Hope

I just had a Eureka moment.
I now know why I love Barack Obama so much.
I'm not even an American.
I'm not involved in his campaign whatsoever.
But the politics of hope is a striking idea.
"Hope" doesn't even have to be accompanied by "politics".
It's such a strong word.
Everyone know about it, but has forgotten to possess it.
And now that he's constantly going around remind everyone that it still exists in the form of a black presidentiable, hell I know for sure it can exist in the form of an Asian lady in an Arab country, surrounded by predators who each claim to be the man of her dreams.
Well, I've got news for you buddies.
Up yours.
I'm dating hope until someone much better comes along.

No Winter

Looks like an early winter for us, said Gwen Stefani.
But it doesn't feel like winter at all.
I am kept warm and protected.
And I will stay here for as long as I want.
When I fly back, you'll regret it.
And I will bring with me all the pictures I took.
I will sing the songs my friends listened to.
And I will make you history as soon as I land.
I will pass you by, I won't hang around.
I need all the help I can get.
I can get all the help I will need.
I won't lose a single memory but I'll forego the future.
Goodbye. I didn't feel winter this year.

Bangkok

Bangkok was a blast.
I was only there for a night but I thoroughly enjoyed my stay.
I landed at 830 AM and wasted no time.
I learned my first Thai word, courtesy of the gentlemen who helped me fill out the arrival form. KAPUNKA!!! means "Thank you!", and I kept on saying that to everyone just to bring out the tourist in me. Even if that meant getting ripped off by everyone every two hours. What the hell, it was my only time alone and I felt so brave. Even with my finances.
So I found a cheap hotel on Rum Ruadee Street(I have no idea how it's spelled), a place called Jim's Lodge. It felt like bed and breakfast. The people were friendly and they never disturbed me.
I called for a taxi to take me to MBK, the best known shopping center in the city.
The second I saw the tiangge stalls, I went on the offensive.
I shopped like craaaazzzy.
I bought a dress that I didn't think I would ever wear. I just felt so daring and independent when I bought it. Des'ree said I gotta be bold.
But damn. When I tried the dress on, it was like someone set me alight, and I was happy about it. It was combination of bright red and orange, and black, and the pattern looked like fire waiting to spread itself. But I bought it anyway, thinking it wold come in handy, say, on a date with the devil.
Which is highly likely.
I also bought a bikini. My black one was beginning to bore me.
I walked into a stall and tried on a bolero, but the Thai lady shooed me away and was probably cussing me in Thai.
So I ran away and found my self in Siam Paragon, desperate for an authentic Thai meal. Of course I didn't find it there. It's a really nice place, but it's just a little too commercial for a culture-hungry tourist like me. I ended up having rice topped with creamy cheese and some fish.
And to really bastardize the authenticity of Thai cuisine, I bought a venti Starbucks frappe before hailing a cab to my hotel.
I reveled in my purchases, trying out my bikini and my dresses and my skirt.
I had a cig on the balcony, took a nap, and woke up to find myself excited to see the Bangkok Night Bazaar. So I called a taxi, and in a few minutes I was there, looking around for bargains.
I found a few nice items, and finally started to retire in an equally tired chair in the open area where people were drinking and a show band was performing.
I had a glass of Argentinian wine. Alone. While taking pictures of the people, the band, the food. Don't get me wrong. I didn't feel like a loser at all. I enjoyed being by myself and the freedom to do whatever I wanted.
Without thinking, "Ooh, I might embarrass myself..." or "Oh, I feel silly doing this."
So I went ahead and shook hands, said hello, had a short chat with a lady boy, teased some punks on the pavement, and bantered with some go go girls.
I went home satisfied. Tired as hell my tongue was sticking out, but satisfied.
I woke up early in the morning for my four-hour canal tour, where I got seriously ripped off.
My tour guide, Noot, couldn't speak English very well, but managed to tell me we were going to the canal for a quick tour. We went to the pier and went on a boat ride around the canal. There was a cheeky woman on the megaphone telling us about what we were about to see.
Temples, temples, and more temples.
A few houses, a few monks, a few Coke cans.
Some catfish feeding on bread, and lotsa snakes.
Yup I carried a python and wrapped it around my body as if it came from my womb.
I also held a baby monkey in my arms. He wanted to be breastfed, and clueless as to how to explain that I was not his mom, I let him go.
So Noot brought me to a couple of places, like the lapidary, where they made precious stones, and the Thai silk store, where I looked at pretty dresses I couldn't afford.
I went back to my hotel and quickly packed my things. I went to the airport and found myself short 30 Baht. It was kind of the driver to accept dirhams.
Anyway at the airport I found out my flight was delayed.
So I called Mama and told her that, then decided I was hungry, so I bought lots of Thai snacks at the family mart at the airport, which seemed to charge triple that I thought it did.
Anyway I still bought food. Ate three siopaos, had green tea, and three siomais at the passport control area. I burped while the immigration officer inspected my passport. Bye bye Bangkok.
I walked the walk (about 2km), talked the talk (to myself), until I reached Gate E-10. Finally. Manilenos in the house.
I had five glasses of wine on the plane. I wanted to intoxicate myself before finally landing. I didn't want to be sober and go through all the drama and nostalgia.
But alcohol didn't work. When the captain announced we were about to land on Ninoy Aquino International Airport, a tear trickled down my right cheek, and the Brunei national to my right was less than sympathetic. Understandably.


Snack Time!


Impatient monk checking out his flight schdule. Late for a meeting?


Yup, he has more teeth that I do.


I tried fitting in but theirs is an exclusive gang. Punks not dead, Bangkok style!


Believe it or not.


A blind date with the tuktuk driver.


I think they were singing YMCA here...


Their king looks like FVR.


I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!


Go go Sawasdeeka!


No thanks!

Manila!

I am in Manila and I feel sooo loved.
Lots of hugs, kisses and smiles!
I caught up with some of my friends already, and on my third day here, I can say that I have assuaged my fears of not being able to fit in again with the gang.
They love me, we still laugh at the same things, and if there's been any change it would be a nice one --- something that inspires me to work harder when I'm back in Dubai, so that in another 12 months, I can be with my loved ones again.
Family and friends are warmer, more excited to see me than ever.
Never mind the fact that I am 10 kg heavier now.
Never mind the fact that I am still living the modern gypsy lifestyle (penniless, restless, careless).

I hopped in a cab and had a chat with the driver.
They all hate GMA here. They all hate the government.
They also hate Trillanes for having only one ball --- he spearheaded the mutiny but quickly surrendered. People on the streets say that had he continued it, everyone would be marching to the key places in Manila and overthrow Gloria.
I missed this. The aggressiveness and openness to talk shit about the government.
The freedom to cuss at whoever makes life harder for me and you.
The polluted air on Aurora Boulevard.
The jeepneys. The pickpockets (as long as I'm not the target).
The takatak boys. The noise. The colors.
Manila Manila Manila I'm breathing Manila for the first time in almost two years and I love everything about it!
I love that I have mud on my legs because the Angono jeepney wanted to have fun with me.
I love sweating, I love eating, I love drinking in Manila.

Ok can't be bothered to type more.
Laters!

