This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me a little kinder, and things a little more visible to me.
Last evening I was enjoying a glass of Baileys and milk when the doorbell rang. I eagerly opened the door to find a Chinese lady with bags full of copy copy DVDs.
My knee-jerk reaction has always been to say "no money, she she..." and shut the door.
And then I realized, the Chinese lady was human too. And I needed someone --- anyone --- to keep my mind off the very distracting and destructive thought of the boy next door.
So I let her in and bought what seemed like a 1000-in-1 DVD for only 20 AED. Not bad. Not bad at all.
So she thanked me and kept on smiling like she was trying to tell me something. While I didn't want to answer her with my meaningless forced smiling, I got creative. I opened the BBC website and showed her the pictures of the recent earthquake in China. Her face fell. Ok I just ruined her day.
Anyway we ended our chat happily, by exchanging She She's. And she promised to be back. When she's back I hope I won't ignore her anymore.
Even if I had my life back.
So there. I can't believe certain feelings soften your boundaries and allow you to be more open to others.
This is the kind of feeling that makes you finally buy a DVD from the Chinese lady you usually shooed away on a normal day.
This is the kind of feeling that makes you buy hair spray.
This is the kind of feeling that discourages you to eat like a trucker.
This is the kind of feeling that makes you watch the movies and read the books you've put off for so long.
This is the kind of feeling that just makes you stand in front of the mirror and dance to Glamorous by Fergie.
And make sure that your hair is the right kind of messy.
And sleep on Desperate Housewives dreaming of killing Terri Hatcher.

And I don't understand
Why trivial feels good
It flows in my bloodstream
Though it never should

I want to walk away
But it runs towards me
Awakens my senses
Sets me free

It's a nasty stain
An awkward joke
A friendlly banter
Another prolonged hoax

I can't believe I spilled red wine all over his new sofa. It's peach, and it's four days old. And yes, I could tell he was livid inside. How could he show anger to a lady who has obviously reapplied lip gloss a dozen times and combed her hair so that the fringes rested excatly on her cheeks, giving him the opportunity to brush them with his fingers? He kept that Joker-like smile on his face, and I was still happy he had the decency not to throw me out of his place, even though I conveniently live next door.

Nevertheless, I think, his kind forgiveness was a complete act. Not a good one even. I spilled wine on myself first before I accidentally splashed it on the sofa. My cute top, my skirt. All over me. If I walked out in the hall way my other neighbors would think I was fermenting. And yet he never even bothered to ask if I was okay. He asked if I wanted to wash my skirt (which would mean I would have to step out of his bathroom skirtless), and I refused. He could have just shown some concern. The way he looked at his poor peach sofa, and the way he scrubbed it silly with a stain remover, you'd think I wasn't there. But I had to be there because I spilled the wine.

He's a furniture freak. But why would a man redecorate his house fifty seven times solely for his pleasure? I have not heard of furniture fetish, but I DO know that gay people are the best in furniture design. It's their passion.

Speaking of passion, I am not very passionate about this thing. He's my next door neighbor and if we got too involved, I would mess things up. Big time. And even in my building I wouldn't be able to move around with liberty. This morning I had to take the stairs because his friends crashed his place last night and we found ourselves heading for the lift at 8 AM. I didn't want to exchange awkward looks with them in the lift, so I ran down three floors (panting and all) just to catch my bus.

That was absolutely appalling. I hope I don't have too many cute neighbors. Ok one more wouldn't hurt.

Dating has always been an exciting part of my life. Most of the time though, I am not in the dating loop.

In a year, maybe five guys would ask for my number, two of them would actually call, and well, those two are most likely to just mess it up before the third date.

There are times when I get a little impatient, but most of the time I just sit back and relax. Oh and drink.

Last week the guy next door (literally the guy in the flat next to ours) asked for my number. We said hi while waiting for the lift and then in the lift, we exchanged How are yous. And then on the ground floor, he out down his coffee mug and whipped out his... mobile phone and asked for my number. Great. Last evening he said we should get together some time. So the big question is, will we be able to do that? And the bigger question is, are we going to get along? If not then I would have to take a longer route going to my flat just to avoid his door.

My point is, ok this stage is very exciting, and I can't wait to see how this turns out. If he turned out to be an idiot, I would be so disappointed.

I never for the life of me imagined myself in this position, at this point of my life. The stakes are higher now, but I have never been more comfortable with what I am doing. My family is also facing some tough challenges.

However seemingly overwhelming, I think that all these simultaneous changes are not an accident. After all, the whole universe knows that Mama and Zoe are two of the strongest females I have ever known, the one and only reason they are facing a lot of intertwined transitions that are bound to turn our life around as a family.

