all i want for jel

It's been such a long time since I talked to Jel and Reiz, the Girls' Period Gang.

Jel was in an unbelievably unusual position last night as she found herself asking for our advise.
My insights on her problem -- though I didn't really think it's a problem but a good opportunity --- were enough to make her believe that I was jaded and most probably the biggest cynic she has heard from in a long time.
In the same way she must also think that Reiz was a hopeless romantic and a willing victim of love.
I found myself struggling to make a point, since Jel was leaning more towards Reiz's opinion and I could just sigh.

But in retrospect let's not forget that I forced myself to be tough and relentless when it comes to men, and in time I've trully come to be, and of course it was with the help of none other than my dear friends, Jel playing the biggest role in my graduation from naivete.
Well I don't really expect her to do what I suggested, because I didn't always heed her advise before, and that explains why I had a crappy relationship with a not-so-cute guy.
All I really want is for her to tell me that she is genuinely happy, that there is no other man who can treat her as good as this guy.
And then I will keep my mouth shut.

I do not discount the time and effort this guy spent on my friend, but I do not want him to think that he deserves to get the best, because what he has done has not proven him a guy worthy for my friend yet. And my friend is undoubtedly the best. In everything she does, she aims for no less than perfection.

So tonight or tomorrow morning I hope to speak to Jel or receive an email from her, and hopefully, as I read it, I will read happiness between the lines.
And if not? Of course I'll stay right beside her (though physically impossible), just as she did a million times in the past.

busy

I haven't written in ages.
I've been exhausted from work.
Which is good.
Busy is good.
Idle is eeeevil.

I must have spoken to a hundred different strangers this week, some of them very interesting.
Like the one who arranged for an interview with Mr. Max Clifford, PR god.
He made The Beatles sheikhs of rock and roll, among his successes.
And tomorrow I get to meet THE ONE, Thomas Lundgren.
I asked Greg if I could tag along with him and he said OK. Love it!

Actually I'm loving the business program.
I got a Creative MP3 player (1GB) from a guest we had, Mr. Halabi, just because we interviewed him.
Such a courteous man, and he saves the earth too!
He owns a water desalination plant.
What else? Hmmmm well I've steered away from the really important issues in my life.
I just want to concentrate on work for now, and it needs my efforts the most because we've just launched.

I attended pilates classs lat night, and I was inspired by this middle-aged local, Mohammed, who apparently attends all classes when he can.
He wobbles and falls down and can't balance, and in aero class he just can't keep up, but he keeps on attending the classes, whether he's improving or not.I believe he will.
I know he will. He's just really happy to be working out and sweating, and that's OK.
Perfectly fine.
I walked home singing a tacky version of Emotions by BeeGees, and the wind was just amazing.
It's officially winter.
I slept like a baby last night, in my satin pyjamas and next-to-nothing tank top.


I might be uber busy for the next couple of days.
No worries, as long as I continue to work out, get my 8 hours of sleep, read my favorite books, and have two days off, everything should be all right, if not better.

lazy friday

Literally did nothing today.
I'm trying to save money.
Must remember to take a shower before bedtime.

I just went on http://youtube.com and watched loads of Ali G videos, some enlightening documentaries about Israel and Islam and Neo Nazis, and for 5 minutes got engrossed in Victoria Beckham.

Last night I was sent out for a shoot.
I had to go around bars and find bachelors to interview.
We're doing a piece about how single men in Dubai budget their money.
"Excuse me sir, I'm Zeena working for ____. Are you by any chance single? How are your finances?"
The first ten seconds of my inquiry made me sound like a gold-digger, but in the end it all worked out and we finished at midnight.
The cameraman was getting pissed because he'd been working all day, but a Cinnabon sorted out things between us.

Had tons of carbs today and feel miserable, but Yolanda made great pasta and I couldn't say no. That means working out like Shaq tomorrow. Oh I forgot, we have work tomorrow. Monday then.

