I’ve told myself time and again that I will not waste my life worrying. But every single day I find myself doing just that. Marvelous.
Worrying is a sign that I have so much fear in me, and that’s exactly what I want to get rid of. I used to be so fearless, so carefree, so hell-to-the-world-I’ll set-you-on-fire. Now I seem to have lost my luster. Is it Dubai? Is it adulthood? Is it the enormous amount of pressure on me at work? I have no idea.
And so I go and debate my singleness and my fatness and my loneliness. And I know that it’s not right to feel this way, I have been extremely lucky and I am in no position to complain. I’m not complaining. Just keeping it all in. That’s even worse.
What I want is to stop worrying. Stop worrying about my housemates and the laundry. Stop worrying if I am wearing such a sucky outfit. Stop worrying about the internet connection. Stop worrying about romantic connection… anyway in the end I always find out there is none.
What I also want is to make the most of my life. Not anyone else’s. I also find myself letting go, giving up things just to resolve conflicts. Well, I realized I am going to be indifferent, to the point of retardation. Lucky spazmos, they don’t need to be understood. Because they’re literally crazy, and I am just a nut. People ignore them and still love them without expecting anything of them. People can say I am just a nut, not completely crazy, and I have no excuse to treat life like a candy bar.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I can't wait.
Push the fast forward button so I can go home.
The feeling of longing is intoxicating.
I need to not be in my right mind so I can endure waiting a few more months.
Or else I would attempt to fly all the way to Manila.
Dubai has given me so much and I don't deny that.
But Manila is heaven. It is home.
Plus it's more fun to get drunk there.
I can crawl on the streets and not be arrested.
I can puke in the cab without fear of being called a slag. Which I am not.
When I go home I will drink and be merry.
And be very very drunk.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
nothing else to do
Starting Time: 12:!3
Name: Zeena Celine Zalamea
Sisters: Zoe!!!
Brothers: 0
Shoe size: 6
Height: 5'2"
what are u wearing?: pajamas with holes and an old shirt with more holes
Favorite Number: 21
Favorite Drink: bullfrog
Favorite Month: December
Favorite Breakfast: cereal
***Have You Ever
Broken a bone: never
Been in a police car: never
Been on a boat: yeah going to Galera and Boracay...
Came close to dying: once, twice
Swam in the ocean: only near the shore
Fallen asleep in school: yes in college
Broken someone's heart: i am not sure
Cried when someone died: yes
Fell off your chair: yes a couple of times
Sat by the phone..waiting for someone to
call? Not literally but yes, I waited for lots of phone calls that didn't come.
Saved emails?: all the time
Been cheated on: I think so. Don't guys do that all the time?
cheated on the test: a couple of times
***What is-
Your room like?:a nice quiet abode shared with Sherry and Ethel
Whats right beside you?: wall
What is the last thing you ate?:
a bagel
---Ever Had---
Chicken pox: yep.
Sore throat: yes
Stitches: yes, I was big fan when I was a kid
Broken nose: thank God never
---Do You---
Like picnics?
- Love them, especially with nice friends.
Like School?
- I love it more now that it's over. I miss it.
---Questions---
Who was the last person you danced
with: Sherry I think at Hibiki
Who makes you smile?
- nice emails from family and friends
---Who---
Did you last yell at: Mahmoud for being so late.
Do you like yourself?
- Yes most of the time
---Final Questions---
What are you listening to right now?
- my self typing away
Hated someone in your family?
- My dad
What car do you wish to have?
- Oddly, I don't wish to have one at the moment.
Good singer:
-fabulous. Not necessarily great, but fabulous.
Diamond or pearl?
- diamonds
Indoors or outdoors:
- indoors .. it's freaking hot outside!
---Today did you---
1. Talk to someone you like?
- yes
2. Who?
- some guy
3. Get sick?
- yes, I didn't go to work.
4. Sing:
- I do. Every single Thursday.
