a fellow human being just because of the color of his skin.
Not only hating, but harming them. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
I had a chat with a friend a few weeks ago and he told me that a few years ago, he had a falling out with an American friend who ruined his reputation and his life essentially. As a consequence his confidence diminished and he now stutters when he talks to native English speakers. Hmmm. I suppose the similar thing happened to me. I was so full of hope when I first went here, only to find out that racism was still alive, and it looks like it's here to stay.
In restaurants, in parking lots, in malls. I just recently attended a formal gathering where I was the only brown person in the room. I felt a bit uneasy and went home immediately.
I am pretty sure that when I finally learned how the world goes round here in Dubai, I lost something that I can only regain when the situation changes. Thank God I have not lost hope yet, and that's a huge thing. It means I can still look forward to better days. I can still find reason to wake up and allow myself to dream.
I feel like all the confidence I gained where I come from is lost and will never be found. I just need to start again and see what happens.
Either way, failure is not an option. Fuck fear. Forward, always forward.
I can't seem to understand what some people's reasons are for being racists, for hating a fellow human being just because of the color of his skin.
Not only hating, but harming them. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
I had a chat with a friend a few weeks ago and he told me that a few years ago, he had a falling out with an American friend who ruined his reputation and his life essentially. As a consequence his confidence diminished and he now stutters when he talks to native English speakers. Hmmm. I suppose the similar thing happened to me. I was so full of hope when I first went here, only to find out that racism was still alive, and it looks like it's here to stay.
In restaurants, in parking lots, in malls. I just recently attended a formal gathering where I was the only brown person in the room. I felt a bit uneasy and went home immediately.
I am pretty sure that when I finally learned how the world goes round here in Dubai, I lost something that I can only regain when the situation changes. Thank God I have not lost hope yet, and that's a huge thing. It means I can still look forward to better days. I can still find reason to wake up and allow myself to dream.
I feel like all the confidence I gained where I come from is lost and will never be found. I just need to start again and see what happens.
Either way, failure is not an option. Fuck fear. Forward, always forward.
Quote of the Day
"To change one's life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions."
– William James
– William James
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
good things
Bad day today. The universe decided to go against me.
But as aI wallowed in self-pity I desperately tried to find something good about today. There must be at least one thing that kept me from dropping dead.
Turned out, there was more than one. I decided that it's all up to me to turn even the most trivial thing into a heart-warming experience.
Well, there's my producer telling me I did a good job.
And then there's the happy ride home with mother Anton. Never mind that he dropped me off in the middle of two green lights and I struggled to run for my life.
Well, I survived and that's a good thing.
And then there was the nice chat with Colin. It's been a long time since I've taken the time to ask him how he's doing, so this is quite a special evening.
And then there's this blog entry. I accidentally deleted everything I had written, but realized that Blogger has an autosave feature. That's another good thing.
And the greatest thing of all. . . I'm still alive after this fucking hell of a day. Tomorrow will be much better.
But as aI wallowed in self-pity I desperately tried to find something good about today. There must be at least one thing that kept me from dropping dead.
Turned out, there was more than one. I decided that it's all up to me to turn even the most trivial thing into a heart-warming experience.
Well, there's my producer telling me I did a good job.
And then there's the happy ride home with mother Anton. Never mind that he dropped me off in the middle of two green lights and I struggled to run for my life.
Well, I survived and that's a good thing.
And then there was the nice chat with Colin. It's been a long time since I've taken the time to ask him how he's doing, so this is quite a special evening.
And then there's this blog entry. I accidentally deleted everything I had written, but realized that Blogger has an autosave feature. That's another good thing.
And the greatest thing of all. . . I'm still alive after this fucking hell of a day. Tomorrow will be much better.
Monday, June 11, 2007
One whole week of non stop working. Working to forget, working to remember, working to block off everything that I should be thinking about. So far I've been having fun with my friends and meeting new people.
There's one very interesting person I recently met and had dinner with. He dresses like someone from the Vaudeville era. He opens doors for me and stands up when I stand up. I'm super all right with chivalry but the white long-sleeved shirt and grey vest --- that was over the top and it made me embarrassed. Or maybe I deserved that kind of treatment and I should have been proud of it. Oh well. Either way I didn't quite like his Charlie Chaplin outfit on an easy Friday evening, especially when he had the potential to look like Hugh Grant. At least on one of Hugh's bad days.
There's one very interesting person I recently met and had dinner with. He dresses like someone from the Vaudeville era. He opens doors for me and stands up when I stand up. I'm super all right with chivalry but the white long-sleeved shirt and grey vest --- that was over the top and it made me embarrassed. Or maybe I deserved that kind of treatment and I should have been proud of it. Oh well. Either way I didn't quite like his Charlie Chaplin outfit on an easy Friday evening, especially when he had the potential to look like Hugh Grant. At least on one of Hugh's bad days.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Zoe is Now A Lady
Can't get over that fact, but I'm happy that she's grown to be a pretty young lady. I hope she stays that way.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Quote of the Day
"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."
– Isak Denison
Thursday, June 07, 2007
this man
He asked me to dance with him and I agreed. Jumped out of my seat giddily and boogied with him. I danced and grabbed his dorky ruffles, and he caught me with his cane every time I was about to tumble down. I must have stepped on his feet at least four times before finally trying to retreat back to my chair, where I belonged and should be gulping down bullfrogs for the rest of the night. But then he asked me to dance again, for the second, third, fourth time. In all my drunken glory I yelled “I’m such a lousy dancer!” against the music and the people’s cheers. And then as he walked me back to my chair, he kissed my hand and said, “It’s always the man’s fault for not leading the woman.” If that’s how he thinks, I think I might like him. A lot.
But there are flaws to this man, I bet. There better be a catch. Maybe he has eight toes, and that explains why he has superb balance when dancing. Or maybe he's epileptic. Or has irritable bowel syndrome. Or worst of all, maybe he's just like all the "normal" guys I have met in Dubai. Yikes. That's scary.
But there are flaws to this man, I bet. There better be a catch. Maybe he has eight toes, and that explains why he has superb balance when dancing. Or maybe he's epileptic. Or has irritable bowel syndrome. Or worst of all, maybe he's just like all the "normal" guys I have met in Dubai. Yikes. That's scary.
changes
It's been days since I've started to realize that there will be major changes at work, at home at with my family back in Manila. And it's not easy for me to take this in stride. I usually ignore changes until they eat me alive, but at this point in my life I think I have to face them. And adjust to them. As gracefully as I can. Zeena is my name, seamless transition is my aim. Yuck where did that come from.
I've always beleived that change will do me good, as Sheryl Crow sang. And there are no buts or ifs. If I don't embrace change, it will haunt me, and I can tell it won't be pretty.
I've always beleived that change will do me good, as Sheryl Crow sang. And there are no buts or ifs. If I don't embrace change, it will haunt me, and I can tell it won't be pretty.
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