When is my favorite guy coming to see me? Only God knows.

taxi fares and then some . . .

Flag-down rates go higher and higher.

Flag down indicates the start of the trip.

And it costs sooo much once the destination is reached.

The taxi driver did his best to avoid traffic jams and you arrived safely at your place of choice.

In relationships, flag-down is indicated by the slightest expression of interest.

A smile, a reply, a dirty joke.

Then the ball starts rolling. The ride begins.

And then it ends.

And it costs you peace of mind, sometimes almost your sanity.

But you both tried yoru best, and it was a good experience.

You learn in the end, and you're exactly where you are meant to be.

So it's not true that drivers are sweet lovers.

If anything, their work is the perfect analogy for pain caused by relationships.

So remind me not to hit on a cab driver.

Every girl has a hoe in her.

It's a fact, just like every guy has a bastard in him.

But I just can't find it in me.

I'm tired.

I find the whole dating thing too overrated and quite frankly, just a sick way of avoiding loneliness.

But I want to be a willing victim, and I want to find the hoe in me and just go out there and have fun.

Why am I not doing just that?

Why do I stay home every night and watch Ali G over and over again and just NOT worried that I might be missing out on something good?

I don't want to be Li'l Kim, but seriously, I've been acting like a granny lately and it's just not healthy.

I started working out (nice pilates session last evening by the way), but I feel so old for all other things.

Actually I kind of know the answer to my questions.

There's only one person in this world I want to be with, and he's not available.

Emotionally or otherwise.

Sad innit.

Li'l Kim must have ONE favorite guy among all her boy toys.

fight the cold

It's cooold already.
It might even drizzle.
But I'm fighting the cold and trying to feel warm and fuzzy.
And since I can't roll up a joint I opted to wear my ratty old jackets.
Yeah that's one of the things I need to buy, a decent jacket.
If I change my mind about that I just might settle for a cup of hot chocolate.
While watching a romantic comedy on DVD of course.

So how do you fight the cold?

significant discoveries

Turkish lemons
Last weekend I thought I did Fifi and myself a favor by buying 2kg of Turkish lemons for Dh2.40. This afternoon i made myself some fresh lemonade and it tasted like crap. If God wants me to end up with a Turkish guy I sure hope he's not as bad as his motherland's lemons.

Down with the yellow
So I started this protein diet that I'm sure won't last a week. I eat egg whites, and they're ok. Filling. I throw away the yellow stuff because that's all cholesterol, and I eat my hard-boiled egg whites with say, 1kg of salt.

breath-taking
I made it a point to brush my teeth for 30 minutes after a showered today. I just felt that my morning breath was scaring the shit out of my housemates (I am home alone again). They're very nice people so I'm sure they're keeping mum about it, but still I wanted to make sure I don't have monster breath. Plus I have a new toothbrush that's neon orange and light blue. Funky!

almonds
I'm excited to go out tonight with Jen and the rest of the gang. Now I have to find a place where they serve free almonds, because plain peanuts won't please these friends of mine. Give them something less than posh and they go craaaazzzy. Still they want their almonds for FREE, because it just doesn't make any sense to buy almonds at the co-op so you can munch on them in a hip bar. And don't believe I made sense with what I just wrote.

skinny jeans
I fit into my skinny jeans now. They're still a little snug, but maybe if I wear them often enough my thighs would just give up trying to get bigger. Skinny jeans are great, because they remind me of how thin I should be. One look at that sexy denim pair makes me want to quit chocolates, salt, and sometimes life. But now I'm very optimistic about my self-improvised weight loss program, and in a few weeks I shall visit my skinny jeans again and let them glide up thighs.

right now

My friends and I had a heavy night last weekend. Heavy in the sense that we were getting deep into relationships (or the lack of 'em), touching all aspects of love, and getting all silly with some German beer and cosmopolitans. And I realized that there are far more important questions that the ones we always ask each other. So love and sex will have to take a backseat right now, because we need to find out about more relevant stuff, like will we ever get away with wearing something that's not black? Or how do we get rid of our fats? And the most important question of all, are there free almonds at the place we're invading tonight?