Counted all the times
And my fingers fell off
And I really want to know
How the hell he got off
I was supposed to pin him down
And I wanted him to beg
But I find myself on my knees
With him pulling my leg

I wasn't sure it was right
My teachers never mentioned this
My parents said to stop this shit
I never wanted to fight
So I pursed my lips
And cursed myself
And then I knew
I needed help

I really want to know
How he sleeps at night
While I negotiate my thoughts
He's nowhere in sight
I wanted him to stay
But he wanted to be free
Now he wants me to stay
Only if he stays free

I feel the cold air
Brushing my skin
HE warms me up
And I know he'll win

Again
Again
Again

And I won't know what to say
To my friends, my friends, my friends
Coz I so want him to stay
But I don't want to give myself away
Away
Away
Away

And I never had this problem
When I was small
Now I need to decide
Need to be tall
Taller than he is
Taller than his dreams
Taller than what I had foreseen

GWEN STEFANI - EARLY WINTER (Official Video)

I Don't Know

The surprise phase is over
And I'm now back on earth
Still I can't feel the ground
Another goodbye rolls around
And the trees are swaying madly
And the air is colder than ever
And the picture I had painfully painted
Has been destroyed in a split second
Farther away from the center
I am pulled by a familiar force
And I can't fight it with the weight
Of resistance I thought I had
And my arms are raising by themselves
And my eyes are closing slowly
The message caught me offguard
I can't answer your questions
And I can't smile at your face
But I can't help holding on
I am silent, I am thinking
But my thinking won't do me good
I've always been undecided
And I always change my mind
And everyone asks, will I let go?
The answer is I don't know

Winter started too early
I haven't washed my coats
And I'm walking aimlessly
Arms around myself
Freezing, yawning, humming
Listening to the honking
The cars that won't forgive me
For getting in their way
Well I'm sorry but I'm lost
I'm looking for a change
So I run away, so far away
To the other side of the world
Only to find you laughing
Coz here I am again, panting
At your mercy
At your service
Your door is always open
And so are your arms
But they're not enough
To keep me warm
But I curl up like a baby
Prentending to sleep soundly
Like I wanted this so badly
And it's never going to ruin me
And the night is reprimanding me
Telling me to go back home
Walk alone if I have to
But I can't do it this time
I've been trapped again this time
I can't even bend over
I can't even frown
And it hurts more than ever
But I want this and I want more
And I want you to help me out here
Could you please stop staring
It breaks me apart
Could you please stop screaming
Like we're oceans apart
We're an inch from each other
But we'll never be together
And we'll never have this moment
Ever again
And we'll never have this talk
Ever again
But I'll always look back
And it scares me to death
Where's my jacket?
Where's my smoke?
I need them to get by
The winter slaps me in the face
And it deems me worthless
Failing to fight
I give in everytime
Every single time
And I fnd myself impatient
For summer to arrive

How I Knew

I am overwhelmed by the help that has been offered to me by many different people --- from my close friends to acquaintances.
I found a lump in my left breast more than a week ago and I cried to my friend and thought it was the end of the world.
I thought about a million things at once.
I had to work, prepare for my vacation, run some errands, and the last thing that should mess me up was my health.
I immediately had it checked and it turned out to be a gross infection, but if left untreated, it would make me the most miserable person in the world.
I told some friends about this and I didn't expect their response.
Their warm concern for me was proof that I was not alone. I had a family here in Dubai, and if things should go bad they are there, just there.
My closest friends urged me to have it treated and I did.
I had to undergo surgery yesterday, and this left my pocket empty and my brains in shambles.

It was 5 PM when the hospital called me and and informed me that I was to have the operation in an hour. It was the worst time of day to get a cab, because they seem to go in hiding, and the traffic is ridiculous. I had no choice but to walk from Sheikh Zayed to Dyafa Road, where the hospital was.

While walking I was a little depressed that no one was there to take me to the hospital and hold my hand throughout the whole thing. But it was a long walk, and before I reached my destination, I realized that I was wrong in thinking that I was on my own.

My bosses called me up and checked on me and told me that if I needed anything --- absolutely anything --- I could ring them anytime. My colleagues constantly called me up to check on me and said we'd have a nice time once I'm back at work. Ethel gave me a ride after my initial meeting with the surgeon and some of my other friends cheered me up and wished me well. My drunken posse drove me to Dubai so I didn't have to pay any cab fare.

I was still panting when I put on the straight jacket and hopped on the operating table. Dr. Walid cut me up with the help of local anesthesia. Aside from the pain, there was only one thing on my mind: after the operation I would have one ugly breast. I would be considered as damaged goods and men would deem me unfit to become a wife. A proper child-bearing one.

Anyway my paranoia stopped as Dr. Walid declared the surgery over. I observed the blood on the cotton and bandages and let out a sigh of relief. My breast was bleeding, big deal. As long as my health card shared the financial responsibility, by all means just keep on bleeding! It was so strange. Like shopping for groceries, after the surgery I was led to the cashier to settle the payment and afterwards leave the hospital to carry on with my life.

I received a call from Yolanda right after the operation and I was literally moved to tears when I sensed the genuine concern in her voice. She said she and Craig would come and get me. Sherry and Rami came to pick me up right before Yolanda and Craig left to get me, so it all worked out. We ended up having dinner. Never mind that I was the fifth wheel nursing a gross wound.

Though I would probably not be happy with the idea of having another lump, this one definitely showed the kindness of my friends. It showed that I was worth having around, and that I was loved. It was actually better having this lump that going out with someone. Dating keeps you in the dark. it makes you insecure and uncertain about the feelings of a person, whereas this lump equals a montage of faces who surely cared about me.

And I thought it was good timing. In a week I am going home to Manila to spend time with my real family, and or sure they'll ask if someone looked after me in Dubai. Duh, Mama. I have more than one special someone. They come by the dozen.

It's funny that fate should make me wait eight months for something I never expected to happen.
In 8 months I rebuilt my confidence and started again, however painful it was.
I made new friends and learned a few things.
Kept some secrets and told some.
Desperately tried to forget with much effort.
And now it's in my face again, but everything else is different.
The backdrop, the music, the scent, the attitude.
Nevertheless, the person that has brought so many sensations -- most of them leaving me at his mercy -- has become my neighbor.
And there is no avoiding the situation.

I have never been to a hospital in Dubai.
Let alone an operation in this city.
And isn't it funny that the very person I was most scared of reappeared fom nowhere and offered to take care of me and relieve me of fear?

No wonder some people do drugs and become alcoholic.
While some of us can understand how fate twists the story, others can't quite handle reality and end up scratching their heads. Or has more than enough vodka.

Barack Obama speech in Selma Alabama

I wish he were single!

My Philippines

Back to Basics

I spent my day very differently.
Idle. Careless. No time constraints.
My friend and I ate like pigs and drove aimlessly like two teenagers around Dubai.
For once, I saw Dubai as a place I can actually embrace as my own.
With the cool breeze and the friendly sun, an environment that required no pretenses and an intelligent person to talk to about anything and everything, I can say this has been one of the best days in my Dubai life.
We went to the beach and played the guitar, tested the waters (literally), and went for a walk against a backdrop of indigo skies and the sun setting ever so slowly.
It was a treat to find myself in a position wherein I didn't have to make snappy decisions, answer urgent phone calls, or worry about something.
It was as if spending the day with Wyson, only he didn't try to puncture my gall urinary bladder with a sharp pencil when I was desperate to pee and there was no toilet in sight, nor push me to a frat guy to invite a rumble.
But he did call me Zinny.
All the youth I missed rushed back into my soul and pulled me out of homesickness.
For a good eight hours I was Zinny, eighteen and free again.

