i always don't know

i'm apprehensive
when will my party end?
it has just started
i let in a special friend
it's complicated
i'm supposed to celebrate
but he's right outside
is he staying or not?
i don't know

i'm an angel
smiling at his apathy
i'm a devil
ruining myself for free
the clock is ticking
is there something i can do about it?
what about him?
should he be doing something?
i don't know

i always don't know
i always don't know
why i open my door and let him in
i always don't know
i always don't know
how i end up getting locked out

for the record, i didn't ask for this
all i wanted was to know his name
and give him a kiss
i didn't think that there was something else
he wanted to say
so i listened
did he mean it or not?
i don't know
i don't know

the dawn is breaking
i'm still intoxicated by this
can't stop thinking
and i'm getting really dizzy and pissed
has he left
for another party i don't know of?
perhaps he stayed?
should i be searching the place?
i don't know
i don't know

midnight madness

• hi there, i'm here inside fifi's office at ABS CBN. she's so busy trying to get "direk" to ready the "floorlight". haha, production jargon!
• in two hours i will take a bus to batangas with my officemates and head for galera, where we will party and stay awake for four straight days.
• i don't have much money with me. maybe i will thrive on leftover food or just graze on galera grass.
• maybe i will not eat at all, so i will lose 10 pounds in four days.
• or maybe i will eat my fingers so i can stop texting, because it's all i ever do lately.

ONE by U2

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
ou got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's Too late Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
ut we're not the same
Well we Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
ou ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One
One

happiness

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do."
– Freya Stark

noise: friend or foe?

i do not want to stop speaking because i fear that silence will force me to listen to the voice inside my head. around the voice are facts to support the truth in my fears. around the facts is my stubbornness. around my stubbornness is my fear of being alone, of not making it on my own. in the end i know i will be forced to be on my own anyway, so why not force myself to heed the voice inside me? ok i've said enough. i think it's time to stop speaking.

me as a person

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart.Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people.You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile. You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker.You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side.Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

my brain's pattern

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is an incubator for good ideas, it just takes a while for them to develop.But when you think of something, watch out!Your thoughts tend to be huge, and they come on quickly - like an explosion.You tend to be quiet around others, unless you're inspired by your next big idea.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

my ideal career

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent.Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic DesignerIllustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

boy, girl, bakla, tomboy

You Are 80% Boyish and 20% Girlish

You have a tough exterior - and usually a tough interior to match it.You're no nonsense, logical, and very assertive.Sometimes you can't understand women at all, even if you're a woman yourself.You see things rationally, and don't like to let your emotions get the best of you.

the 3 question personality test

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

so true!

Your Birthdate: August 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

21 questions

1. why are there girls who throw themselves at a man?
2. why are there men who respond to sleazy come-ons?
3. why don't men ever get enough of women to conquer?
4. why do some women wish to be conquered when they know they're going to be taken for granted afterwards?
5. why can't couples just be happy and stop having problems?
6. why do some women create problems for other women?
7. why are there sluts in this world?
8. why do men concede to these sluts?
9. why must men lie and leave their girlfriends in the dark?
10. why do women feel stupid when they believe their boyfriends?
11. why is the world so cruel to trusting, loyal girlfriends?
12. why do women resort to seduction?
13. why do some women think they're hot when they're not?
14. why are brains and attitude overlooked?
15. why is pussy so important to men?
16. why would a man try to win a woman's heart, so he could break it?
17. why do sluts feel triumphant?
18. why would men want just pussy when they can have decent girlfriends?
19. why do people think this is normal?
20. why do we never resolve these issues?
21. why do i think i can?

31 roses and 3 months later.....

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It's My Party, and I'll Cry Even I Don't Want To

WHY AM I NOT MY OWN HOSTESS?



why am i not enjoying my cocktails?
why am i expecting a special guest who will never come?
why am i wishing i were in someone else's banquet?
why am i imposing a curfew on myself?
why am i not mingling with the other guests?
why am i losing my appetite?
why am i not dancing to the music?
why am i not having fun?
why am i crying when i'm not yet drunk?
why am i staining my little black dress?
why am i in the corner, fingering my food?
why am i not minding my purse?
why am i offering more than i can afford to feed my guests?
why am i not giving away souvenirs?
why am i not proposing a toast?
why am i feeling like a gate crasher?
why am i not invited to my own party?

too much coffee, or less lovin'?

i had too much coffee today and i'm getting more and more paranoid by the minute.
but i've been feeling apprehensive since i woke up, and i hadn't taken anything yet.
are my assumptions just a product of the absence of time and effort?
and if that's the case, then regardless of my assumptions, i have the right to feel this way.
are my decisions rash and irrational?
am i acting retarded because my period is coming up?
am i just lonely and in need of some good lovin'?
i'm not supposed to be lonely if there's at least one reason to be happy.
ok here i go again.