We all have our problems. But let's chuck the vague, unanswerable ones out and concentrate on the things that will make us happier and produce instant, visible results.

Now where the hell is that girdle.

Ali G

Sorry, Ali G is my latest guilty pleasure.

[to a D.E.A. officer] Ali G: What is the different types of hasch out there? We all know that it's called the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the black, the herb, the sensie, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, Ganja, split, reefa, the bad, the buddha, the home grown, the ill, the maui-maui, the method, pot, lethal turbo, tie, shake, skunk, stress, whacky, weed, glaze, the boot, dimebag, Scooby Doo, bob, bogey, back yard boogie. But what is the other terms for it?

Boutros Boutros-Ghali: I am Boutros Boutros-Ghali / Put down your gun and listen to...

Ali G: Bob Marley.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali: ...Bob Marley!

Ali G: So, if this show teach you anything, it should teach you how to respek everyone: animals, children, bitches, spazmos, mingers, lezzers, fatty boombahs, and even gaylords. So, to all you lot watching this, but mainly to the normal people, respek. West side.

Ali G: But what harm has violence ever done?

Media analyst: Oh... death!

Ali G: Yeah, but apart from that.

Ali G: Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

Speech at Harvard:

Let's talk bout de future - your future. A lot of you iz probably worried bout employment. Unfortunately most of u WILL end up gettin jobs - especially now u iz got de burden of a degree.

You iz de elite, u will be tomorrow's captains of industry. Sittin infront of me is probly da next Bill Gates, Donald Trump...or even Ronald Mcdonald. And even if you can't all be Ronald himself, most of you iz probably McDonald's Team Leader material.

. . . look at de state of family today - girls is havin sex at younger ages, dere's an increase in absentee fathers and more and more people is havin affairs - but we shouldn't just concentrate on de good fings.Believing in something is easy. Actually doing something is harder. Actions speak louder dan birds.

I look out and I see 1000s of people wiv different hopes and different dreams - but it is important never to forget where u all came from - becoz black, white, brown or pakistani we all come from de same place - de punani.

The Departed

I watched The Departed last night with Ray. I thought it was not goingto finish til Thursday. But even if it was extremely long, not a secondwas I not eager to know what was going to happen next. The movie was unbelievable. There were several jaw-dropping twists that involvedlies, cover-ups, and loyalty.

Deception is always a good theme in movies. It's interesting. You don'tknow who the bad guy is, and even if you did, you can't deny that deepinside he's still a good man who just wants to survive. That's why I believe that in real life, there are no bad guys. While I may hatepeople who have hurt me, I don't forget that I've also hurt otherpeople, and whether or not I'm the kiss of death to someone depends onwhat I have done to him.

Oh well. This can go on and on forever like The Departed. I'm justhoping that more people see the goodness in me, because like everybodyelse (except for maybe Saddam Hussein), I don't go around hurtingpeople on purpose.

episodes

"No episode is a priori condemned to remain an episode forever, forevery event, no matter how trivial, conceals within itself thepossibility of sooner or later becoming the cause of other events andthus changing into a story or an adventure. Episodes are like landmines. The majority of them never explode, but the most unremarkable ofthem may someday turn into a story that will prove fateful to you." -Milan Kundera, Immortality

I agree with Kundera.
An episode is a casual encounter, a spur-of-the-moment rendezvouz, anincident that occurs and ends itself.
But upon ending, however abruptly, it can create a lifelong theme in someone's life.
It can leave behind a lot of unsaid words, unexpressed feelings,unanswered questions and unforgettable memories.
It can make or break you.