Jenny's Birthday

Mama Becky

The one thing I am most thankful to the Lord for is my mother.
She never left us alone, and she did whatever it took to get us through the hard times.
We did not end up as a statistic in the cruel hands of the city.
She worked harder than ever, opened her own business, raised us properly, and never for one moment thought about giving up.
We were never apart. stayed with us while we were growing up, to make sure that we had good grades, healthy bodies, sound minds and a positive outlook in life.
She made sure that the guys I dated were nice and decent, that Zoe's friends were good influence, and that her friends are also the kind of friends we want her to have.
She is young, vibrant, open to our opinions and most importantly, strong.
She is God-fearing and believes everything is possible with the help of the Lord.
I've always wanted the kind of strength she has. It's anything but a front.
She faces her problems like a real warrior, and encourages us in a way that no father can.
I can't wait to see her and hug her and tell her much much I've missed her.
For sure she'll shrug it off, as if I'd only been gone a few hours.
But she'll show her affection in other ways. I bet she's going to cook my favorite dishes, take me to my favorite places, and tell her friends about me with pride.
That's Mama Becky!

WOW Philippines TV Ads

Places like this make me sick.
A/C on, computer on, wits off.
Cigs lit, zeal extinguished.
I need sunshine.
Long talks, long walks, long islands.
I've grown fat.
My back is fat and my face is fat and my paranoia is fed by the weighing scale.
Every day.
Turn off the lights, light up the candle, and keep the music playing.
And let me lashes flutter until they settle down with the slumber that I hope visits me in less than five minutes.

Quote of the Day
"What is important is to keep learning, to enjoy challenge, and to tolerate ambiguity. In the end there are no certain answers."
– Matina Horner

When I first came here and tasted the impeccable balance of freedom and responsibility, I thought I made the right decision.
Away from everyone, I found it so convenient to move around a place where hardly anyone knew me. I could start anew and tell all my loved ones back home about the progress I was making.
It was so easy to send an email or phone someone and tell them about my achievements and desires and fears. It was so easy to feel vulnerable, because I showed my weakness to people I just met, people who didn't mind me feeling this way.
All of a sudden, in the latter part of this year, some events caused me to rethink my stay in Dubai. Don't get me wrong, Dubai has given so much, so much more than I expected. However I realized that it has also been taking from me.
Friendships have not been the same as before.
And I don't know how to make them work again.
SOme people can carry on without even thinking about friends. They just come and go and if they get lucky they bump into an old friend, and have a pint with them.
Well I want lasting friendships. I want my friends back.
Friends who listen to me and keep me and consider me family.
I guess I also fear change. Change in people that will make them feel differently towards me. And I deny that I have changed myself, but in doing so I did not only show how much I've changed but expressed a complete lie.
I have changed. It sucks, but I can't unchange and that sucks even more.

In an attempt to think more clearly and without the influence of alcohol, I stayed in bed all Friday until it was finally time to get up and socialize.
It took me ages to find a taxi, and I would never have found one if it weren't for my good old friend who, despite depriving me of vanilla ice cream and a nice afternoon by the beach, was dependable in times of desperation.
I was an hour late for the bean bag night out with my officemates. Hoda and Ussama were there, and then Anjjelo followed. A few drinks, and the live band's performance made the evening a relaxed one. By midnight I had managed to drag Anjjelo and Ussama to the karaoke bar for more drinks and a few songs.

I found out from the waitress, now one of my trusted friends, that he had left an hour ago. And he was all alone. That was the break I needed. It would have been the easiest way to chat him up without looking like a tart. He was there, I was there, the place was practically empty and it was almost logical to talk to each other. But no, I had to be stupid and wander around Dubai, to a place other than my first love.
Ok so I missed him, by sixty minutes. While I was having a bland vodka cranberry, he was by himself at the bar, trying to have fun even without his mates.
But I decided not to worry about it too much. Perhaps we were not meant to know each other better. Maybe the stars just prevented another heartache, another unnecessary disappointment that would lead to the fall of my self-esteem. And believe me it would take an army of cheerleaders and loads of beauty products and treatments to boost it again.

So I almost surrendered by feelings to fate. If it's not meant to be,
khalas. It's fine. There will be more men out there, maybe cuter, or friendlier, or more compatible with me. And I let fate win, without even throwing a punch at it.

There was something else going on simultaneously with that Me VS Fate episode. There's this guy who found me randomly and wanted to pursue me. Most of the things that come from his mouth are the usual let-me-love-you stuff, and I bet he thinks of me as a me-love-you-long-time girl. He has some very good qualities I'm sure, but I have yet to discover them. I don't even know if this person is serious. He probably calls a dozen girls and just wastes their love away. But there is no harm in saying yes to dinner. I'd rather go on a dinner date that would predictably flop than sit alone either at home or in the office as the evening drags along. And a dinner date is an excellent way to find out if you are both on the same mental wavelength. Never mind his sincerity, that can be judged later on. I believe that once two people have discovered that they have the same thinking about life and humanity and love and other universal things, previously unknown feelings arise and the possibility of affection suddenly enter the picture. So let me see. And if fate plays a part again.. oh well it's a clever sonuvabitch, so I guess I'll have to just agree with what it wants.

And no, I am not tired yet. After three relationships and a few assholes, I am still alive and kicking and willing and able to participate in what I'd like to think as the quest for the perfect karaoke and life partner. And I know I will not find him tomorrow, and I might find a few unfit souljas before he comes along. Well, bring it on. I have so much to give, and I have so much energy to keep the fight. I am just a few days over 25. My eggs aren't even ripe yet and my breasts are still perky (these small bumps can't possibly sag), and I don't need a facelift yet, thank you very much.

I guess I just want to express my eagerness to meet new people and get to know them better. It's challenging. It keeps me alive, it excites me, it adds spice to my life.

It's been a bad day and it's partly my fault.
Crap.

Ever had one of those days when you always have something up your nose?
You cleaned your nostrils in the morning and you were fine.
You didn't have a cold or anything that could possibly clog those two tiny holes.
Well today is an ordinary day except I feel like the queen of snot.

Quote of the Day
"When you get into a tight place and it seems that you can't go on, hold on — for that's just the place and the time that the tide will turn."
– Harriet Beecher Stowe

I watched a few segments of Fox New on YouTube and I could not believe how biased that TV station is. I would think kissing George Bush's ass is part of their duties and responsibilities. They invite people like radio talk show host Stephanie Miller, a devout democrat, and two republican pricks and ignite an argument about whether American soldiers should have been sent to Iraq in the first place, and whether the war was valid at all. I don't give a hoot about issues in the States, but I would just like to express my alam at those people who have the audacity to show their faces on camera and have no problems with telling America -- and the rest of the world effectively -- that Muslims are terrorists and they are out to get Americans. Although my experience in Dubai has not been the best, I respect the laws of this country and see the advantages of being in a place where religion and government are one. The leaders are not corrupt and the place is ever-progressing. There is enough religious tolerance to accommodate hundreds of nationalities, and there are so many opportunities brought about by the growing economy. I know that some Muslims have tainted the name of Islam to pet their own egos, but not all Muslims blast buildings and cut off heads. Most Muslims I know are compassionate and eager to learn about others' beliefs and customs. It is not fair for some money-making news channel that considers itself objective and hard-hitting (when it's really a bunch of crap) to lambaste a religion. They haven't sat down with people from the Middle East and have not bothered to see the beauty in the people they call terrorists. I can see why people hate America. Good thing only a handful of them are demented, or else that country would have been blown to shreds.

Today I interviewed one of the most powerful men in this place.
It felt good to exchange a few words with him.
I'd like to think I didn't fight for that interview, but that was not the case.
His haughty publicist told me to wait, and I was almost sure it was a smirk that formed around her mouth and not wrinkles. Both are equally bad anyway.
I waited for a few minutes and decided to approach another lady, a very nice one.
She made me wait a couple of minutes, and led me to the conference room where I joined a handful of journalists in a mini press conference.
It was another milestone for me, thanks to the nice lady.
She didn't know how important that interview was to me.
That soundbyte made my story a good one. Though I believe it could have been improved if only I had a one-to-one interview with the VIP, which will never happen, it was all right.
I asked a few good questions. I had very few facts in mind, but I knew what I wanted from him, and I was determined to get it.
As for that lady with I'M PRETENDING TO BE BOSS written all over her face, hope you age faster than I can say "good PR".

