end of the month blues

i am working late today because it's our fourth month as a couple.
not logical at all, but it's the best way to celebrate.
i'm having coffee with the PC right now.
if i kissed the monitor, would i feel better?

i couldn' t sleep last night

CALENDAR AND CLOCK
a song

lights out, way past midnight
no signs of the sun
the calendar, the clock
remind me of the one
i want to be with now
but he's fast asleep at home
and there's nothing i can do
but to write him a love song

so i light a cigarette
and i listen to some tunes
get a piece of paper on
which i spilled my orange juice
i begin to write some lines
but erase them afterwards
and embracing the guitar
i try to think of the right words

i begin to write again
this time i am satisfied
so i sing my song for him
but he's still nowhere in sight
will he ever know i wrote this?
will he ever hear my song?
i'll sing this while we're apart
but i hope it's not for long

second half of sunday sucks

in just a matter of hours, my mood has changed.
i printscanned for 4 hours and now im mentally exhausted.
if i have to do this every single Sunday of my life I will definitely lose it.
plus my hormones are playing with my emotions.
i feel like crying for no reason at all!
well, lenni will be here anytime to tune in to SIAM.
and give me pansit. that should cheer me up.
sigh.

"Six Feet Under"
No Doubt

In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Non-existent?
Not at all?
Will I ever know?

oday is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground

Subconsciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interference
Control, control, control

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
I'll be buried six feet underground

Whoa!

It's a Sunday and I choose to work. I'm prinstcanning, for crying out loud.
But it's okay. It's a sunny afternoon and I have the PC all to myself!
I must have gained a few pounds this week. I'm having trouble shifting in my seat.
And I'm having trouble taking a picture of myself, because from all angles my face is fat.
And I'm having trouble deciding whether I should get a pedicure or a facial.
Plus which coffee to buy at Starbucks so I can get that planner.
Yes, I want a planner. Dorky? I don't care.

Hmmmm I looove Sundays! I worry about trivial things because I have nothing else to do.
And it's not even worrying to me.
It's ______________! (Can't think of a word to define it, WON'T think of a word. too lazy for that). Ta ta!

dizzy happy

haven't been sleeping properly in days.
but it's okay.
it means he's bounced back from relationship slumber.
and i'll trade my sleeping hours for a fun talk on the phone
with tots anytime.
but now i'm really dizzy.
but happy.

WHITE SARONG MONOLOGUE

mga chong, bumili ako ng white sarong. ano kayang pwedeng gawin dito?

hmmm...pwede itong gawing altar!


pwedeng props sa cultural dance sa paco park!


pwedeng maging isang giant pasador kung ikaw ay babae! kung lalake ka at matanda na, pwedeng adult diapers. come to think of it, pwede ito kung babae ka at matanda na rin, or kahit anong age mo pa for that matter.


maaaring gawin magic carpet para makalipad tayo sa mga paborito nating lugar!


o di kaya'y gamitin ito para libangin ang sarili at makapaglaro ng tug o war!


at kung busy naman ang suki mong barbero...


at kapag nadisgrasya ka nang di oras....


at kung talagang gutom ka na at walang ibang makain...


at upang lalong lumigaya ang buhay mo....

....magkumot nang hindi mamaluktot!

naku naku, itigil ang lahat, may mumu!


ok, ipagpatuloy ang lahat dahil narito na ang ating beauty queen from sacred heart quezon city!


hay kakapagod talaga, makapagpahinga nga...


o nandiyan na pala ang barkadahan, may araw na. halika ipahinga na natin ang puting sarong...


BOW!

zombie

24 hours...
no sleep.
you've gotta be kidding.
i live to sleep.
and tomorrow is a looong day for me.
48 hours?
huwaw!

no one to banter with via SMS, he lost his phone.
so i'm awake for 48 hours with all work and no play.
galing ah.

my playlist as of nov 17

these are the songs i listen to lately. they brighten up my usual day at work!

on my way to work:

• desperately wanting: better than ezra
• when i grow up: garbage
• heaven tonight: hole
• sunday morning: no doubt

at work:

• love on the run: chicane
• doncha: pussycat dolls
• chicane: daylight

on my way home:

• listen: stonefree
• one: u2
• special: garbage
• marry me: no doubt

before i go to sleep:

• when i'm thinking about you: the sundays
• not an addict: k's choice
• alfie: everything but the girl

i will lose my mind in 5, 4, 3, 2...

i do not want a smart conversation
i do not want a fancy dinner
i do not want a sex marathon
i do not want a wedding proposal
i do not want a romantic surprise
i do not want a 5-hour talk on the phone


so don't go anywhere
but here

don't bring anything

just yourself

and don't say anything
i know
don't leave by yourself
i'm here!