I moved to a new flat with Ethel. It's probably the boldest move I've done in the first quarter of the year. Why not? the place is nice. It's fully furnished, the neighborhood is quiet, and the things I need are accessible within the area. I am still close to my friends and I have nothing to worry about when it comes to getting some rest after a long day at work. We have a nice living area, a dining area where I can have wine and write in my journal, a nice balcony where I can sit back, relax and watch my neighbors play basketball or park their cars like idiots, and of course our very our kitchen where I can experiment with ... well, food. I don't know. I'll probably boil some potatoes tonight. Or tomorrow.

I have been losing sleep these days... but don't worry, it's not over something bad. Jel lent me a DVD of this reality series called In the Lot, where upcoming directors compete to work with Stephen Spielberg and score a million dollar deal with Dreamworks. Not bad. I like watching 20 different movies in one sitting, hence the eye bags. Plus the host, Adriana Costa is one of the most beautiful girls I have seen. So there. Perfect recipe for insomnia.

Work is also very very rewarding. I have been doing my job well enough for me not to worry about losing it, so that can't be a bad thing.

My mom and I are constantly communicating, so I am not worried about her and my sister. We have never been closer. I love that feeling. I am going to chase it forever.

On the weekend I think I will get some sleep and visit a few friends. I kind of want some time alone. A few well-deserved days off just to recharge and regain my zest for life.

Oh, and yesterday I cleaned my toe nails. Yes, after much cruel criticism from colleagues and friends, I decided to push back those cuticles a bit and scrub that dead skin off my big toe.

Ummm yeah I guess that's it.

My colleagues punked me today.
They involved our big boss and they totally made my armpits sweat like anything.
Anyway I think it was a great idea for me to just shut up and own up to my mistake.
Or else I would have looked like an idiot in front of everyone in the boss's office.
I actually feel kinda special. No one has ever pulled an April Fool prank on me.
In a way, yeah I am honored. Stupid to be thinking so but what the hell.
Ok I admit it. I was hung over yesterday, and wasn't able to go to work.
Many would think that was retarded, but I say I'm human and I wasn't about to show up at work reeking of alcohol.
Plus I felt so guilty I made sure my story for today was comprehensive.

I totally messed up at work today. And I wasn't even there. Long story.
But tomorrow hopefully I can do a much better job.
That was such a disgusting move. Wrong. Wrong.
Loved the wine though.

Why I am Excited to Move

I am moving into a new flat in four days and I am excited! There are a few reasons actually:

1. I am moving into a fully furnished studio apartment with only one roommate, which means more space for myself and less computations when paying for stuff like water and electricity.

2. I am much happier that the other three times I moved, no hang ups or bad memories that go with the leaving and packing, and there are no saddening events that have transpired so far to make moving hell for me.

3. I really think that this is the next step to getting a place of my own. In a year I can probably get my own place and experience living alone, in every sense of the phrase. Well let's wish I would have found a decent boyfriend then. But who cares.
Me. I care.

4. I am increasing my expenses, which means I have no choice but to work harder and consequently earn more. You might think that working twice as hard would not necessarily mean getting compensated better, but I guess I don't have time to believe that. No matter how cynical this world may seem, as my friend had pointed out, if you just do whatever you want and feel it's right, then everything will fall into place. Everything.

5. I can cook, which is cool. I had started learning to make edible stuff at Colin's place, but I had to give it up when I moved into another place. Now I want to pursue that. My first dish would probably be something straight from my mom's recipe box.

6. There is a basketball court right in front of our building. Awesome. Total body work out without having to pay or worry about transportation. Cool.

These are just some of the reasons I am thrilled to move. Of course I am getting goosebumps just thinking about the additional expenses, but goosebumps are fine. Based on experience in live entertainment, goosebumps are a precedent to a successful performance. For sure.

5.