5. Talked to an ex:
- not recently
---Last person who---
7. Was in your bed besides you:
Jen gueco
8. Talked to on the phone?
- Ria
10. Went to the movies with?
- Sherry, Ethel and friends. Harry Pottah!
went to the mall with:
- i went by myself today
12.Been to Europe:
- never
13. Been to Asia:
- yes I actually live there
14.been to Russia:
- never
15.Been to the Bahamas:
- no no no no
18. Been to Mexico:
- will you take me?
19. Been to Canada:
- no but I want to
20. Been to U.S.:
-yes to see my aunts!!!
---Random---
21. Do you like someone at
the moment:
- well no one in particular
22. What books are you reading
right now?
- something by monica ali... i think it's called Alentejo Blue
23. Best feeling in the world:
- love. what else?
24. Future kids names:
-I haven't really thought about that.
25. Do you sleep with a
stuffed animal:
- no. I do sleep like an animal though.
Time Finished: 12:26
Name: Zeena Celine Zalamea
Sisters: Zoe!!!
Brothers: 0
Shoe size: 6
Height: 5'2"
what are u wearing?: pajamas with holes and an old shirt with more holes
Favorite Number: 21
Favorite Drink: bullfrog
Favorite Month: December
Favorite Breakfast: cereal
***Have You Ever
Broken a bone: never
Been in a police car: never
Been on a boat: yeah going to Galera and Boracay...
Came close to dying: once, twice
Swam in the ocean: only near the shore
Fallen asleep in school: yes in college
Broken someone's heart: i am not sure
Cried when someone died: yes
Fell off your chair: yes a couple of times
Sat by the phone..waiting for someone to
call? Not literally but yes, I waited for lots of phone calls that didn't come.
Saved emails?: all the time
Been cheated on: I think so. Don't guys do that all the time?
cheated on the test: a couple of times
***What is-
Your room like?:a nice quiet abode shared with Sherry and Ethel
Whats right beside you?: wall
What is the last thing you ate?:
a bagel
---Ever Had---
Chicken pox: yep.
Sore throat: yes
Stitches: yes, I was big fan when I was a kid
Broken nose: thank God never
---Do You---
Like picnics?
- Love them, especially with nice friends.
Like School?
- I love it more now that it's over. I miss it.
---Questions---
Who was the last person you danced
with: Sherry I think at Hibiki
Who makes you smile?
- nice emails from family and friends
---Who---
Did you last yell at: Mahmoud for being so late.
Do you like yourself?
- Yes most of the time
---Final Questions---
What are you listening to right now?
- my self typing away
Hated someone in your family?
- My dad
What car do you wish to have?
- Oddly, I don't wish to have one at the moment.
Good singer:
-fabulous. Not necessarily great, but fabulous.
Diamond or pearl?
- diamonds
Indoors or outdoors:
- indoors .. it's freaking hot outside!
---Today did you---
1. Talk to someone you like?
- yes
2. Who?
- some guy
3. Get sick?
- yes, I didn't go to work.
4. Sing:
- I do. Every single Thursday.
5. Talked to an ex:
- not recently
---Last person who---
7. Was in your bed besides you:
Jen gueco
8. Talked to on the phone?
- Ria
10. Went to the movies with?
- Sherry, Ethel and friends. Harry Pottah!
went to the mall with:
- i went by myself today
12.Been to Europe:
- never
13. Been to Asia:
- yes I actually live there
14.been to Russia:
- never
15.Been to the Bahamas:
- no no no no
18. Been to Mexico:
- will you take me?
19. Been to Canada:
- no but I want to
20. Been to U.S.:
-yes to see my aunts!!!
---Random---
21. Do you like someone at
the moment:
- well no one in particular
22. What books are you reading
right now?
- something by monica ali... i think it's called Alentejo Blue
23. Best feeling in the world:
- love. what else?
24. Future kids names:
-I haven't really thought about that.