SOUNDS LIKE ME!

I got this from reiziel, one of my closest college friends.
this is so true for me...

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD '
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! Oh, and before we forget ...

"WHATEVER!!!"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

SINGLE-HANDEDLY HANDLING SINGLE THOUGHTS

Three years ago, I cringed at the conversation that my orgmates had about marriage. Two of them didn't want to ever get married because according to them, marriage was the start of agony in a relationship. Marriages don't ever work out, and they didn't want to end up misearble and unkempt, and find themselves wasting more than half of their lives in a pointless cycle of suffering.

I remember Vickie Miner (played by Janeane Garofalo) in Reality Bites, in her interview with Lelaina Pierce (Winona Ryder) for her independent film, saying that she doesn't want to get married because she doesn't want to end up like her parents. She's especially grossed out at the fact that her mother doesn't close the bathroom door anymore, and her father can see her taking a dump. She wants sparks flying, first kisses, first everything!



I always thought that it was my destiny to get married, have kids and aspire to be the president of the Parent-Teacher Association of Miriam High School. That was how my high school friends envisioned us, having coffee together on Katipunan Avenue and talking about how hardworking our husbands are, and how well our children are doing in school.



After my first relationship, which for the record was very promising of wedding bells, my perspective changed. The break-up hit me in the head and scribbled "LOSER" on my forehead. Nothing is ever final in this world, and therefore I shoudn't be expecting marriage or any long-term promises from any man.



So now I'm one of the realists --- or cynics? ---who choose to live their lives one day at a time, because of the fear that tomorrow, everything will turn out to be the complete opposite of their expectations. So yeah, right now, I'm so afraid of marriage. Not that someone has proposed or talked about it yet. Generally I'm just so scared of the thought of being tied down to something that in the future, I will dislike, get tired of, and get disilluisioned at.

I do not want to go through the drama of husbands and wives.
No lies and deceit, no throwing of furniture, no separation, no goodbyes.



"Marry Me" No Doubt

I can't help that I like to be kissed
And I wouldn't mind if my name changed to Mrs.
This is one side, my conventional side
An attraction to tradition
My vintage disposition
My sincere architecture
And I want to cook him dinner
But I'm more indecisive than ever
And who believes in forever?
Who will be the one to marry me?
A girl in the world barking up the wrong tree
A creature conditioned to employ matrimony
Crumbling continuity, I pick up the pieces
The ceremony makes me zealous
As the past quickly ceases
Fear from being neutered
I'm now prude, now defensive
Quickly I'm altered and tempted by new love only rented
Do you believe you'll marry me?
You might be the one to marry me
Back, looking back, looking back at me
I'm not how I used to be
Take me back, take me back into history
Diamond ring, tie me down just like it used to be
Who will be the one to marry me?
Who will be the one to marry me?

nonsense

We should definitely accept that some things are just not meant for us, but it's also interesting to see how fun or ugly things will get if we continue to deny the truth.

Perhaps my life now is a reality show. how long will zeena endure this? let's find out on the next episode of... Original Zin. Haha ang baduy lang.
But i don't want my life to be a reality show. I want my life to be a party, where everyone is happy and free to come and go. That was my original plan. That was how I wanted to live my life.

Last night I wanted something and I didn't get it, and I resorted to acting like a brat, cajoling someone into doing something, then almost begging. And i silently gave up with a frown and a long long sigh of defeat. Sometimes I just want to slap myself in the face for doing such things. That ain't me. That ain't me at all, dawg!

Maybe I've just been tired the whole week. Now it's a sunshiny Sunday afternoon and I will have coffee alone in a while. Probably invite a friend or two or just listen to good music, or read a magazine, or write in my journal.
And get a pedicure. Wow, this is fun. I should do this at least once a week, have a Zeena day out.