My Weekend

Yeah, I had a fun weekend.
Pooped from my very productive Abu Dhabi trip on Thursday. I headed straight to my friend's place to have wine and cheese. Minutes into our conversation, I fell asleep, snoring and all.
On Friday, Sherry and I went swimming at my friend's building, and I had an awesome time just trying to get some sun. I am seven shades darker now, no big deal.
In the evening, after a meeting, we went straight to the karaoke bar. Modesty aside, I kicked ass once again. I don't think there will ever come a time when I would suck at karaoke. At least with the songs I like. I would like to believe that together with my mastery of converting feelings of sadness and all the other loser thoughts that go with it into golden opportunities to creatively handle life's challenges, I have also developed an uncanny talent for singing like a pro. Of course I am kidding.
But what the hell. As long as I don't sing She's Always A Woman by Billy Joel ever again, I will continue to be fine and well-loved at that joint.
Ok so I went home Friday a bit tipsy and annoyed at a bunch or middle-aged Germans in grey suits who all tried their best to vex me when I was singing a Stevie Wonder song. Well, they failed. I emerged the victor. And they're still bald.
Saturday... hmm... I kicked off my day with a huge serving of The Office Season 3 episodes. Healthier than breakfast, if you asked me. Not only does it keep me from being hungry (I realized I had no food anyway), it makes me laugh. And there's nothing like loud laughter to start the day. Then I received a call from my friend Boki, and we bought coffee from the nearby petrol station. He dropped me off at my friend's building, where I took full advantage of the steam bath and sauna, and had lunch.
At 4 PM my neighbor picked me up and we went to Uptown Mirdif. I accomplished something that evening - I sent money to my friend. I told her to buy Mama a watch for her birthday, and she did! I was so happy because it was exactly what Mama wanted. Anything for my mother. Absolutely anything.
So we went around Uptown Mirdif, a charming place where you can breathe fresh air, go shopping for knick knacks, and look at the children going down the giant inflatable slide in the middle of the "plaza".
Then we met up with Jel and Johnny and we suddenly had this crazy idea to visit the karaoke bar in my soon-to-be apartment building. It was a big flop, mainly because of the quality of the sound in the place. We rocked.
So there. That was my weekend. Fully booked.
Uhhh.... no, there is no moral lesson to this story. I just wanted to write about my weekend. Feels good.
Thanks for reading.

life's questions

I filed a story today and it felt good to officially finish work at 11:30 in the morning. I had two lunches, both with rice. I know, what a pig right? But yesterday I had nothing to eat for lunch because I was in Abu Dhabi all day working my butt off. But you know what? It feels weird not having anything to do. I didn’t even have to choose between stuffing my face and reading hilarious The Office quotes on the net. I did both, and it was okay! I didn’t neglect any task or forget to do something. I was literally done with work even before lunch! Tomorrow I am going to Abu Dhabi again for another kick ass story, and even though I love Abu Dhabi and would actually consider living there if a good offer came my way, I hate having to go on a long trip only to reach a destination where you’re supposed to start working. Long trips are for holidays, otherwise just slit my throat and stitch it up when we get there.

Oh and today I didn’t take a shower. Don’t ask me why. Not that I’m uninspired or anything negative like that, it’s just that I had five minutes to prepare and I didn’t want to be late. Ok, my carpool was late. Big time. I was standing in front of my building for five, six minutes trying to look cool and patient, when I could have spent that precious time shampooing.

Ok so back to the main idea. I think I am happiest when I am given something to do. A very important task, perhaps a full-day coverage of a local celebration. Or a feature on those 8-foot monsters who roamed around Global Village, getting people to have their pictures taken with them for ten dirhams. What were their lives like? Did they have to do that because their mothers were sick? Or were they wealthy children who decided to turn their backs on their parents and their wealth for the sake of freedom? Or do they just want fame and glory?

You know what, these are the questions we need to be asking ourselves. I've had time to do it, because I’m so good I finished work at 11:30 AM. So yeah, when you do have free time, you can puzzle yourself with life’s questions.

Everyone is trying to save or earn more money. Everyone. Websites that used to headline stories about how to be a good partner in bed are now featuring too many stories on how to stretch a buck. Banks have been more aggressive, pushing people to spend in a less than obvious way. Yesterday the Aramex guy went through all that trouble to deliver a debit card from my bank, a piece of plastic that I am not using any time soon, simple because I have not asked for it. I know convenience is also one reason I was given a debit card, but it’s more convenient if I weren’t tempted to spend more knowing that I can pay for almost anything with a shiny blue plastic shoot.

A handful of currencies have increased in value because of the dwindling value of the greenback, but more are being affected by this phenomenon. My dirhams are worth only a little more than ten pesos, as compared to almost fifteen just two years ago. My food is more expensive now, and as much as I want to find myself a nice room, rent fees are climbing the inflation ladder faster than I can respond to any room-for-rent ad. Even watching a movie puts me off. I would rather spend a whole evening going on YouTube.

I don’t have a lot, but I have enough. I think I am good at managing my finances. I am a financial fundamentalist. Am I afraid to get ripped off by the bank? Yes. But more importantly, I am sticking to the traditional way of saving simply because I save more that way. The only time I’ve ever swiped a card in my life was when I had to get something from my friend’s hotel room years ago, and that was because keys were already outdated then.