I spent four hours in French Connection alone yesterday.
I had my afternoon coffee, a big meal, and an even bigger appetite for pouring out my thoughts.
I wrote in my journal and was able to fill 20 pages. 20 pages of botteld up emotions, random thoughts, self-justification, things to do, things I have done, things I will never do, things I wanted to mention but didn't have any significance in my life whatsoever.
I wrote with absolutely no regard for grammar and no courtesy for others.
The moment was mine and the pen was my servant.
At 4 PM I stood up, paid my bill and walked on Sheikh Zayed like I used to do when I still lived in Satwa.
It was the best walk I had in months.
It was an aimless walk that, ironically, inspired me to think.

This Friday is mine.

I like how I spent my Friday.
Minimal contact with other people.
Peaceful, quiet.
In bed all day, under no pressure to go somewhere.
I kept myself entertained by watching Louis Theroux stuff on YouTube.
I was able to catch up with Mama and old friends.
After an intense night of binge drinking and letting myself go, I think I deserved this time alone. And I am thankful that I can afford to make one whole day free to reconnect with myself.
I had a busy week, staying out late and working more hours than usual.

Plus I totally emptied my wallet last night.
I had too much fun and a little buzzed and at that point, I justified my being a big spender by thinking life is all about having fun. If money could buy fun for a night, hell I'd pay as much as it takes to keep me entertained.
And this morning when I woke up desperately looking for any kind of painkiller, I realized if I kept the kind of attitude I had last night, I might as well be getting male hookers off the streets.

So today was a much needed break for me just to recondition my mind and let my hyped up senses simmer, and just chill.
Oddly enough, just by staying in bed with the sheets all wrinkled,stinky breath and all, a lot of things suddenly popped in my head and clarified themselves without me putting any effort into it.
I was staring at the ceiling and suddenly I thought about how broke I was going to be if I kept on heeding my material desires, which are not many really. Then again my funds are too limited for me to even have the right to crave anything fancier than a pen, so I can call myself a journalist.

And the thing about these well-deserved rest days is, I don't feel guilty at all, For being a slob. For holding my pee because I'm too lazy to go to the toilet. For just surfing the net endlessly. For admiring George Clooney so much it brought tears to my eyes. For being such a nut. A stinky one.

Tomorrow is going to be a bit different. I have to go to the bank and shop for food and things like that. Darn. But I am definitely going to make sure that this day will be remembered, and repeated in the very near future.

God I sooo understand why introverts think they're not losers at all. Theirs is such a cool world. I can just imagine how ecstatic hermits must be.

I am an extrovert, I need people around me, but I've also been a tired piece of junk and I need to repair myself. I know I will not like this for a lifestyle, but a whole day of idleness surely was the most productive I've had in a long time.

I'm waiting for someone to just freak me out.
It seems to me that people get more boring and uninspired.
Is it because I'm getting old? Or maybe Dubai is not as colorful as Manila.
Not as complicated, vile, unpredictable, gay, perverted and sponstaneous as Dubai.
So no one can really freak me out. Not a Pakistani near the beach holding his willy while looking at hot white girls. Not a taxi driver trying to cop a feel.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So will someone just freak me out, electricute me and burn my senses.
Spill your drink, take my hand, let's board a plane in the next five minutes.
Let's not stop feeling!

Last night I met the prettiest boy on the planet.
Good thing I now have better social skills and have managed to dispose of my retarded gene, after talking to him I still got myself to carry on with my work.
Under very crucial circusmtances where a split second could mean the end of me.
He would probably make the best boyfriend in the whole world, because.
Ok back to work.
I like him.

Japanese Commercial with BALLS! Unbelievable!!!

Funny Asian girls (korean)

Crazy Asian Karaoke

ON ESCAPING

My obsession with going away on a holiday definitely has something to do with the fact that I have never been anywhere else. Yes, I was born in Manila, have seen a few places in Luzon, went to Visayas once, and moved to Dubai to choose and stick to a career. I went to Oman for the birthday and flew to Iran for a visa change, but that's about it. I feel like the world is getting smaller and smaller, yet I can't even see another part of it.

First of all, my funds are very limited. I have responsibilities and need to feel secure by having just enough in my bank account. I can't think like a backpacker. I'm not one. I have to make sure that by the time I'm back to work, I will be able to have enough to eat and pay my rent. Let's face it. At the end of the day there's really no one who could support me financially but myself, like any other boring individual. Sometimes I wish my father made a million dollars so I wouldn't have to go to work, or I were a moron who couldn't care less about medical insurance or bills or a decent career.

Every holiday is hard to plan, and every move is calculated. Everything is indefinite, because even before I picture myself in a postcard, the preparations are already stressing me out. But it is finally almost here, and I can't wait. Hopefully, my first real vacation will be an exciting one and worth the eternal wait.

SWAPPING DIGNITY FOR DOLLARS by James Bennett

I saw this article on www.ArabianBusiness.com and I thought it was a great read. The website is quite brave to publish articles on issues like this one.

And what about this gem? "So we've had Media City, Internet City and Knowledge Village, I've had a little thought about what the city needs next. What do you think about spending tens of millions on Chess City, where each building is a chess piece? People would love it don't you think?" a now-redundant architect who is today serving up BigMacs in a drive-thru once proposed to a distinctly unimpressed town planner. It happens all the time. Sadly money talks but quite often it seems to talk far louder than common sense.

This week, however, has seen the phrase ‘shocking business decisions' taken to an all-time low. In an astonishing move where I had to do a triple take after reading the story on ArabianBusiness.com, a company run by a member of Qatar's ruling family is investing US$1.5bn in Zimbabwe to build an oil refinery and a five-star hotel.

And even more incredibly, it has openly admitted to not being concerned about the country's political and economic crisis. The West meanwhile, despite sitting back and just watching a human crisis unfold from the comfort of their governmental leather armchairs, has at least shunned and imposed sanctions on Zimbabwe's president Robert Mugabe for his alleged crimes against humanity and driving his country and his people into what will be seen in future years as the most rapid disintegration yet of a modern nation-state.

He faces charges of torture, brutality, violent land seizures and the murder and disappearance of opposition. I can think of someone else who faced similar charges, and he was dragged to the hangman's noose.

None of this seems to have bothered the member of the Qatari Royal Family happy to do business with the monster that is Mugabe.

I suggest the rest of Qatar - particularly its more level-headed rulers - put a stop to this deal. Otherwise, Qatar's attempt to be seen as a serious international financial player, with designs on buying global supermarket giants and prime real estate, could become politically charged.

Like it or not, whoever is behind the deal, it reflects badly on the whole of Qatar. Basic common sense says you do not build a luxury hotel in Harare, where people lie starving in the streets due to chronic food shortages, and the rate of inflation stands at a world-topping 6600%. It is sickeningly unethical.

Quite how anyone can blatantly ignore Mugabe's years of deliberate disregard for human nature and his own people, and instead swap dignity for dollars, is beyond comprehension.

Running the world - Jarvis Cocker

My Boil Part 2

I can’t believe how people can take boils so lightly.
I don’t know about other boil patients out there, but mine is extremely painful and my spine suffers because I can only sit in two, three ways, and I can’t even sit in a chair without wincing.
Plus it looks disgusting. I take a pee and there it is, it all its pus-filled glory.
It’s my body’s very own version of a breath-taking landscape, an active volcano in the middle of a lush garden.
Only in my body can that ever take place.