too much

i'm always on the go and do not have time to ponder things.
i rush past my own thoughts because i always have work or something fun to do.
but when i'm alone and don't have anything to do, the things that matter to me most visit my mind, and i get so overwhelmed that i think that i can't take it. i can't feel that deeply anymore.
earlier this week my mother and i had a short talk about work. she looked so tired and she said she wanted a vacation but she couldn't get that anytime soon. i just said that i'd be here if she wanted to vent out. that was the best i could do.
and i felt so bad afterwards. i wanted to give her the time she needed to rest and the energy she needed to face another long day at work, but i couldn't.
that's the worst feeling in the world, wanting to do something for someone you love, but you do not have the means to do it. you're helpless.
and i that day i felt for mother so much that i literally felt paralyzed. i couldn't move a muscle be cause if i did i might break down and lose it completely.
i'm not used to feeling that way anymore. i easily brush things aside if i don't want to think about them. but this one is about my mother, and there's no way i can deny my concern for her.
yun lang naman.

when there's nothing else to think about

i don't want to live a perfect life.
i guess that's why i always find myself in bad, or absolutely senseless situations.
or maybe i'm afraid to strive for perfection?
so i scream....

who cares about......
music?
peace?
health?

give me...
noise!
drama!
headaches!

but what i really mean is...

teach me!
push me harder!
inspire me!
show me how to get there!

oks ba? wala na namang sense 'to eh. shet.

coffee with a lovefool

i just had coffee with my very good friend fifi. she waited until my work was finished and we went straight to coffee bean to have a chat.
she claimed that she was a lovefool, for falling hard for someone.
i say she's one of the toughest women i've ever met.
she speaks her mind and is not afraid to shoo away men she doesn't like.
she pleases no one else but herself, and that's how all women should live.
i love fifi because she's just this crazy girl who pretends to be a damsel in distress,
but the truth is, she doesn't even need to be rescued.
i see it this way: if someone finally finds her and keeps her, we have one lucky guy!
and i bet that guy is just as tough and lovable as my friend fifi.
but for now, she's happy with her new playlist on her iPod that i uploaded for her, thankyou very much.
so to good music, true love and being a tough chick, cheers fifi!

stop crying your pink heart out

The Pinks sang their heartaches out last night.
The cheapest videoke joint that had the latest songs, including Pinoy Ako, Red Horse and an outpour of frustrations and sarcastic happiness made my night.
Jel and Bridge and Elaine and Lye and Zeena.
All angry and confused and wishful and just about to give up,
but towards the end of the night we danced and bantered and
planned a grand night out next week.
Night out: velvet black mascara, red lips, and fabulous accessories.
Night out: endless dancing and getting drunk and going down with moon.
Night out: me and the Pinks sharing the same feeling.


STOP CRYING YOUR HEART OUT by Oasis
Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on...
Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone

cavite and cebu VS me

right now my boyfriend is in cebu.
cavite, cebu.
i don't really feel the difference because
it's been a month since we last saw each other.
here's cavite:



and here's cebu:



see the difference? i don't.

i hate calendars

I hate calendars.
I see no use for them in my life.
My period is irregular, so I don't cross out dates.
I have no definite schedule at work.
And my schedule with my boyfriend is worse.
It's non-existent.
So I threw away my planner.
And now I don't care whether it's November or June.
I don't care if it's Monday or Saturday.
I don't plan my weekends.
I don't plan my life.

another one about youth

when i grow up i will be stable
when i grow up i'll turn the tables
don't take offense
gonna make amends
rip it all to shreds and let it go
-Garbage

fireworks

no expectations.
just happiness.
is that possible?
last month we watched fireworks at midnight.
i saw ember of different colors fading down on us.
maybe something else had faded?

cramps, cranks

i hope my cramps go away faster than i can say SEVERE DYSMENORRHEA.
i got my period this afternoon and the pain is eating me alive!
my back hurts, i'm cold, i'm restless and annoyed for no apparent reason!
and this hassle is caused by none other than myself.
i live a sucky lifestyle.
i'm indolent and always running around.
i smoke, i don't eat on time and i gulp down coffee by the pail.
what's worse than severe dysmenorrhea?
pregnancy!
ok, i have my period and it's killing me.
but who's complaining?

how jealous am i?

i took an online jealousy test and guess what?