The Benefits of Being an OFW

One thing I realized about being an overseas Filipino worker is that I now have involvement in my family’s finances. I don’t meddle with how my mother spends her own money; after all, it is her own, and she has worked hard for it, spending time at work and on her business to make sure that she and my sister can live a comfortable life. However, I have committed to paying for my sister’s annual tuition, and that gives me a little more say in the family in terms of income. I now have a voice when it comes to discussing a big purchase or contemplating an investment. I can tell my mother what I think, but she still has the last say and she will do what she thinks is best, but at least she now listens to me. That’s a far cry from absolutely zero involvement.

My involvement in financial matters allows me to permeate deeper into my mother’s thoughts. I can ask about things that may not be money-related, but are on the same level of importance as our family income. Take her health. If I could ask about how much she spent on something, why on earth can I not ask her about what the doctor said during her check up? Or I could start by asking how much she has been spending on her meds, and then we can have a proper conversation about so many other things.

I think one reason she is comfortable sharing her thoughts with me is --- aside from the fact that I actually have a serious job as opposed to my hazy days in Manila when I spent most of my time smoking like a chimney and frequenting karaoke bars --- I am far away, too far that I can only listen and empathize with her without having to look at the sorry expression on my face. The last thing she wants from me and her loved ones is pity. She’s also been a fighter, a person who has always decided for herself and influenced me and my sister to do the same.

I also find that with all the talks we have all throughout the year will make me feel so much more comfortable when I finally see her. Now I know her better. I know what ticks her and what impresses her. And so days out with her and my sister are much more pleasant, and conversations have more meaning and depth. And I don’t think I could have strengthened our relationship had I not flown to another part of the world. That’s just how I see it.

I’m looking forward to December, because when I see her I’m sure we’ll have a better rapport and a fabulous Christmas. No, we can’t share a joint, but at least we can talk about money now.

Winner

I voted for myself on election day.

I had a ballot for every good deed.

I had a signature for every happy thought.

I had a thumb print for every hope sparked.

I won by a landslide, crushing my opponents.

Still I kissed them on the cheek and shook their hands.

I remember the campaign.

It was a struggle against bad feeling.

It was a battle between myself and external elements that I couldn’t control.

But my party was strong and my convictions were genuine.

I hope to get re elected and never lose power.

I will never ever declare martial law.

If I did, I would be fooling myself, shooing the bad away without giving myself a chance to turn things around and prove my true power.

I campaigned against all odds.

Frowns, criticism, coldness, deceit.

More than anything, it was a fight between my old self and the person I wanted to become.

And now I am almost halfway through completing 100 days in the presidential palace.

And so far, opinion polls are showing that I am succeeding.

It was long fight, and this is the reason I am cherishing my hard-earned victory.

There will be all kinds of distraction and tribulation and even pain.

But I will continue to be the happy president I had always wanted to be.

Love Today

It's a weird friendship that I can only divulge to people I truly trust.
I had no doubt we were going to hit it off and become the kind of friends we knew we could be.
I guess the absence of a person gives other people the freedom that they need to nurture healthy relationships.
This friendship was long overdue. While the longevity of such a perfect set up is not guaranteed, I am glad I experienced it at its peak, at the time when I wanted to experience it.
It was a platonic friendship that rooted from intelligence and jadedness and humor and the understanding of the human mind.
He was a safe haven, a dirty bastard who respects me and only me.
I am queen and I am making tea for him.
We are the friends that never were, and that should be enough reason to thank fate.
Maybe you can't be friends with your ex, but you certainly can have decent sane relationships with his friends.

Drunken nights
Emergency flights
Winter fireworks
Oh my God
Those were the days
I thoroughly enjoyed them
But time has decided
I could only bow down
So I shed my skin in winter
Serious change on the way
Summer's mood, we don't know
Oh how we change our styles
And shift gears for a while
To ride along with the times
That have been less than kind
But we're more than that
And we're more than what
People have said we were
And we are out to prove it
With a bottle and a stick
Without lies or tricks
We're more than that

Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video

Warm

I don't know how cold it is

Probably 10, 12 degrees

But I know how warm I can make myself

What a relief

Tempting

So many temptations

I never fail to heed them

Cigarettes and candy

Boys who act like men

They like that I like them

They feel good the first minute

But they run out of surprises

And expect me to deal with it

Oh I like my teeth rotten

And my sugar levels soaring

My lungs are filled with bad air

Makes my life less boring

I enjoy being run over

By cars and trucks and hearts

Sad endings are a shame

But another story starts

And I'm sober to this day

I walk straight and tall

I might keep everything

Or decide to throw it all

Depends on how I feel

Not on what you think

Well, they all make me

Want to have a drink

Cheers