Cibo Matto made me realize one thing: he knows his chicken.

I've got to know my chicken.

My Boil

Hi there, I have a boil.
On my left butt cheek.
I've never had one before.
It's painful, it's burning like hell, and it's growing like a well-fed preschooler.
It started when I got bitten by something last weekend, and I didn't even bother to scratch it because it didn't hurt.
After a few days I revisited by "buns" and found a big red volcano ready to explode.
I googled "boils treatment" on the internet and I found out all I needed was heat application.
Just when everyone is planning to go to the beach, here I am observing my boil.
I can't even move in my chair. Ouch.

It seems vodka cranberry has become my most trusted friend this week, hearing secrets and witnessing dismal images that should never ever be told to anyone else.

Vodka cranberry has been cooperative, and it's kept mum while secretly pushing me to be myself in front of people I've never opened up to before.

Hic.

Markets. Currencies. Figures.
Give me a bullfrog and some sleeping pills.

A TOAST.
To not staining the white sofa.
To not angering the cat.
To not puking.
To not getting bored.
To not having sex tonight.
Cheers!

No Doubt -- Hamburg -- Marry Me (live)

Garbage - Tell Me Where It Hurts (HQ)

Rain

I miss the rain.

The countless cups of hot chocolate I've had here are meaningless and uninspiring without the raindrops knocking on the window, urging me to wonder about things. Things. Anything. This and that. And then the creativity would follow and I would be able to write a song or come up with a way to spend the rest of my day.

When I go out, I don't have to worry about my dress getting wet, and where to put my umbrella when I'm finally at the restaurant. I don't have to worry about taxis rejecting me because of the heavy traffic and the flood. But I miss being challenged by the weather. I miss insisting on going somwhere even when the radio says it's Signal Number 2. Now I can go out, brush the sand off my shoes and go about my business, but then everything ends up so dry. Literally.

Rain is something I need right now. The sun here is blinding, and the air conditioning makes everyone a little colder than they already are. Rain is just perfect. Stay inside and you're warm. Brave it and you're tickled and refreshed.

Three long months of dryness. Three more months. Can't wait.

This could be anything.
This could be just a temporary settlement.
This could be a test of my dwindling patience.
This could be the first date I wanted to have after a few hundreds in the past.
This could be a joke that I don’t get.
This could be a dirty idea that I never let go of.
This could be my bullfrog, so stop drinking it.
This could be a lot, so don’t let me keep you.
This could be one evening that will never happen again.
This could be your happiest moment. Well I hate it.
This could be your ego talking.
This could be my ego shutting your ego up.
This could be the guy I wanted to marry.
This could be the guy who wanted to sue me.
This could be the mall I wanted to shop in.
This could be the place I wanted to live in.
This could be the man who did me wrong.
This could be the ring tone that will save my life.
This could be the fancy car I will never ever ride.
This could be home, but I highly doubt it.
This could be you, only it’s me.
This could be anything.

We are finally moving to International City tomorrow. It all wokred out for the best, and as Ethel put it, we have to see the brighter side of things. It's an exciting neighborhood and many people are moving there. It's quiet and pretty and we have a spacious new room and I can't wait to have a bubble bath once evetyhing is sorted out.

This kind of change drives me nuts. I don't ever want to deal with this kind of thing again, but I suppose that would be impossible.

This is where I wrote my very first blog entry in Dubai. When I walked into this place again after more than a year, the memories were so clear that thinking about them gave me a headache. This is where I met my first friend in a city which I later on learned was as hostile as it was welcoming.

The pressures at work and at home made me think of hibernating here. I will always come back to this place and see my friend whenever I can. Unfortunately, it will soon be occupied by its new owner, and all the things precious and real will gradually fade as new memories are made here, memories that do not mean anything to me.

I feel that it is unfair to just run away and hide from everything. Eventually I will have to face my present problems. But for now, I want to cherish everything about this place, to feel how I felt when I first arrived here, to have the consolation I can't find anywhere else.

I am annoyed at myself for being like this. But seemingly happy people like me need this time to be alone and think. I hope to get out of this slump as soon as possible, but if I don't, I will forgive myself.

SO help me God.

I got an email from Cookie and it was all I needed to brighten my day.
Cookie is one of my friends who tell it like it is. Nothing is too complicated or hard for her, because she always goes back to basics, and I'm glad she reminded me of MY fundamentals. There is really no problem that I cannot solve. I'm great, I'm a kickass gigolo pretending to be a girl. I'm worried that I might be losing my luster in an environment that doesn't encourage much creativity. In Manila, being surrounded by a bunch of sinful creatures made me think out of the box, made me witty and smart and inspired. I don't think there's much room for that here. I mean there's literally no room for me here. In thirty days we need to move out. I know I don't make much sense and this doesn't qualify as a blog entry, but this is how I feel. Sue me.

PS I watched Evan Almighty last night and aside form getting a stomach ache from laughing too hard, I realized how God gives us opportunities to get what we wish for. And everyday I think I'm going through the motions, but each challenge, each action, each destination is really an opportunity for me. What kind, I would never know, but I know that something wonderful will happen. Soon. Don't ask me when.

If there is one thing I need to learn more, it would be crisis management.
Things happen at once and my world stops faster than you can say "wimp".

We are being asked to move out because according to the landlord we are not a family. Never mind the fact that we are the only Filipinos in the building.
And then a couple of giant zits appear on my fat cheeks out of nowhere, just when I desperately need clear skin for work.
And finally, the icing on the cake, my precious phone is showing signs of disdain towards me and deliberately hangs when I'm about to reply to a potential date.

What a fun life.

Ethel reminded me how much of a worry wart I was and I absolutely agreed with her. I know that I will spend the rest of my life fighting fear, that is inevitable, but I should really take one step forward and at least face the music rather than watch a bunch of DVDs to kill time. Or buy some. Or stop it altogether.

I feel that I am the most unfortunate girl in town, and I know I shouldn't, but a few hassles in life happening during my time of the month are too much. Under normal circumstances I would just get a fucking haircut, ugly or otherwise just to have some distraction. Or I would buy myself a nice dress. But part of the problem is, I am broke. I am stingy and I am broke, so that leaves me with... uh let me guess.... zero balance.

I am finally getting a bank account, finally finally finally. I hope to high heavens that it will not be empty soon, and that I will slowly get out of this financial, emotional, mental, celestial and olfactory slump I am in.

Let me smile again, get the stink out of my life again, be a normal person again without anything to worry about. Of course that is not possible in this lifetime, which brings me back to my need of crisis management skills.

I haven't really resolved anything by writing it out, have I?

Well I hope you read this and realized how lucky you are.

Ciao.

Which Office Character Are You?
	You are part Michael. Deep down, you are caring and good-natured, but you often express yourself in insensitive ways. Though you always try your hardest to make your talents be seen, you could use a little more self-awareness to avoid being awkward.
	You are part Jim. You are personable, easy-going, and always socially aware. Your great sense of humor and impishness soften the blow of what might otherwise be a dark, cutting cynicism.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

25

I had such a fun time today.
My friends came over for lunch.
Obet cooked.
Then we all went to Hibiki to sing.
And I sang the songs I wanted to sing, not the ones I thought people would appreciate.
Because whether I admit it not, I'd be lying if I said I'd been singing what I wanted for the past couple of months at the karaoke bar.
I guess I wanted to sound good, and with that attitude the fun would stop.
So I decided to raise hell with a song called What's Up by 4Non Blondes.
Didn't care if I sounded like an old hag trying to do country.
Oh well I am an old hag. At least I feel like one.