I'm still bothered by last night's incidence.

TRIP ON LOVE Abra Moore

I let my guard down in the momentary lapse of emotion
It just slipped out and we both knew my heart could be broken
I said something I never intended to say, you stopped laughing
And I said do you feel alone in that way?

Do you trip on love?
Do you run from magic?
When you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
If you feel too much, do you start to panic?
When the word comes up, do you trip on love?

I just stood there, and expected another reaction.
Out of thin air came the strangest sense of satisfaction.
Can you tell me how you see me so well?
If you help me would you let me see that part of yourself?

Do you trip on love?
Do you run from magic?
When you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
If you feel too much, do you start to panic?
When the word comes up, do you trip on love?

Where do we go?
Do we say this means less than we know it does?
Please tell me.

Do you trip on love?
Do you run from magic?
When you kiss someone, do you make it tragic?
If you feel too much, do you start to panic?
When the word comes up, do you trip on love?

When the word comes up, do you trip on love?
Don't you wanna love me no more?
I just wanna love you some more.

unfunny

last night i didn't want to talk to my boyfriend the whole day because i was pissed!!!
i wanted to get a good night sleep so i decided to hear him out at 12 MN. i thought he would be sorry.
but to my dismay he was laughing at me! at me! for sounding so mad and reacting that way! jerk! i felt like a fool, just there for his amusement. it wasn't funny because i really thought that he would comfort me and reassure me that i was his only girl. i wanted to strangle him with the telephone cord.
but 15minutes into our talk on the phone, i was feeling much better.
god, for a while there i felt like i was trying with all my might to pick a fight with a little boy.
i hope it won't happen again, because it's such a stressful thing to do, fighting. or trying to fight with a man who thinks i'm baloney. but loves me. after all, i'm a girlfriend, not a jester.

MIlan Kundera Quotes

"I find myself fascinating."

"Without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress."

"Eroticism is like a dance. It always leads the other."

"People are always shouting they want to create a better future. It's not true. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past."

"We don't know when our name came into being or how some distant ancestor acquired it. We don't understand our name at all, we don't know its history and yet we bear it with exalted fidelity, we merge it, we like it, we are ridiculously proud of it as if we thought it up ourselves in a moment of brilliant inspiration."

"How goodness heightens beauty!"

"Oh lovers! Be careful in those dangerous first days! Once you've brought breakfast in bed you'll have to bring it forever, unless you want to be accused of lovelessness and betrayal."

flowers for zoe

my sister Zoe.
love her to death.
we have a thirteen-year gap that seems nonexistent
due to her wittiness and maturity that can match and
definitely surpass mine.
she's everything to my mother and me.
she's an angel, a menace, a clown,
a little girl, a foul-mouthed grown up,
an irrelevant person who, by just stating the obvious
in her own amusing way, wins the laughter of many people.
before she wanted to be an SM saleslady.
then she wanted to be a seamstress.
now...she doesn't care about being somebody when she grows up.
she just listens to her favorite CD's: compilations of
the very best and very jologs OPM.
i wake up and see her pad papers all over MY bedside table,
on which lyrics of her favorite songs were written in red ink.
I wake up and see her bobbing her head while enjoying my iPod.
i wake up to find her in my face, commenting on how bad my breath is in the morning.
she banters with my friends.
she knows how to retaliate verbally.



i like the way she became now that she's 10 years old.
unconventional kid with jologsness.
but i miss her when she was still a baby,
reeking of sour milk and vomit.
when she would cry and i would change her nappies.
when i could still carry her, when she was having a hard time saying my name.
when i could put lotsa hair accessories in her hair and she wouldn't
say it's tacky and punch me in the face for looking hideous.

anyway i think i'll be loving her until the day i die,
regardless of what she will become.
probably a rockstar?
a TV star?
a newscaster?
a sports celebrity?
a business tycoon?
a sexy star?
a model?
a comedienne?
a lawyer?
a doctor?
a struggling artist?
a big fat momma? hope not!