Episodes.
I smile when I recall several episodes in my life.
I don't think they ever go away just like that.
I have a library of all the episodes in my life.
When I listen to a certain song or watch a certain movie, or smell a familar scent, I retrieve an episode from my mind and remember everything about it.

Nostalgia.
I beleive it's a gift that episodes leave behind when they end.But nostalgia comes once in a blue moon.
It's a uninvited but welcome guest we met once in a place we are never going to visit again.
Well, I'm thankful for this gift.
It's one reason to smile, and think that you never really lose in life.
You just gain more and more reasons to smile.

Forward, always forward.

make yourself warm

Winter is rolling around.
Last night the breeze was lovely.
A few more weeks and it'll be COLD.
Cold is good.
You should go out, the front yard.
Wrap yourself in a shawl.
Help yourself to a cup of hot chocolate.
Watch the trees swaying against a backdrop of bright lights.
Drop your shoulders, breathe slowly.
Feet on the table, hands on your tummy.
Close your eyes.
Don't let loneliness freeze you.
Make yourself warm.

you really have no choice

You're so happy in one place at one time, and it goes on long enough for you to think that it could actually last.
And then one day it just stops, so abruptly that you don't have time to react, to know and fully understand everything.
And you think, shit. What do I do now?
And you search for answers. Why? Was it this, was it that?
And you just go crazy.
But look calm, because that's all you can do to save face.
And you desperately try to KNOW why this is happening, and you just don't.
And then you hate. Hate so bad you say the nastiest things.
And then you hurt. You stop searching, you just bow down and sob, hoping no one is looking.
And then you just become indifferent. So what? Who cares? Oh yeah?
And then the beautiful part. You wake up one morning and decide it's about time you make yourself happy.
And you do things that make you feel good.
You go ahead and dare yourself. And you get a high out of it.
You stop trying to fight the feeling, and that's the time you really don't give a damn about what others think.
Nothing else matters, really. Nothing else at all.

I asked my friend Jobee what I could do to stop liking someone.
She said: "Well, he really didn't have a choice but be liked by you."
Powerful words. And very true.

TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY

On my way to work I told myself that TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY.
That's going to be my mantra from now on, thanks to Jen.
It works for me.
It's not some unfathomable quote from a dead philosopher, but a universal wish.
Very simple, simpler than life itself.
And if I keep on telling myself that TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY every morning, nothing should drag me down.
Since imbibing that mantra I have done things that I wouldn't have normally done.
I invited someone out to dinner because I missed him.
Never mind if he was unavailable.
It was all good.
I was not disappointed. Well, a little. but I just let it go.
It just felt good to finally bring myself to do it, to do something about what's been bothering me.
The more I fought the feeling, the lonelier I got.
So in a way I freed myself from stress, the cause of wrinkles and cerebral aneurysm.
And with TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY, I made the most of my weekend.I got up from bed, took a shower, did my groceries with Fifi, and in the evening after the cancelled dinner I went out with my college friends.
Saturday, I watched the The Devil Wears Prada, which by the way was brilliant.
Meryl Streep was just fabulous.
She reminded me of my former boss, but she's a hundred times more fashionable and sophisticated.
And then I spent the rest of the night in a secret garden, where flowers bloomed and women found refuge.
YUCK THAT WAS A BIT POETIC SORRY.

Anyway there are no I HOPES or IFS or BUTS from now on.
TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY.
Like a nursery rhyme I chant in in my head, I count to ten, and flush everything down the toilet bowl.

This morning instead of listening to Song for the Leftovers, I chose to listen to Sunscreen.
Good way to jumpstart the day:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…

love, actually

My Friday night was interesting.
I met up with Obet, Eve, Jen and Sherry at Shakespeare and they all had something interesting to share.

At first we talked about work. Work is, well, work.
Strategize, think of the next step, and if you do it right, you'll be up there in no time.