How jealous are you?
Your score = 65
While you're certainly not immune to the occasional twinge of jealousy, you are generally able to balance envious feelings with a calm and logical attitude. When you feel an attack of the green-eyed monster coming on, you try to calm down and take an honest look at your feelings. If it's a small thing, like your girlfriend/boyfriend innocently chatting to an attractive stranger at a party, you are generally able to let it go - or at least restrain from blowing it out of proportion. If you decide you have legitimate reasons to be envious, you would likely express it; this is where things can go wrong if not handled with the utmost finesse. Do you verbally attack the "guilty party" or make harsh accusations before knowing the whole story? Jealousy is a natural emotion, but can become poison in any relationship. As long as you try to keep your slightly jealous nature in check, it shouldn't do any damage.

just because you feel good doesn't make you right

"Hedonism (Just Because You Feel Good)"
skunk anansie

I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY NOW
I SEE YOU FEEL NO PAIN AT ALL IT SEEMS
I WONDER WHAT YOU`RE DOIN` NOW
I WONDER IF YOU THINK OF ME AT ALL
DO YOU STILL PLAY THE SAME MOVES NOW
OR ARE THOSE SPECIAL MOODS FOR SOMEONE ELSE
I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY

NOWJUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GOOD
DOESN`T MAKE YOU RIGHT, OH NO
JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GOOD
STILL WANT YOU HERE TONIGHT

DOES LAUGHTER STILL DISCOVER YOU
I SEE THROUGH ALL THOSE SMILES THAT LOOK SO RIGHT
DO YOU STILL HAVE THE SAME FRIENDS NOW
TO SMOKE AWAY YOUR PROBLEMS AND YOUR LIFE
OH HOW DO YOU REMEMBER ME,
THE ONE THAT MADE YOU LAUGH UNTIL YOU CRIED
I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY NOW

JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL
GOOD DOESN`T MAKE YOU RIGHT, OH NO
JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GOOD
STILL WANT YOU HERE TONIGHT

WANT YOU
I WONDER WHAT YOU`RE DOING NOW
I HOPE YOU`RE FEELING HAPPY NOW

NEVER TOO OLD FOR THIS!

Hanging out with high schools kids actually made me think about my own age. I am 23, and before my encounter with the Kiddieyapster bunch by the beach, I thought I was young and had a lot of things ahead of me. And i couldn't wait to conquer the world, I wanted to see already what I was "missing".
Turned out I was missing my teenage years!

Young fellows will be young fellows. -Isaac Bickerstaff
The guys we met were in their senior year in high school. They cussed, smoked and drank like men, but their white lies revealed their age. They would give us grown-up names, and after a few beers, would call each other by their real names. They would tell us about their life in "college", and they didn't even know what ACET meant. Yeah, Isaac. Young fellows will be young fellows.

No man knows he is young while he is young. -Gilbert K. Chesterton
I am young. I've been telling myself that since the night we met the boys. I want to be young. I want to be the class clown, have a magical prom night, cut class and organize a batch party. See my crush walk past my school, be happy with P50 in my pocket and dance in the cafeteria for kicks. Hmmm come to think of it, I can still do these things at 23. And that's how I really knew I was still young. Younger than you, I bet!

Youth is the best time to be rich, and the best time to be poor. -Euripides
It's the best time, period. A bitchfight between two classmates is always more fun to watch than an argument between two colleagues at work. When I was in high school, not having money meant hanging out at the cheapest canteen on campus, eating crumbs off the floor and drinking dirty sago gulaman while bantering with my friends. And having money meant... well, more food during lunch time. And that's the best thing that could happen when you're 16 and confined within the campus.

Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old. -Franz Kafka
When I was 16, I could appreciate a nice song. Now I can't finish a song on my iPod. Maybe because life as a 20-something is faster-paced, and as a result I've grown impatient. Make me 16 again, so I can memorize lyrics again, so I can learn chords and tabs patiently, so I can put up a band again and look forward to things other than earning money and trying to look young.

Well, youth is the period of assumed personalities and disguises. It is the time of the sincerely insincere. -V S Pritchett
Yes. When I was sixteen I was a musician, a class president, a comedienne, a writer, a softball team captain, a campaign manager, a dog, a ball, a lesbian, a beggar, a talk show host, a balikbayan, a Goth chick, a groupie, a roadie, a stupid person, and the list goes on...
And each character I assumed had its moment, making it a novelty. And every form of dishonesty was fun and not a point against morality. Now, do something dumb or kickass and you either go to jail or be ostracized.

Youth has no age. -Pablo Picasso
I am not 23, after all. I am 16, I am 5, I am 18, depending on my mood. And now, I badly want to be 1. When you're 1, the chubbier you are, the cuter you get. You get all the nourishment you need and people sing to you so you can sleep.