I am 25. Pretty young if you ask me.
It's just that there are a few things that pushed me to be scared of growing old.
Aging. Aging is the word.
I would hate to see the day when my breasts aim for the floor and my wrinkles are tree branches embossed on my face.
I would hate to see my libido go, my zealous take on life take a backseat, and my love for single life turn into a big desperate call for help in the love department.

There. Now I can sleep peacefully. Good night.

Quote of the Day

"The Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn't count; building arks does."
– Warren Buffett

Interesting weekend.

In two days I lost my phone and I realized I misplaced my passport.

I am tired.

When one's birthday rolls around, situations create themselves to test the celebrant.

In my case, fate is probably fed up with me and telling me to grow up and be less of a ditz.

Or maybe I am just thinking that it's hard to lose things, the things that are supposed to make up my identity. Passport, phone. I'm thinking I can't function without them.

The truth is though, these are the times that test my real identity. Me stripped of the means to communicate with everyone else and proof of the validity of my existence in a foreign place. How I deal with these petty losses will help me make up my opinion of myself, rather than rely on material things that dictate who I am. I am more than a green booklet and a mobile phone. I am a person who is capable of reacting to tough situations with sound solutions. I can handle this.

Just don't let me lose this computer.

My Wish List

It took the help of three high school classmates for me to make an email account. I only found out the benefits of the internet when I was in college. I'm the kind of person who doesn't back up, renew anti-virus programs or know how to send a file via blue tooth. I still have a journal, apart from this blog that I painstakingly created two years ago in Manila. Even the word techie seems new to me, even though I've been hearing people use it all the time for years. I want to gradually make my way into the 21st century and kill my ignorance. And what better way to do that than have wish list made up of techie stuff? You might think that the following gadgets are ancient, but they are new to me and I find it absurd to purchase them myself. Save me from this quicksand of technology cluelessness and graciously consider buying them for me.

Please.

1. A flash drive. Preferrably 2 GB. I don't even know if that's what you call it, but I need it as soon as possible. It's enough to store all my files in my laptop, which I I have a feeling will give up any given minute.

2. A better wifi detector. Or is it adaptor? Find out. You see, my laptop is tired and old, and I'm the only person in the flat with crappy internet connection. As I write this, this ugly thing is blinking rapidly, desperately searching for connection. So figure out what this thing is called and give it to me on my birthday.

3. A memory stick for my phone. I believe it can take as much as 1 GB and sooner or later I will have to use it, with all the pictures and songs I plan to store in my mobile phone.

4. A digital camera. I want a digital camera. Needless to say, I am a picture monster and I need to document every single drunken minute of my karaoke life. Plus it will be useful for work.

5. My battery-operated friend Totoy. I left him at the airport for fear that it might get confiscated. I left it with Kath, and I hope she will take good care of it. It's my very own version of the Tamagochi. It kept me company, but never hurt me. It didn't bite, didn't require any form of care, and was ever-dependable. I am not crazy enough to ask anyone to give me a new friend, because Totoy will always be Totoy. But if they give me a new one I already have a name for him: Bruno.

This is a tough time for me.
I think turning 25 sucks and I don't have the ability to turn back time.
Turn back time. Aqua and I have got to have a chat over beer.
Gone are the days when dancing and singing were all I cared about.
Now I have to make sure I am going somewhere, and I have to get there fast.
Or else time will pass me by and I would never be able to tell what went wrong.

I have TROUBLED TWENTY SOMETHING written all over my forehead.
But I can still smile, no worries.
I can still laugh, no biggie.
I can still work hard enough to get a pay check that pays my bills and feeds me.
it's not much but it's what I have for now and what I have for now matters.

I'm going to bed.

(Not to hell.)

I want to be here.

I hate myself for thinking too much.
These days I find myself wondering why I love this industry so much.
I could just be selling cars or weaving abaca baskets.
Why do I love the filth, the politics, the crazy shit I have to go through in order to put up every bulletin?

I tried other jobs. I was a call center agent, I was a receptionist, I was a small-time entrepreneur. They left me dry and desperate and incredibly lonely, like I was on my way to hell and the only thing that could save me was a job in TV.
Even an active dating life wouldn't make me smile. Not quite.

Now I have a job that doesn't pay much, with no boundaries in responsibilities, and doesn't pay me for extra hours, but I am willing to stay just to see if the ship will sink, continue to float aimlessly, or finally get where the captain wants to go.

And the only time I will stop is when I've had enough of it. Or when they say "Zeena, you suck at your job, go tend sheep or wipe old people's asses." I have so many things to discover, so many things to learn, so many things to do before I can finally say that I am ready to quit this shit.

I want this.
I want this.
I want this.

Mother, who am I?

Hello God!

Before going out on a date this evening I had a brief online chat with one of my aunts. It was a short but very meaningful conversation, something that lingered on my mind even after we logged off. She advised me to keep on praying and not do anything she won't be proud of. So I was putting my gypsy outfit and applying the usual shades of make up on my big fat face until my date came to pick me up, and I was still thinking about what she said. It was so simple, just commonsense really, but nevertheless it was the kind of thing I forget the most, so it was refreshing to have someone remind me about it, someone I truly trust.

I carried on with my date, and over three courses of fondue, we got around to talking about religion. On dates, I had always hidden the fact that my family, although never always together, prays together. I didn't quite like being thought of as a church girl or a Jesus fanatic. However this evening it was different. He said he was an agnostic, and under normal circumstances the talk about religion would just end with me nodding my head submissively. But I actually went the other direction, and I am so happy to have finally said it --- I love my God. I love Him for the world. I don't know if his name is really Jesus, or if he has a beard, or if he can really save my life, but I know that he listens to me, because when I turn to Him, I always end up feeling better and empowered. He is my God and no one else's. He's the kind of friend who doesn't really answer me but I can feel his support in so many levels. And towards the end of my little speech, as the chocolate fondue hardened, my date flashed a bright smile of genuine acceptance.

We went for a walk and talked about other things, like rock pools and water beds and the Moulin Rouge and Bawadi and desalination plants. We didn't go back to religion, but my faith stayed where it was. I may not be the kind of person who shows how I worship my God, but I truly do and I want to explore our relationship rather than start one with a horny earthling. I'm not talking about my date, just men in general.

So anyway he took me home, and we thanked each other the nice dinner and conversation, we said good night, and I said hello to my God. I'm back on track and I'll try not to lose my way again.

I’ve told myself time and again that I will not waste my life worrying. But every single day I find myself doing just that. Marvelous.

Worrying is a sign that I have so much fear in me, and that’s exactly what I want to get rid of. I used to be so fearless, so carefree, so hell-to-the-world-I’ll set-you-on-fire. Now I seem to have lost my luster. Is it Dubai? Is it adulthood? Is it the enormous amount of pressure on me at work? I have no idea.

And so I go and debate my singleness and my fatness and my loneliness. And I know that it’s not right to feel this way, I have been extremely lucky and I am in no position to complain. I’m not complaining. Just keeping it all in. That’s even worse.

What I want is to stop worrying. Stop worrying about my housemates and the laundry. Stop worrying if I am wearing such a sucky outfit. Stop worrying about the internet connection. Stop worrying about romantic connection… anyway in the end I always find out there is none.

What I also want is to make the most of my life. Not anyone else’s. I also find myself letting go, giving up things just to resolve conflicts. Well, I realized I am going to be indifferent, to the point of retardation. Lucky spazmos, they don’t need to be understood. Because they’re literally crazy, and I am just a nut. People ignore them and still love them without expecting anything of them. People can say I am just a nut, not completely crazy, and I have no excuse to treat life like a candy bar.

