optimist or masochist? weight or lightness?

for weeks now i have not been able to concentrate on anything. since the day i watched that sex and the city episode called the exquisite pain, carrie's questions have been on my mind, running around in circles unanswered. she tied herself to mr big, who didn't want to be tied to anyone at that moment. so why did she stay in the relationship? was she an optimist for believing that soon, things would work out, or was she a masochist, addicted to the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable?

if you were outside looking in, and didn't have such a problem, you'd simply say she was dumb or blind. but feelings are not defined by a word or two; they're complex. it's not just sadness or madness or desperation or longing. it's everything that affects you and makes you do things that you know are right, or wrong. masochism is not merely masochism. it's backed up by love, or hopefulness, or fear. and when carrie decided to untie herself from big, she realized that she was finally free, but there was nothing exquisite about it. she knew it was the right thing to do, but something in her head told her that it was not going to be okay once it was over, not yet.

the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera is somewhat related to the exquisite pain. men are afraid of commitment because they didn't want to be burdened by feelings of love, fear and pain that a relationship brings. they want to "travel light", live life without complications. women are different. they embrace the weight that a relationship brings, because they need love and all the other feelings that go with it. they want to be filled with emotions, sacrifice part of their lives in order to show their love for their special someone.

when i finished the book, i'd never been more grateful to God that I was born a woman. I want to experience life and fill myself with something i want, even if it means having to suffer. if you thing about it, suffering becomes trivial if you're thinking of where you're heading: happiness. playing safe, living in "lightness", or sometimes mistaken as peace, can be dangerous, because if you look at the end of the road, there is nothing but emptiness.

the exquisite pain, the suffering we all feared before we experienced it, is just a piece of cake. so i will indulge in it. maybe i will get tired of it, maybe i will finally have what i've always wanted, or maybe not, but i know that pain is not a dead end. happiness is just around the corner. maybe i'm an optimist and a masochist. good to know that. i want to be anything but empty.