I am young. I've always been. It just took me 23 years to realize it, thanks to our weird by but super fun encounter with the "cool" seniors!

saturdays are for lovers

i haven't seen him in two solid weeks.
we didn't agree on seeing each other at least once a week.
but aren't couples supposed to go out on dates?!
do i have to ask every Friday if we'll see each other the next day?
correct me if i'm wrong, but saturdays are for lovers!
i see holding hands invading malls and restaurants.
i see cars speeding past me, the front seats occupied.
even my mother goes out on a date every saturday!
we're supposed to be part of that cliche circle.
so why do i find myself alone and envious almost every saturday?
why do i find myself texting instead of kissing him?
why do i find myself sleeping all alone in the sofa of seattles katipunan?
why do i find myself asking my friends if we have something planned?
am i single? because i feel like i am.
it's not only saddening. it's pathetic, it's annoying, there's something wrong with it.
when i entered this relationship i was so excited because i thought my saturdays would be a lot different. who knew where we would go? i expected a lot more fun that this.
this isn't even fun. i'd rather printscan than think of it.
now i'm dreading saturdays because my friends will ask me where he is, and i'm tired of answering on his behalf.
i feel like a loser bugging my girlfriends to have coffee or watch a movie with me. i'm supposed to be waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up so we can watch a movie or go on a joyride or have dinner together or just stare at each other!!!
will it ever change?
will it ever evolve into something more meaningful, or at least fun?
will it last?
because my saturdays are turning gray and my best clothes are rotting in my closet, along with my 31 red roses.

ye ye ye

i'm feeling fine
a want to
get inside
my lonely mind
and tell it to quit it
i'm so awake
i want to
break my promise
and waste my time
i'm loving destruction
i'm just like all the other girls
i need love and hate to rule my world
but i can't be just any girl
so i'm resisting temptation

kalat kalat utak

everyone is going away
and i'm here to stay
probably stray awhile
but i'm going home
to where my heart belongs
where is that place?
i used to guard it with my life
now i am displaced
and i can't figure out
where this flies
and i am a girl
and i am woman
looking for a man
and looking for myself
i'm getting over loving
i'm getting over loneliness
but i can;t help but feel that way
going out to dinner
wanting to eat by myself
wanting someone to feed me
wishing i were gone and back again
just like that
just like that
i tried and tried
but haven't gotten it right
right?
right!

where have all the cowboys gone?

Oh you get me ready in your 56 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandy lion sun scorch,
Would you like a glass of cold lemonade
I will do laundry if you pay all the bills

Where is my John Wayne
Where is my Prairie Song
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

Where is my John Wayne
Where is my Prairie Song
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone

I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't, but you don't even notice me
Say goodbyes
Say goodbyes
Say goodbyes

We finally sold the Chevy
When we had another baby
And you took the job in Tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week
I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer

Where is my John Wayne
Where is my Prairie Son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone
Where is my Marlboro man
Where is his shiny gun
Where is my lonely ranger
Where have all the cowboys gone
Where have all the cowboys gone
Where have all the cowboys gone
Yippee yo, yippee yeah

here's to the nights

today i'm feeling empty.
galera days over.
night outs gone.
tonight we will have a different night out.
a surprise party for our friend.
and maybe we'll hang out with the boys.
the cute cute boys.
and maybe i will get drunk,
sleep early again and miss all the fun.
i hate myself for doing that. again and again.
once, twice, again, again,
i like the way it felt before.
but the thousandth time it happened,
the moment lost its novelty,
and instead of everyone offering to take me home
or fetch me some water,
they let me disappear by myself.
that's funny.
haha.
haha.
hic hic.
hic hic.

galera galera, im going back to galera, galera....

october 31- november 3
the grand galera getaway

a much awaited vacation.
fun-ner that expected.
every minute was worth it.

what did i love about THIS galera?

• sleeping. and being told me get my lazy ass off the bed so we could have fun already!

• sunbathing and soundtripping.

• walking around in my favorite bikini top, bruised from the sand and pebbles, and no one cared!
• getting a massage by the beach with the three best officemates in the world --- jel, elaine, lye.
• listening to doncha all night long. enough said.
• the drink that they introduced to me, which i introduced to my loser tolerance to alcohol. la mumba. sounds good, tastes even better.
• living on eggs and barbecue.
• picture taking! anywhere, everywhere, anytime, all the time!

• the contest. i was asleep when they started it, and they ended up (according to elaine) having kebab and kimchi!
• so the next night, i was so excited to join the fun. i ended up having tempura. was it cooked?
• taking a shower whenever i wanted to. elaine and i were too lazy to get up to take a bath. i didn't know she was lazy!
• not thinking about manila. at all.

• outfits. i brought skirts and tank tops but i ended up wearing my bikini top and favorite drawstrings every single night.
• baileys, compliments of the gentlemen. gentle boys.
• girl bonding with elaine and jel in the room! they were super fun and super evil. no wonder we love one another.
• bantering with my marzi. marzi always wanted to sunbathe and walk and wander out in the sun, while i was asleep. so whenever i had the chance i went with her. we danced silly steps for two straight drunken nights.
• breakfast with nomer. i super love nomer. we just laughed the morning away, soundtripped, bantered, had fun! in galera we were a couple, and we looked good together. :)

• smoking alone in front of the room, with my iPod and a bunch of old memories.