I can't wait.
Push the fast forward button so I can go home.
The feeling of longing is intoxicating.
I need to not be in my right mind so I can endure waiting a few more months.
Or else I would attempt to fly all the way to Manila.
Dubai has given me so much and I don't deny that.
But Manila is heaven. It is home.
Plus it's more fun to get drunk there.
I can crawl on the streets and not be arrested.
I can puke in the cab without fear of being called a slag. Which I am not.
When I go home I will drink and be merry.
And be very very drunk.

nothing else to do

Starting Time: 12:!3

Name: Zeena Celine Zalamea

Sisters: Zoe!!!

Brothers: 0

Shoe size: 6

Height: 5'2"

what are u wearing?: pajamas with holes and an old shirt with more holes

Favorite Number: 21

Favorite Drink: bullfrog


Favorite Month: December

Favorite Breakfast: cereal

***Have You Ever

Broken a bone: never

Been in a police car: never

Been on a boat: yeah going to Galera and Boracay...

Came close to dying: once, twice

Swam in the ocean: only near the shore

Fallen asleep in school: yes in college

Broken someone's heart: i am not sure

Cried when someone died: yes

Fell off your chair: yes a couple of times

Sat by the phone..waiting for someone to
call? Not literally but yes, I waited for lots of phone calls that didn't come.

Saved emails?: all the time

Been cheated on: I think so. Don't guys do that all the time?

cheated on the test: a couple of times

***What is-

Your room like?:a nice quiet abode shared with Sherry and Ethel

Whats right beside you?: wall

What is the last thing you ate?:
a bagel

---Ever Had---

Chicken pox: yep.

Sore throat: yes

Stitches: yes, I was big fan when I was a kid

Broken nose: thank God never
---Do You---

Like picnics?
- Love them, especially with nice friends.

Like School?
- I love it more now that it's over. I miss it.

---Questions---

Who was the last person you danced
with: Sherry I think at Hibiki

Who makes you smile?
- nice emails from family and friends

---Who---

Did you last yell at: Mahmoud for being so late.

Do you like yourself?
- Yes most of the time

---Final Questions---

What are you listening to right now?
- my self typing away

Hated someone in your family?
- My dad

What car do you wish to have?
- Oddly, I don't wish to have one at the moment.

Good singer:
-fabulous. Not necessarily great, but fabulous.

Diamond or pearl?
- diamonds

Indoors or outdoors:
- indoors .. it's freaking hot outside!

---Today did you---

1. Talk to someone you like?
- yes

2. Who?
- some guy

3. Get sick?
- yes, I didn't go to work.

4. Sing:
- I do. Every single Thursday.

5. Talked to an ex:
- not recently


---Last person who---

7. Was in your bed besides you:
Jen gueco

8. Talked to on the phone?
- Ria

10. Went to the movies with?
- Sherry, Ethel and friends. Harry Pottah!

went to the mall with:
- i went by myself today

12.Been to Europe:
- never

13. Been to Asia:
- yes I actually live there

14.been to Russia:
- never

15.Been to the Bahamas:
- no no no no

18. Been to Mexico:
- will you take me?

19. Been to Canada:
- no but I want to

20. Been to U.S.:
-yes to see my aunts!!!

---Random---

21. Do you like someone at
the moment:
- well no one in particular

22. What books are you reading
right now?
- something by monica ali... i think it's called Alentejo Blue

23. Best feeling in the world:
- love. what else?

24. Future kids names:
-I haven't really thought about that.

25. Do you sleep with a
stuffed animal:
- no. I do sleep like an animal though.

Time Finished: 12:26

Radiohead - Nobody Does It Better

It’s been crazy at work.
I won’t have a weekend, and it’s my choice.
Choosing to work over the weekend means choosing not do to other stupid things.
It means choosing to behave and stay in a place where I am safe, and I will go home and sleep soundly, without horrible nightmares.
It means I can wake up the next morning with only bad breath to worry about.
It means not being afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, because in the long run that comfort zone will eat me alive and I will end up feeling lonely.
I can assure you that.

i love change. and i don't mean nickels and dimes.

I am finally in my new place.
Comfortable, and Sherry and Ethel were extremely helpful.
I can be picked up late and still make it to work on time.

This isn't so hard.
Change isn't so bad.

True, I am just adjusting.
Adjusting as in always sleeping later and never minding what I wear to work and getting used to just being in my little corner and vomitting at work.
Change is stressful.
Better than not moving at all.
Better than just keeping still, trying to fight the forces that will make me grow.

So Sheryl Crow wasn't just hoping to make money by writing that song that goes "A change would do you good..." She really meant it. I think.

Sometimes it hurts to think that people have to change so much in this lifetime.
It hurts because it means saying lots of goodbyes and always adjusting to new things and always trying to fit in and stop doing things they love.

But as long as I have myself, still breathing and in one piece, change won't harm me.
Not in the long run. If anything, it will strengthen me.
I do think that with so many changes in my life, when I'm 30 I'll be able to fly.
Or drive a truck.

Whichever comes handy first.

Aids Awareness French Campaign (Straight Version)

Aids Awareness French Campaign (Gay Version)

friends' sites

I got an invite from Danica. She wanted to add me to her friends list on a site called StumbleUpon. How many invites do I get to join these silly sites. Hi5, Zorpia, Facebook, LinkedIn, freaking Eskwela. I used to be a big fan of these sites that were suppsed to get you more friends and make you popular, but guess what, I've stopped joining. Friendster is all I need. Friendster got me intro trouble, but also saved my life, and made me discover stuff that I wouldn't find out if not for the excellent friends networking service it's got. It also cracks me up, when I browse and see how my old friends have become. Anyway my point is, I don't need new friends, or new friends' sites. I am ok with Friendster's services. And no freaking friends site ever had true friends for members. They're usually fly-by-night predators who think they're hot stuff. Even on Friendster, they have demons. But that site's my turf and I can handle them. And even if I couldn't, I have enough real-life friends to turn to. Thank you.

Ok that didn't make sense at all.

awesome

Here's a list of aaaawesome things I've done (or been doing) in Dubai so far.
You can call them rubbish. I call them accomplishments.
A real boost to my sore ego.

1. A monologue at the Philippine Independence Day

2. Varicose veins treatment

3. Weekend karaoke, VIP treatment

4. Dated a guy who said goodbye in a text message (that's awesome, everyone has to experience that at least once in their lives. it makes you stronger. literally. i can now lift a 5 galon water bottle and slam it into the water dispenser without injuring myself.)

5. Voice a police report on a news program

6. Poop in a mall

7. Dance with a stripper

8. Buy a lunch bag. I've never bought a lunch bag in Manila.

9. Ignore PMS. No one's gonna save me from it, so might as well act as if it's not there. And voila, I feel 100 times more miserable.

10. Moving out. I need to save money. It may well be the hardest thing I've had to do here, because change stresses me out and makes my hair fall off. And this is some major change.

Ok hope to add a few more thing to this list in the near future.

Foward, always forward.

not guilty

Very very tiring weekend. June is killing me. Good thing it's ending on the weekend, then I can face July with vigor and ... um, freshness.

I am going to miss this house and I can't stress that enough. Last night my friends were here for Eve's shower party. There were naughty games, and a cute male stripper. I tried to be as quiet as possible, closed the window curtains and turned off the lights and kept everyone under control. I thought Colin's friend Mal was asleep, so I thought closing the door to the hall upstairs was enough to give him peace and quiet. But no, it turned out he was out and was just coming home when we were at the peak of partying, and he just had to walk in on me dancing with the stripper. Why was it me, at that particular minute? I didn't want him to think I was tarting around because I really wasn't, that's just what girls do at bridal showers, and this was my FIRST time to attend one. Anyway it was kind of him to congratulate Eve and go straight to bed.