And then we touched on love. (Shit.)
And we could go on and on forever, only some of us had work the next morning.
So there were some interesting insights.
Love is...
a conglomeration of positive and negative feelings, and everything in between.
bittersweet.
abstract.
unconditional.
doesn't have a structure. Therefore you cannot strategize to make things happen.
fluid, it's just not something you can control, or even keep.
what you make of it.
should give you that good feeling, make you cherish things, dreamy-eyed, whether you're loved back or not.

And sometimes, we just have to let things be if we choose to love.
Because love controls us.
And what's more wonderful than love?
Love love love.

Hmmm a Friday night club's not a bad idea.
For a sanity check, great company, warmth and . . .

LOVE!

salesmanship

There was a man who came to the office selling encyclopedias to us.
He approached every person in the office and delivered the same spiel over and over again.I had to wonder if he even knew what he was talking about.
Or if he even noticed that we were busy with lots of other things.
As we all excused ourselves from buying the three-volume crap, he would strike back with more reasons for us to take our wallets out.

Is salesmanship a skill learned in school, or is there a sales person in all of us?
If you think about it, we've done a lot of sales talks without us knowing it.
Three guys hoping to go home with one hot woman they met in a bar.
May the man with the best pick-up line win.
Two clerks vying for a promotion.
How do you convince the boss that you deserve the post?
Three pupils raising their hands to answer the teacher's question.
Kid one puts on a big smile. Kid two waves his hand frantically.
Kind three shouts out the answer without being called first.
Wife tries to win back womanizing husband by reinventing herself.

And me.
My brains bled from writing an essay to qualify to write for the school newspaper in high school.
I did a kickass interview to get into my course of choice in college.
I wrote a two-page profile of myself to impress my first boss.
I got all dolled up to get a guy I liked.
I beefed up on my resume-writing skills so I could get a good job.
I've done a million other things that required convincing, sometimes coercion.

What you are offering must be 100% beneficial, and relevant.
You can't sell a laptop to a farmer.
Well if you're really good you can, just like a woman can get a commitment-phobic to marry her.

Anyway . . .
This world won't tolerate bad salesmanship.
You have to market what you've got in order to get somewhere.
It's not necessarily a bad thing.
It depends on both the means and the end.
And nothing compares to the experience of closing a sale, especially a huge one.
It just makes you feel so good about yourself, that you've won someone over despite the tight competition.

But closing a sale is just the beginning.
The next thing you have to worry about is customer service.
But that's a WHOOOLE different story.

BTS (Better Than Smoking)

1. Watermelons
2. Playing the guitar
3. A good book
4. Napping
5. Chewing gum
6. A cereal bar
7. Writing
8. A long walk
9. Channel surfing
10. Diarrhea

change

www.ivillage.com strongly recommends keeping a food journal while on a strict diet.

for three days now i have been successful in keeping track of what i eat everyday.

i am hoping that in a week, i will see improvement not only in my journal, on the weighing scale, but in myself.

i am giving myself one month to shed the fats around my belly and thighs, and arms.

have to find a way to keep what's left of my breasts though.

will make sure to go walking in the evenings, when it's cool.

i also find it very challenging to keep zen and not be swallowed by the hustle and bustle of sheikh zayed road.

i also gave up drinking, except for a glass of wine with a good friend.

i also had my leg checked up and i would need a minor operation on the first week of december.

i am also very keen on doing meditation, maybe this week or next.

is this really me?

i might as well practice witchcraft tomorrow, for a more drastic image change.

cold turkey

Cold turkey, cold turkey, cold turkey.
Take a deep breath, count to 10 and let it go.
I can still have wine with Craig out in the front yard.
I can still have tea with the girls during lunchbreak.
I can still go out on coffee dates.
Cold turkey, cold turkey, cold turkey.
I'm aaaaching for it.
But won't even dare mention it here.
I want it to be for real this time.

vagueness

Play by ear. Read my lips.

Vagueness. Inevitable.

What prize do I get for solving a puzzle?