25. Do you sleep with a
stuffed animal:
- no. I do sleep like an animal though.
Time Finished: 12:26
Friday, July 13, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
It’s been crazy at work.
I won’t have a weekend, and it’s my choice.
Choosing to work over the weekend means choosing not do to other stupid things.
It means choosing to behave and stay in a place where I am safe, and I will go home and sleep soundly, without horrible nightmares.
It means I can wake up the next morning with only bad breath to worry about.
It means not being afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, because in the long run that comfort zone will eat me alive and I will end up feeling lonely.
I can assure you that.
I won’t have a weekend, and it’s my choice.
Choosing to work over the weekend means choosing not do to other stupid things.
It means choosing to behave and stay in a place where I am safe, and I will go home and sleep soundly, without horrible nightmares.
It means I can wake up the next morning with only bad breath to worry about.
It means not being afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, because in the long run that comfort zone will eat me alive and I will end up feeling lonely.
I can assure you that.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
i love change. and i don't mean nickels and dimes.
I am finally in my new place.
Comfortable, and Sherry and Ethel were extremely helpful.
I can be picked up late and still make it to work on time.
This isn't so hard.
Change isn't so bad.
True, I am just adjusting.
Adjusting as in always sleeping later and never minding what I wear to work and getting used to just being in my little corner and vomitting at work.
Change is stressful.
Better than not moving at all.
Better than just keeping still, trying to fight the forces that will make me grow.
So Sheryl Crow wasn't just hoping to make money by writing that song that goes "A change would do you good..." She really meant it. I think.
Sometimes it hurts to think that people have to change so much in this lifetime.
It hurts because it means saying lots of goodbyes and always adjusting to new things and always trying to fit in and stop doing things they love.
But as long as I have myself, still breathing and in one piece, change won't harm me.
Not in the long run. If anything, it will strengthen me.
I do think that with so many changes in my life, when I'm 30 I'll be able to fly.
Or drive a truck.
Whichever comes handy first.
Comfortable, and Sherry and Ethel were extremely helpful.
I can be picked up late and still make it to work on time.
This isn't so hard.
Change isn't so bad.
True, I am just adjusting.
Adjusting as in always sleeping later and never minding what I wear to work and getting used to just being in my little corner and vomitting at work.
Change is stressful.
Better than not moving at all.
Better than just keeping still, trying to fight the forces that will make me grow.
So Sheryl Crow wasn't just hoping to make money by writing that song that goes "A change would do you good..." She really meant it. I think.
Sometimes it hurts to think that people have to change so much in this lifetime.
It hurts because it means saying lots of goodbyes and always adjusting to new things and always trying to fit in and stop doing things they love.
But as long as I have myself, still breathing and in one piece, change won't harm me.
Not in the long run. If anything, it will strengthen me.
I do think that with so many changes in my life, when I'm 30 I'll be able to fly.
Or drive a truck.
Whichever comes handy first.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
Sunday, July 01, 2007
friends' sites
I got an invite from Danica. She wanted to add me to her friends list on a site called StumbleUpon. How many invites do I get to join these silly sites. Hi5, Zorpia, Facebook, LinkedIn, freaking Eskwela. I used to be a big fan of these sites that were suppsed to get you more friends and make you popular, but guess what, I've stopped joining. Friendster is all I need. Friendster got me intro trouble, but also saved my life, and made me discover stuff that I wouldn't find out if not for the excellent friends networking service it's got. It also cracks me up, when I browse and see how my old friends have become. Anyway my point is, I don't need new friends, or new friends' sites. I am ok with Friendster's services. And no freaking friends site ever had true friends for members. They're usually fly-by-night predators who think they're hot stuff. Even on Friendster, they have demons. But that site's my turf and I can handle them. And even if I couldn't, I have enough real-life friends to turn to. Thank you.
Ok that didn't make sense at all.
Ok that didn't make sense at all.
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