How I Knew

I am overwhelmed by the help that has been offered to me by many different people --- from my close friends to acquaintances.
I found a lump in my left breast more than a week ago and I cried to my friend and thought it was the end of the world.
I thought about a million things at once.
I had to work, prepare for my vacation, run some errands, and the last thing that should mess me up was my health.
I immediately had it checked and it turned out to be a gross infection, but if left untreated, it would make me the most miserable person in the world.
I told some friends about this and I didn't expect their response.
Their warm concern for me was proof that I was not alone. I had a family here in Dubai, and if things should go bad they are there, just there.
My closest friends urged me to have it treated and I did.
I had to undergo surgery yesterday, and this left my pocket empty and my brains in shambles.

It was 5 PM when the hospital called me and and informed me that I was to have the operation in an hour. It was the worst time of day to get a cab, because they seem to go in hiding, and the traffic is ridiculous. I had no choice but to walk from Sheikh Zayed to Dyafa Road, where the hospital was.

While walking I was a little depressed that no one was there to take me to the hospital and hold my hand throughout the whole thing. But it was a long walk, and before I reached my destination, I realized that I was wrong in thinking that I was on my own.

My bosses called me up and checked on me and told me that if I needed anything --- absolutely anything --- I could ring them anytime. My colleagues constantly called me up to check on me and said we'd have a nice time once I'm back at work. Ethel gave me a ride after my initial meeting with the surgeon and some of my other friends cheered me up and wished me well. My drunken posse drove me to Dubai so I didn't have to pay any cab fare.

I was still panting when I put on the straight jacket and hopped on the operating table. Dr. Walid cut me up with the help of local anesthesia. Aside from the pain, there was only one thing on my mind: after the operation I would have one ugly breast. I would be considered as damaged goods and men would deem me unfit to become a wife. A proper child-bearing one.

Anyway my paranoia stopped as Dr. Walid declared the surgery over. I observed the blood on the cotton and bandages and let out a sigh of relief. My breast was bleeding, big deal. As long as my health card shared the financial responsibility, by all means just keep on bleeding! It was so strange. Like shopping for groceries, after the surgery I was led to the cashier to settle the payment and afterwards leave the hospital to carry on with my life.

I received a call from Yolanda right after the operation and I was literally moved to tears when I sensed the genuine concern in her voice. She said she and Craig would come and get me. Sherry and Rami came to pick me up right before Yolanda and Craig left to get me, so it all worked out. We ended up having dinner. Never mind that I was the fifth wheel nursing a gross wound.

Though I would probably not be happy with the idea of having another lump, this one definitely showed the kindness of my friends. It showed that I was worth having around, and that I was loved. It was actually better having this lump that going out with someone. Dating keeps you in the dark. it makes you insecure and uncertain about the feelings of a person, whereas this lump equals a montage of faces who surely cared about me.

And I thought it was good timing. In a week I am going home to Manila to spend time with my real family, and or sure they'll ask if someone looked after me in Dubai. Duh, Mama. I have more than one special someone. They come by the dozen.

It's funny that fate should make me wait eight months for something I never expected to happen.
In 8 months I rebuilt my confidence and started again, however painful it was.
I made new friends and learned a few things.
Kept some secrets and told some.
Desperately tried to forget with much effort.
And now it's in my face again, but everything else is different.
The backdrop, the music, the scent, the attitude.
Nevertheless, the person that has brought so many sensations -- most of them leaving me at his mercy -- has become my neighbor.
And there is no avoiding the situation.

I have never been to a hospital in Dubai.
Let alone an operation in this city.
And isn't it funny that the very person I was most scared of reappeared fom nowhere and offered to take care of me and relieve me of fear?

No wonder some people do drugs and become alcoholic.
While some of us can understand how fate twists the story, others can't quite handle reality and end up scratching their heads. Or has more than enough vodka.

Barack Obama speech in Selma Alabama

I wish he were single!

My Philippines

Back to Basics

I spent my day very differently.
Idle. Careless. No time constraints.
My friend and I ate like pigs and drove aimlessly like two teenagers around Dubai.
For once, I saw Dubai as a place I can actually embrace as my own.
With the cool breeze and the friendly sun, an environment that required no pretenses and an intelligent person to talk to about anything and everything, I can say this has been one of the best days in my Dubai life.
We went to the beach and played the guitar, tested the waters (literally), and went for a walk against a backdrop of indigo skies and the sun setting ever so slowly.
It was a treat to find myself in a position wherein I didn't have to make snappy decisions, answer urgent phone calls, or worry about something.
It was as if spending the day with Wyson, only he didn't try to puncture my gall urinary bladder with a sharp pencil when I was desperate to pee and there was no toilet in sight, nor push me to a frat guy to invite a rumble.
But he did call me Zinny.
All the youth I missed rushed back into my soul and pulled me out of homesickness.
For a good eight hours I was Zinny, eighteen and free again.

Jenny's Birthday

Mama Becky

The one thing I am most thankful to the Lord for is my mother.
She never left us alone, and she did whatever it took to get us through the hard times.
We did not end up as a statistic in the cruel hands of the city.
She worked harder than ever, opened her own business, raised us properly, and never for one moment thought about giving up.
We were never apart. stayed with us while we were growing up, to make sure that we had good grades, healthy bodies, sound minds and a positive outlook in life.
She made sure that the guys I dated were nice and decent, that Zoe's friends were good influence, and that her friends are also the kind of friends we want her to have.
She is young, vibrant, open to our opinions and most importantly, strong.
She is God-fearing and believes everything is possible with the help of the Lord.
I've always wanted the kind of strength she has. It's anything but a front.
She faces her problems like a real warrior, and encourages us in a way that no father can.
I can't wait to see her and hug her and tell her much much I've missed her.
For sure she'll shrug it off, as if I'd only been gone a few hours.
But she'll show her affection in other ways. I bet she's going to cook my favorite dishes, take me to my favorite places, and tell her friends about me with pride.
That's Mama Becky!

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Places like this make me sick.
A/C on, computer on, wits off.
Cigs lit, zeal extinguished.
I need sunshine.
Long talks, long walks, long islands.
I've grown fat.
My back is fat and my face is fat and my paranoia is fed by the weighing scale.
Every day.
Turn off the lights, light up the candle, and keep the music playing.
And let me lashes flutter until they settle down with the slumber that I hope visits me in less than five minutes.