FLOWERS FOR ZOE by Lenny Kravitz

Flowers for Zoe
Love for Zoe
Angels and rainbows
All kinds of things you can call your own
Garden for Zoe
And oceans for Zoe
Jungle gym playgrounds
All kinds of things for you to explore
Flowers for Zoe
Love for Zoe
Angels and rainbows
All kinds of things you can call your own
Yeah yeah yeah
God is for Zoe
And heaven's for Zoe
Oh can you believe
That everything is waiting to unfold ?
You can call your own
You can call your own
You can call your own

this is my cdg family

(caricatures courtesy of jel)

eto ang ilan lang sa mga magigiting na miyembro ng creative development group....


at iisa-isahin ko silang lahat! bwahahahaha!

ito si ferry. table at pc niya ang ginagamit ko ngayon.


ito si x, ang head ng cdg. jowa niya si rhoda, senior brainstormer. oks na oks sila. may bago silang diet ngayon. walang kakain, period.


ito si sunny. siya ang nagpapasweldo sa amin. lab ko nga to dahil dun eh. dun lang. haha.


ito si jel, ang gumawa ng mga caricatures na ito, ang head ko, at ang matalik kong kaibigang maaasahan. eto nga knock out si ferry eh. pero nakangiti pa rin. kamusta yun?


ito naman ang napanaginipan niya kagabi.


ito naman si mother lye, isa pang unit head at nanay ng pink putaheras. grabe siya noh? birthday niya kasi to eh.


ito naman yung malaki niyang pagpapanggap na straight siya.


ito naman si nix, isa pa naming head. isang araw, susunugin ko ang cabinet niya para mawala na lang ang mga fabulous finds niya sa ukay. abangan! panuorin niyo rin ang panday. siya yung taong bayan 1. hahaha!


ito naman si lenni. marami ang marami sa kanya. marami siyang chocolates, marami siyang resibo, marami rin siyang votes sa mga favorite conestants niya sa SIAM.


ito si dianne. ang funky but hopeless romantic and extremely religious officemate namin. siya ang girlfriend ni vino, ang dashing debonnaire sa SIAM. o di ba!


ito si maemae. dati siyang cdg pero madalas pa rin siyang dumalaw sa office and war room. lagi siyang hyper and super fun niya kakwentuhan tungkol sa dates. haha! ang tawagan namin, bheng at dhan. dahil kami ang kikay masin!


and me? well, when i'm not sitting pretty, i do yoga!




bow!

doncha?

doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
ito yung kanta ng pussycat dolls.
sila yan, yung nasa taas nito.
very pop ng song, very bad ng dolls, nakaka LSS tuloy.
eto yung kumakanta talaga sa kanila.
ang hot nga niya.

I LOVE ZEENA!

i will think of nothing but myself this weekend.
yup, i will be an unfeeling hedonist frolicking around the city.
i started by splurging on clothes this morning with my good friend fifi.
then i had a pedicure and a manicure while napping before going to work.
then i had my brows and upper lip threaded this evening.
tomorrow i will undergo plastic surgery!
of course i'm kidding.
i want to do something really peaceful and purely selfish, like read a book
in a coffee shop, write in my journal, or get a massage.
nothing too meaningful.
what's meaningful? time for myself. i miss myself.
i spend most of my life trying to please other people,
doing what they want, giving them what they need and
saying what they want to hear.
and i bet it won't be hard to do those things for myself.
all together now! .... I LOVE YOU ZEENA...I LOVE YOU ZEENA....

zero energy

today i feel like i will collapse anytime.
is it possible to feel very very tired without doing much?
i'm probably burning out.
from what?!
maybe i should be doing something else.
but what?
i wrote a song a week ago to describe my emotions these past few weeks.
but i don't know if the words in my song captured my exact emotions.
oh well. writing a song is always relaxing.

UNDER THE COVERS

busy days
no wants to have coffee
no one cares if your heart's broken
everyone is running around

not today
i'm going to ignore the noise
and listen to good music
remind myself to quit daydreaming and

from under the covers
i'll get up and dress up
i'll go out there to win the fight
call up my lover
and then i'll discover
won't let the world eat me alive

wednesdays
midweek boredom
fun is gone
it said goodbye yesterday
and i am left with the sound
of my footsteps

i want to play
kick up my heels and laugh
and say hello to everyone
so tomorrow morning waking up is easy

from under the covers
i'll get up and dress up
i'll go out there to win the fight
call up my lover
and then i'll discover
won't let the world eat me alive