I woke up this morning at 10 and went straight to watch episodes of The Office. Coincidentally there was an episode with a bridal shower and a stag party, and I guess it doesn't help that Mal walked in on me watching a female stripper dance for Steve Carell. The worse thing was, I acted guilty even when I wasn't. But he is a nice guy, like all of Colin's friends and I'm sure he won't take it against me. Hey, I showed him where the detergent was and I gave him advice on throwing out the garbage.

Oh hell. Can June just end.

three shits

Last Tuesday I had dinner with Mike, my ex-flatmate. It was our first time to really catch up and I had a nice time with him. We talked about his love life, and I asked him about his plans to salvage it (or kill it), and my love life, which sounded silly after hearing about his heart break. Mine sounded like a scene from Flames. His sounded like a smashing Hollywood hit that can move people to tears. It may even involve gunfire and a big scandal at an airport or something.

We got tired of talking about THAT aspect of our lives and so we moved on to religion, which wasn’t so bad. I told him my mother sent me a Bible, and I started reading it and it slowly made my nightmares go away. But that didn’t stop me from creating my own nightmares, and they’re worse because I have to deal with them every waking minute of my life. I hope they stop though. I have to stop first, I guess.



I am also very apprehensive about moving out, and nobody knows this but it’s been bothering me and it’s been on my mind for days and nights. I will miss my room and I will miss everyone who ever lived in that villa (from Colin onwards of course). And I will miss Sheikh Zayed and Dyafah and Crowne Plaza .

Also I think I have a lot of issues that I cannot share with anyone else, and I feel so heavy keeping them inside me. I am ashamed, discontented, out of control and a lot more. IT doesn’t help that I haven’t been talking to my mother for a very long time. More than a week now I think. More than two. Hearing her voice always gives me comfort and strength, two things I need more than anything else. Not even a date with a nice guy would do. No no no.

The good news is, I am very optimistic about my future. God always manages to pull me out of a slump by sending someone to tell me some fabulous news. So it’s always like shit shit shit, yahoo! That’s the formula, to put it in very basic terms. Things get screwed up three times, and just when I am expecting a fourth fuck-up, things fall into place. This morning I had my yahoo already, and with a little help from friends and some episodes of The Office, I’m so ready for the three shits.


Three shits anyone!

awful

I feel terrible.
I figured it’s because today I have made a very hard decision and it breaks my heart.
I have decided to move out. I love the villa, its location and Colin and Carolynn and other people who lived in it, and I have gotten along with them and they’ve been my family.
But if I stayed there I wouldn’t have any savings. I suppose I can still visit them all.
I suppose I can still drop by and say hi and eat their leftovers.
I will miss my usual place in the internet café (dining table), and the way I never move for hours just going on the internet.
I will miss having wine with them and having one of those special dinners.
I will miss the bath tub and my time alone.

I know that it will be great moving in with Sherry and Ethel, because they’re friends and it’s much cheaper and the place is just five minutes away from work.
And of course I love them and I am thankful that they are making sense of the things I do, because at this point in my life I don’t have time to stop and think about anything.
Work just sucks up all my energy.

Anyway I am not very good with goodbyes.
Not when Greg said goodbye to the business team, or when I said goodbye to my former colleagues in Manila , or when people said goodbye to me in the past.
I hate hate hate goodbyes, but they are always there and I cannot avoid them.

God has a funny way of toughing me up.
He gets a handful of people to say goodbye to me at the same time, and forces me to say goodbye to people important to me, so I can get used to saying that awful word.

Well I don’t think I will, but thanks for trying, God.

random day off, random thoughts

I took a random day off today.
Well, not too random.
I am sick. I have a bad cold and it will get worse later.
And unlike all the other weekdays of my life, I don't plan to be productive today.
No way.
Let's see.... so far I've made an egg sandwich, looked at some family pictures on the internet, and convinced myself that I shouldn't feel guilty for not giving my father money. I reminded myself that I didn't have any as well.
And then I got to day dreaming.
I love day dreaming. Not about things like dishes rinsing themselves, or JLo lending me her body for a couple of until I could fix my own.
Things like Mama, Zoe and me traveling together. To anywhere.
Eating ice cream on a hot summer day somewhere in Asia.
Dunno. My what used to be brilliant imagination diminished into a speck of dirt on the face of Dubai. I don't know. There's something about this place that makes me feel I'm not good enough, until some kind soul tells me otherwise.
Thank God there are kind souls here. Maybe to replace bas friends in the past.

Ali G - Science and Technology

Ali G doing a worm dance at a real fashion show lol

another one about racism

I have been watching videos about racism in Eurpoe and the US.
I can't seem to understand what some people's reasons are for being racists, for hating a fellow human being just because of the color of his skin.

Not only hating, but harming them. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
I had a chat with a friend a few weeks ago and he told me that a few years ago, he had a falling out with an American friend who ruined his reputation and his life essentially. As a consequence his confidence diminished and he now stutters when he talks to native English speakers. Hmmm. I suppose the similar thing happened to me. I was so full of hope when I first went here, only to find out that racism was still alive, and it looks like it's here to stay.

In restaurants, in parking lots, in malls. I just recently attended a formal gathering where I was the only brown person in the room. I felt a bit uneasy and went home immediately.

I am pretty sure that when I finally learned how the world goes round here in Dubai, I lost something that I can only regain when the situation changes. Thank God I have not lost hope yet, and that's a huge thing. It means I can still look forward to better days. I can still find reason to wake up and allow myself to dream.

I feel like all the confidence I gained where I come from is lost and will never be found. I just need to start again and see what happens.

Either way, failure is not an option. Fuck fear. Forward, always forward.

European Racism

Quote of the Day

"To change one's life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions."

– William James

Family Guy Peter Griffins own Sitcom -

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Family guy - ass

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

good things

Bad day today. The universe decided to go against me.
But as aI wallowed in self-pity I desperately tried to find something good about today. There must be at least one thing that kept me from dropping dead.

Turned out, there was more than one. I decided that it's all up to me to turn even the most trivial thing into a heart-warming experience.

Well, there's my producer telling me I did a good job.

And then there's the happy ride home with mother Anton. Never mind that he dropped me off in the middle of two green lights and I struggled to run for my life.
Well, I survived and that's a good thing.

And then there was the nice chat with Colin. It's been a long time since I've taken the time to ask him how he's doing, so this is quite a special evening.

And then there's this blog entry. I accidentally deleted everything I had written, but realized that Blogger has an autosave feature. That's another good thing.

And the greatest thing of all. . . I'm still alive after this fucking hell of a day. Tomorrow will be much better.

One whole week of non stop working. Working to forget, working to remember, working to block off everything that I should be thinking about. So far I've been having fun with my friends and meeting new people.

There's one very interesting person I recently met and had dinner with. He dresses like someone from the Vaudeville era. He opens doors for me and stands up when I stand up. I'm super all right with chivalry but the white long-sleeved shirt and grey vest --- that was over the top and it made me embarrassed. Or maybe I deserved that kind of treatment and I should have been proud of it. Oh well. Either way I didn't quite like his Charlie Chaplin outfit on an easy Friday evening, especially when he had the potential to look like Hugh Grant. At least on one of Hugh's bad days.

Zoe is Now A Lady

Can't get over that fact, but I'm happy that she's grown to be a pretty young lady. I hope she stays that way.

jen's bday - May 29