random lyrics at bedtime

" love, angel, music, baby, hurry up and come and save me..."

"you look so fine. i want to break your heart and give you mine..."

"if i'm smart then i'll run away, but i'm not but i guess i'll stay..."

"Me and the girls, we ain't stressin' out. We ain't birds, we ain't headin' south (Noooo!)"

"We're luxurious, like Egyptian cotton. We're so rich in love, we're rollin' in cashmere..."

"Today is whatever I want it to mean. If this is where memories are made, well. Dreams do come true."

"Everything is open. Nothing is set in stone. Rivers turn to ocean. Oceans tide you home."

"You will be my sinful secret. I can't tell my kids about you, though i could never lie. And i hope someday you'd ask. You know i'd like to stay here and chat for a while. But it's bad for my future plans of being a loyal wife."

try it on my own

( i have to get whitney's drugs)

I'm wiser now
Im not the foolish girl you used to know
So long ago
I'm stronger now
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go
And I should know
I put myself aside to do it in your way
But now i need to do it all alone

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way
I feel no matter what I'll keep it real
You know
Time for me to do it on my own

It's over now
I can't go back to living through your eyes
To many lies
And if you dont know by now
I cant go back to being someone else not anymore
I never had the chance to do things my way
So now it's time for me to take control

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
no matter what I'm gonna keep it real
You know
Time for me to do it on my own

Oh, I start again go back to one
I'm running things in my way
cant stop me now
I've just begun
Don't even think about It
there aint no way about it
I'm taking names go down the line
Yes I'm gonna take my turn
It's time for me to Finally stand alone
Stand alone

give me a (cigarette) break

this morning i was having a cigarette, staring out the window of ayadh's flat.
he had gone to work and fifi was revising and re-revising her CV.
we were listening to american junk by APO hiking society, a song i never did like,
but for the sake of patriotism we listened to it.

thoughts flooded my mind just as the nicotine invaded my lungs.
i knew that going to a foreign place to find a job was a big risk.
and no matter how much i loved uncertainty, i could not help but feel a little worried.
about what could and would happen.
but i snapped out of my woes and thought about what should happen.

i know that this is a big risk, but it is not a dangerous one.
it's a beautiful one. one that will fill my heart with bittersweet memories.
one that will make me stronger, more eager to live, and prouder.
yikes. could i be any more prouder? fifi says i'm too proud.
(shrug) i'm a leo.

i got up, got rid of my cigarette, got my towel, prepared my clothes and took a warm bath.
in the bath tub i realized that eventhough i miss a thousand people and things at home,
this is where i am supposed to be right now.

zeena zalamea...does the name ring a bell?

today fifi and i went to media city and met some respected filipinos.
very impressive.
mr. art salinel, a bigshot marketing guy at the
filipino channel took us out for lunch in one of the
nice buildings in media city. we had mcdonalds.

we left media city to go to sheikh zayed road, to meet my orgmate eve.
on the way, i enjoyed my little talk with the taxi driver.
fifi was smirking at me for being such a liar.
i told the driver that we were celebrities in the philippines,
and that we were doing a world tour.
before we reached dubai, we had gone to france, italy and 6 other countries.
i said we went to media city to sign autographs.
the driver was from bombay india, so i said next month we would be in bombay for a show.
i said i had two children, and fifi would get married next month.

the driver's name was adel.
adel. our first fan in dubai.

fifi asked why i was so confident all the time.
why i had to make sure i dressed well even at the mall.
i said looking confident is one of the ways to earn respect.
first impressions last. and i can attest to that.

but suppose people do not care about appearance.
what matters next?
easy. courtesy.
we have spoken to a few filipinos here, and most of them have responded positively.
some of them have snobbed us, and that's how we knew there were two kinds of pinoys here.
we certainly do not want to be included in the latter.

so confidence and courtesy, i believe, will take us places.
places we never imagined.

and of course we need a few hundred dirhams.
taxi fares are very expensive here.
right, eve?

two words

i am in dubai right now and the weather is great.
it is cool and raining the whole day,
and locals here are telling fifi and me that we brought the
rain all the way from the philippines.
and maybe it's good luck.

this evening i had a great talk with a man named ayadh farooq.
he is an author of many interesting novels. (google him)
very intelligent person.
we talked over wine and cheese, cigarettes,
and a hot cup of chai tea latte that i prepared myself,
thank you very much.

he was married once and has had many relationships in the past.
we exchanged some thoughts about life and love.
i said that i was afraid that my next relationship would not work out.
he had many insights that made me feel better about myself, made me feel empowered
and encouraged to make bolder decisions.

in one of his books, he likened life to a long train ride.
some people take the whole trip, some stay until half of the trip,
some people ride at one station and get off at the next.
i shared my analogy of life. i think it is a party.
my guests will come and go, but the celebration will never end.
it's my party, and i will have fun regardless of who attended and whether they want to stay.

and after a two-hour talk, he came up with a conclusion
encapsulated in two words: Who Cares?
Yeah. Who cares if it doesn't work out?
I care about a person, I want to give it a try,
I want to feel special and cared for,
but in the end, if I end up alone, then who cares?

then i started to make my own versions of the two words.
i'm special.
no worries.
queen massage (it's his top secret).
etc etc.

whatever those two words are,
they have to make me feel better about myself and
make me feel that i can get by on my own.

which gave me the urge to ask you,
what are your two words?

try it.

what's up with my attitude?

"When I do things without any explanation, but just with spontaneity…I can be sure that I am right."
– Federico Fellini

"We each need to let our intuition guide us, and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly."
– Shakti Gawain

"It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich life."
– Katherine Butler Hathaway

"When you cannot make up your mind between two evenly balanced courses of action, choose the bolder."
– William Joseph Slim


I am finally making the biggest decision of my life.
Not everyone agreed with me.
I know, they care for me and want me to be safe.

I didn't just think to myself, "Fuck it, I'll pack my bags and leave tomorrow."
I thought it over. For a long time, without anyone influencing me.
Pros, cons, no pressure. Cigaretter after cigarette.
I silently fixed everything, to ensure my safety and a promising life in another country.
I invited my most special friends to go with me.
And I made sure that I will get the respect I deserve when I get there.
And when I was sure of what I was about to do, I told my loved ones and closest friends.
Picture perfect.

Still, some are worried for me, and I don't blame them.
I am taking a risk. And it's about time.

Some are excited for me, some wishing me well.
But there are a few who have gone out of their way to understand, defend and support me.
They are even willing to embark on the journey with me.
Mama, Fifi and Jel.

So now I am braver. I am not afraid that will disappoint them, because that is not an option.

I love you!

no no drama

4:09 am. just finished editing.
not a very hard job, but i can't possibly be confined inside an editing room for 6 straight hours.
i am waiting for fifi to finish with work. we'll have tea later and trade stories about our dates.
she looked so pretty tonight. hmmmm.
ok, something has been bothering me.

my great-grandmother died some days ago.
i will miss her, but one of the things i'd rather not do is mourn.
so now i am avoiding going to her wake and funeral.
i know my father will be furious if he finds out
that i would rather edit than see nanay.

part of my being an escapist.
just like i'm so eager to date after ending a bad relationship.
it's the same principle. i don't want to sulk.
and this attitude may not be healthy -- Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
says to grieve all i want before moving on --- but i'd rather skip the drama.

so i'd like to think that nanay is in heaven right now, smiling down at us
and thinking how funny her grandkids look when they're crying.

not me. i'm smiling back at her.