the future

I am not at all afraid of the future. If anything I think the future is afraid of me, because I am not doing anything about it.

OK I’ve made a few contributions to my family, and I’ve invested money to acquire new skills and feel a little better about my appearance, and I’ve also done some of the things I promised myself I’d do, but in a lot of ways, going home every day from work leaves me unfulfilled, to the point that I cannot sleep at night without thinking of ways to improve my life.

Every day, God gives me reasons to smile, like a chat with Kat or Cookie or Terri, or a nice email from my Pinks, or a call from Mama and Zoe, or some funny shit on www.youtube.com, a fun night as Ria's tagalong to some events in town (hopefully with good food and free stuff), a quiet dinner with Colin (when he is home) while he tries to figure out the TV, or a spontaneous night out wit Sherry, Jen and the gang. But I have rarely made myself happy, as in me alone, by myself. It’s one thing to look retarded window shopping alone in the mall, and it’s another thing to take drastic measures to change my life. How the hell do I make it better?

I frequently check www.ivillage.com, www.oprah.com, and even shamefully tried to look up Dr. Phil on the internet, and in fairness to these sites, their contents made sense, and I feel so confident and motivated the first five minutes after reading them, but then I look around me and feel like slapping myself. It’s just not that easy to walk down an aisle when people are not looking at you, when they haven’t decided that you deserve a red carpet. In short, when they do not recognize you and your capabilities.

But then again, it’s probably not an aisle I have to walk on. A long aisle ends in a wall, a cold wall, and you have nowhere to go but inside a big room full of people, and it ends there. I probably need to climb a mountain. I start at the foot, climb up, climb up, run out of breath and get bruised and cut and sweat profusely and get dehydrated. And I need to make sure that I reach the top of the mountain, because otherwise the climb would be completely useless. I can’t wait to be up there. There are no walls, just freedom, just fresh air, no one to approve or disapprove of me, nothing to worry about. Just everything I am not right now, and I can’t wait to be up there. I can’t wait to be up there.

So yeah I want to be happy and I am ready to climb that mountain, if someone can just tell me where it is.